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R’abbitoir, Part 2

Like most rabbits, this one is not a MENSA member.

Last night we let Bagel out for his final nightly ablution, and he tore down into the yard after a charming, brown-eared An A Bunnies who had slipped under the fence to browse on my always-greener-on-the-other-side-where-the-60-pound-dog-is grass. Which, Oh best Beloveds, you know how that has worked out for An A Bunnies in the past.

This stupid rabbit—bless him!—-he could NOT find the sliver of exit under the back gate and escape. The chase went on for a good two minutes. I ran out onto the deck and screamed at Bagel to STOP CHASING THAT AN A BUNNIES. (Later, I spent some time demanding that water not be wet and that teenage girls stop wearing tight sweatpants that say JUICY across their buttocks, with nearly as much success.)

The chase went on SO LONG, in panicked, loopy bunny circles, that Scott had time to get a flashlight and tracked the An A Bunnies and the dog as they tore back and forth and around the azaleas. We both ran down into the yard and followed in a fruitless but good intentioned dog-thwarting chain. We could not catch the dog, buteventually, Oh Best of all possible Beloveds, the An A Bunnies got tired. He gave up. He stopped.

And Bagel got him.

I saw the long brown body hanging in my beloved dog’s maw, the legs stretched out, the head hanging and still. Scott ran up and grabbed Bagel’s collar but that An A Bunnies was floppy and still; now, I know dogs are dogs, and dogs do what dogs do, but it was pretty awful.

Scott got the dog’s collar and said, “DROP it” And Bagel stood there determinedly NOT dropping it.

“PUT THAT DOWN,” Scott said, and Bagel blinked up at him.

The An A Bunnies blinked up at him too.

If goodness had a face (and an IQ of about 7) it would look a lot like this.

We looked close. Bagel had a good firm grip on him, for sure, but the An A Bunnies was un pierced, unbroken, unrended. Four animal eyes blinked in tandem, neither exactly sure what was happening or what we wanted. Scott pushed Bagel’s head down and pressed his jaw hinge, and the Bunnies plopped onto the earth and sat there, dazed.

Scott ran the flashlight along him—he was….moist. But only with Dog suck. No blood, no tearing, no little bunny spines had snapped. Bagel had held him as if he were a newspaper or some slippers we needed brought to us whole.

Then the bunnies shook himself and hopped very quickly off, and I dragged Bagel, who wanted to CHASE again, up the stairs and inside.

I closed the door, and Scott went up on the deck and used his light to find the An A Bunnies browsing back in the greenest grass. When the light hit him, he bounded off, all his legs working JUST fine, thanks much.

I went inside and fed Bagel a half a pound of imported prosciutto.

He had NO idea why, but he thought it was a pretty good idea, so he went with it.

18 comments to R’abbitoir, Part 2

  • Brigitte

    Bagel is speshul!

    Once we rescued a chipmunk from the cat, but were sad to discover we were too late . . or so we thought. We got within 3 feet of the rock wall, and BOING! It suddenly leaped to freedom.

    Glad to hear the A Bunnies made it. 🙂

  • linda j

    I had a hound dog that only had 2 brain cells in her entire body and they were both located in her stump tail. When they both got happy the whole dog jerked and heaved across the floor with the worlds longest tongue ready to attack with abundant joy the nearest leg, foot, or even ankle that dared show itself. The dog had a foot fetish and a sincere dedication that no toe jam would go untouched.

    At least your bagel asks to go out to get an a bunnies instead of being dumbfounded by the silly window glass.

  • It’s good to smile on a Monday after having dealt with the shutdowns of the oldest child before school! Thanks for that. <3

  • Aimee

    Well, FIRST, thanks for starting my Monday with “r’abbitoir,” which ranks right up there (from the previous An A Bunnies saga) as one of my all-time favorite funniest things you’ve ever written.

    SECOND, I am going to mail Bagel some prosciutto too, maybe a bit of pastrami with some foie gras on top, because I was SO afraid starting this story that in spite of the giggle that “r’abbitoir” inspired that I would end up crying and/or gagging over the untimely demise of An A Bunnies.

    THIRD, I love that picture of Bagel.

  • Judy in California

    Hooray for soft-mawed Bagel! The original An A Bunnies tale is one of my long-time favorites, and oh how happy I am that An A Bunnies redux did not have a gorier outcome. 😀

  • Julie

    Much nicer than our beloved dog who left an eviscerated rabbit on my back porch for my preschooler to find.

  • My cat catches birds in a way that leaves then totally unharmed and wants to bring them in the house to play with. He doesn’t understand why I’m so mean to make him let them go. Don’t I understand that they FLY AWAY from him?

    Good on Bagel for not hurting the bunny.

  • linda j

    OK I just had to let you know that a few days ago I bought my first mp3 player. It included a free audiobook. I just downloaded Backseat Saints and Gods In Alabama. Listening to it now. Just wonderful of course

  • Bagel is the best doggy ever.

  • Well, neither are more educated, but at least Bagel has some fun. And it was VERY fun for ME to go back and read the first installment of Bagel’s An A Bunnies Moistening Saga.

    At OUR house we do not have an A Bunnies, but we DO have an Aspatula. As in a pancake turner, egg flipper, long-handled hamburger lifting tool.

    The eldest called in “an Aspatula,” and seeing as how the youngest thinks his sister is THE SMARTEST person on the planet (though he won’t now readily admit it), HE called it “an aspatula” as well. As in, “Mom, do you need an aspatula for the eggs?” They don’t even realize they are saying it wrong, and their Daddy and I gave up trying to explain it long ago.

  • liz

    Good doggie! Harley has not yet encountered bunnies, but he’s had some very close encounters with squirrels, and one of these days it is not going to end well. (Bunnies are SO much cuter than squirrels.)

  • Bagel is much much nicer than my dog, Charli. She has caught and dismembered rabbits, squirrels, cats, and a little kit fox. 🙂 Even after her back leg became paralyzed. She will catch it if it comes into the yard.

    Give Bagel a big ol hug and let her sleep on the soft pillow.

  • Oh, good Bagel! A Bunnies are wonderful creatures, nothing like the evil rabbits I raised in cages in my backyard. They ate their helpless, hairless young and left the heads for me to clean up.

    My cat loved to play with mice. On more than one occasion she sneaked one inside the house and let it loose in the closet. Two cats, one person, sixteen coats and forty-five shoes, all flying through the after that one d*mn mouse. Years later, she caught one on our patio and I watched as she playfully batted at it. It ran, she pounced and gently knocked it over. This continued for several minutes until the poor exhausted little mouse stood up on its hind legs, pressed its front paws together under its nose, and blinked up at her, sides heaving, obviously begging for mercy. She bit its head off.

  • Leslie Noon

    I doubt there is anyone else who can develop that much tension and dread in a mere quarter of a page. This time I was SURE that the poor an a bunnies was a gonner. I read with my heart pounding in fear. You left me feeling SO happy and amused. Since I know you shouldn’t be rewarded with a half a pound of imported ham (I can’t spell prosciutto), I want you to go schedule a nice pedicure. You deserve a reward at least as good as Bagel’s.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I am in love with Bagel. Look at that face! Those beautiful eyes! How could he be anything other than a dog who doesn’t hurt bunnies?

  • Bagel is smarter than you think. He is just HOPING another a bunny shows up because if he moistens another one, he just might get sirloin. Or lobster. 😉

    At least your dog knows an A bunny does not belong in his yard and tries to carry it to the gate but gets stopped, every time. My dog? Would bark her fool head off but would then, likely, run FROM the bunny. Or slink past like it was a wrought-iron pig.

  • Good boy, Bagel! (His name makes me laugh because my son calls bagels beagles… 🙂

  • What a sight that must have been for the neighbours! All four of you running around the yard in the dark!!
    Re Roxanne’s comment – my charming daughters insist on pronouncing “megacity” with the emphasis on the first syllable. They started this about the time they became legal drinkers, too…