So I was wrapping presents last night, and Netflix suggested that I watch a “Holiday Classic” movie while I was at it. SOUNDS FUN, right?They presented me with a string of choices, including Love, Actually. Which I recalled seeing in theatres when I was fetus…and I remembered thinking it was cute and sweet. SO. I hit play.
It is so CREEPY. Did you remember it was THIS CREEPY?
It is mostly much older men humping young women WHO WORK FOR THEM. Hugh Grant is so attracted to the catering fetus that he TAKES HER JOB AWAY, which is not so o much romantic as the basis of a great lawsuit. Let’s not even discuss President Slingblade feeling her up against her will, AND SHE APOLOGIZES TO HUGH GRANT FOR THIS LATER.
Meanwhile, Mr.Darcy marries his house-keeper fetus and Hot Snape cheats on the incomparable Emma with a secretarial fetus.
ALL the women are either sex objects or shafted. Laura Linney’s crush acts like if she has a difficult brother she is not worth pursuing. REALLY? This is a film where a goofball guy stumbles into sex with 3 or maybe 4 American supermodels, and GORGEOUS LAURA LINNEY CANNOT FIND A GUY WHO WILL NOT WAIT A COUPLE HOURS TO MAKE SEX WITH HER? Only in THIS lunatic movie can a dork have a GROSS and grossly improbably 4 way with three world class hotties INCLUDING BETTY DRAPER while an extremely attractive woman cannot get a one night stand!
Dear Love Actually,
Have you ever met an actual man? In real life, Laura Linney could say WAIT HERE! BE BACK SOON FOR A LOT OF SEX! and gone to see her brother and come back 4 hours later and IF SHE HAD PROMISED SEX, the guy would still be there, waiting, streaming Mad Max or reading a book or sleeping, and the second she appeared and said SEX NOW? he would have shut Mad Max off or closed his book or woken up and happily had all the sex she wanted.
I love Chiwetel Ejiofor, but he is almost a decade older that Keira Knightly, who looks about 15. Oh well, at least she isn’t his nurse or his dog walker.
I love Liam, but he is a terrible, terrible step father with NO boundaries who convinces his Orphaned step son to commit felonies that will land the child in Gitmo.
Only Dr. Bilbo Watson and Joanna Page are age appropriate, and WHAT IS THEIR JOB? Do jobs where you naked fake-hump-for-light-levels for WEEKS AND WEEKS even EXIST? Is this a legit career path? NO, it is not a career path, Love Actually, you just want to show Joanna Page’s creamy-skinned, perky li’l boobies. A lot.
Irony: This gets called a chick flick? Endless gratuitous boobies, old men humping their foxy employees and geeky men humping whole crowds of ladies and beautiful women unable to get sex if they inconvenience their dates by being decent human beings with lives and interests and families…
Merry Christmas UGH I hate this movie. Do you like it? WHY DO YOU LIKE IT? Defend it and yourself, if you can.
Also, I am not done wrapping because I had to much Rage, Actually. What should I Netflix tonight as I finish?