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Winners and a Whiner (and a cry for help)

The folks below won Abbott’s excellent new book, American Rose. Which, by the way, is now officially a New York Times bestseller! SO some of you darling human beings were too impatient to wait for the drawing and went out and bought a copy.

Or you gave copies to your friends, or you put it on your Nook/Kindle/Sony/iPad. Whatever you did, you are sexy, and that is all. It’s a well known statistical fact that here in the middle of the pub-pocalypse—or is that PUB-MOGEDDON? (I know, I know. The preferred spelling is pubMAgeddon, but that is not half as fun to say. Try it.) —that people who buy books get more play. That’s just science.

88 Beth January 19th, 2011 at 3:32 pm

72 LoryKC January 18th, 2011 at 12:23 pm

61 Wishing Heart January 17th, 2011 at 6:52 pm

…The whiner is me. WAhhhhh I had to finish my edits this week. I have been so deep in the book, I forgot all that other crap existed…what do you call that stuff? With the sunshine and the blinking and the actual, non-fictional people in it? Oh. Right. Real life.

Also? I never found my sacred paper calendar. Which means this whole year, especially the next three months, is Just. Going. To. Be. Hell.

Do you know that nightmare where you are suddenly thirteen again and you have a test and you realize that not only did you forget to study but you also have no pants and you are taking this test on stage and you don’t know your lines and then your teeth fall out? Well, in MY version of that dream. I don’t show up for something I promised to do. In my version, I FLAKE.

I think this flaking part gets into my version of everyone;s favorite anxiety nightmare because it is always, always so possible. I never know when it is Tuesday, much less the actual date, and sometimes I go for weeks not sure what month it is.

The one place where all the fractured factions of my life intersected was…THE SACRED PAPER CALENDAR. Since its loss, I have already flaked on several mom things (including my children’s dental appointmentst), professional obligations (AT LEAST one book club call), and last night, I FORGOT I WAS SUPPOSED TO COOK DINNER FOR TWENTY PEOPLE. Not kidding. And this is only January. That calendar had things in all the way through November.

I am trying to rebuild it, but the new, unimproved SECULAR PAPER CALENDAR …sucks. I am incapable of remembering. IF YOU LOVE ME, and if I have promised you ANYTHING, or to be ANYPLACE at a certain time in 2011, please shoot me an email. It’s BAD over here.

Recent Conversation I Had With Scott

Me: I think my brain died.

Him: Your brain did not die.

Me: Seriously. During one or both of my surgeries. I think I either got brain damage, or maybe I am still reacting to the anesthesia.

Him: Why?

Actual image from a recent MRI to determine what's inside my skull

Me: Because it’s CRAZY, how I lose things now. I can’t find ANYTHING. Ever. And Worse…I will start to ask you a question, and in the middle of the question, I realize I am somehow in the kitchen, standing there staring into the fridge as if it holds the snack-secrets of the universe, and I NEVER GOT THE ANSWER.

But before I can be irked with you for not answering, I realize that it is because in the middle of ACTUALLY ASKING YOU A QUETION, I turned and wandered off. Like that dog who says, “SQUIRREL!” but with more leaving the room. And then I go back to find you, and I realize I have NO IDEA what the question was. I have BRAIN DAMAGE. The surgery has DAMAGED MY BRAINS.

Him: *with infinite sweetness.* Oh, honey. Oh, baby. I hate to tell you this, but you are actually…getting better.


Him: How long have we been married? You ALWAYS used to lose things, but the second they were gone, unless it was your keys, you would just forget those things existed. You have ALWAYS wandered out of the room in the middle of sentences. You just never used to…realize you were doing it. I hate to say it, but this might be …progress?

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (You have to sort of imagine this last as the wailing of the damned).

19 comments to Winners and a Whiner (and a cry for help)

  • THIS precisely illustrates WHY there should be special colonies for creative people..
    A family might run a close second EXCEPT for that pesky expectation for the creative person to behave like an ordinary adult.

    I hope the Universe is hard at work trying to bring your paper calendar back to you!

    you always brighten my day with these missives from your world!!!!

  • […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sarah Spinoza, Best Sellers. Best Sellers said: Winners and a Whiner (and a cry for help) « Faster Than Kudzu: http://fd.ag/4KTw […]

  • Reminds me of the joke about the man who visited the doctor because he farted all the time. “They’re silent and odorless, fortunately, but I’d like it to stop – you don’t know it, but it’s happened four times since this appointment started!” The doc put him on medication and he came back a week later complaining that he was still farting silently, but now they smelled awful. “Great,” said the doctor, “your sinuses are cleared, now we just need to work on fixing your hearing.”

  • OH! but Julie — if you put all the absentminded and irrsponsible artfarts on an island, the actual productive useful humans like Scott would come back a week later to pick up the BOOKS only to find we would all have wandered into the sea like absentminded lemmings and drowned.

  • Eleanor

    *Giggles helplessly*

  • Jessica

    It IS progress! Hey, look at it this way: you’re not getting older; you’re getting wiser! 😉

    Don’t worry. At least you don’t do what I do: “Hey, honey, [asks a question I need an answer to]?”

    No answer.

    “Hey, are you going to answer me!?”

    “Answer you, what? You didn’t ask a question!”

    Yeah, I THINK questions and somehow believe that I said them aloud, and then my husband gets yelled at and is still kind enough to stay with me although this happens weekly.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I do the same thing to my husband with the half questions. His explanation is that “my brain moves so fast that I don’t have time to finish the question before I am on to the next thing.”

    As to the sacred calendar, I am amazed that you have been able to begin to re-create another calendar. I would still be stuck on the fact that THINGS DON’T JUST DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR and I would still be looking for the calendar.

    Pee. Ess.
    I am one of those who bought Karen’s book the day it came out. You’re welcome. 🙂

    Pee. Pee. Ess. I want to read something by Haven Kimmel. Any suggestions on what to read first?

  • JulieB

    Oh, second the Haven Kimmel request.
    Also – I completely sympathize with your calendar issues. I have mine on the computer and I have had it crash and lose everything including my address book. It’s an antique DOS oriented program, so every once in a while, Windows will update and be so confused by it’s simplicity that it can’t open the program, and my husband does VooDoo and fixes it, and all is right with the world. But when my computer died a final and irreversible death – and I hadn’t backed up in 11 months – that was a sad day. I so desire to know where the heck a paper calendar would _go_. (Now, my hormones have me wondering if I didn’t type all this when you first posted that the calendar was gone………)
    Fortunately, you have NOT lost your sense of humor. Thank you for that!

  • Brigitte

    Ooh, I fear the effects of menopause for you, I hear it makes even the best of us very scatterbrained. :-O

  • I love reading your blog because I feel so much less alone!! As I stand in the center of my kitchen, daily, wondering why I wandered in there, I hope and pray one of my children will look after me one day. (Like Tuesday!)

    So I always love reading your blog. But it is SO MUCH MORE FUN on a MONDAY to read my name on a Winner’s List!!! (I truly am one of those people who never win anything and would have bought the book eventually but just hadn’t gotten there yet. Once in a blue moon, procrastination pays off!) 😉

    Thank you, thank you!!!
    (I heart your Random Number Generator!)

  • Aimee

    Well, I do NOT heart your Random Number Generator, but it’s okay because I will now get the book with my amazon gift certificate and be very happy indeed.

  • Jill W.

    Julie and Shelley- just in case JJ is attacked by brain squirrels and doesn’t
    get to your question, I thought I would put in my 2 cents and reccomend A Girl Named Zippy and The Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel. The first is a odd and funny memoir and the latter is an achingly beautiful and complex novel. Love them both. Solace is one that JJ has mentioned here often.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Thank you Jill W.!! I have heard that AGNZ is good, but I really love novels, so thank you for the Solace recommendation. 🙂

  • Haley

    I had a dream last night that you looked one more time and found your calendar. I guess I had been reading your blog not that long before bedtime. But maybe it means there is hope?

  • Hey, just wanted to say I’m so happy to see your name over at The Lipstick Chronicles!

  • JulieB

    Thanks you Haley!

  • Mr. Husband

    On the Haven Kimmel front, I’ll put in my recommendation for “Something Rising (Light and Swift)”. It’s a book about geometry and relationships. It is simultaneously beautiful and brutal. A remarkable book, though not as acclaimed as Zippy or Solace.

  • I feel for the scatter-brained creatives here. We have the problem compounded by dh being eternally sleep-deprived. So he asks me a question, and I answer. Next day he asks again, certain that I never answered, but god if I remember the answer. Day three he asks yet again, and by now I’m just making it up as I go along. And don’t ask what I fed the boys for lunch, chances are I forgot and just popped some popcorn to feed the munchies. 😉

    But I do remember reading Zippy, and Solace, and a couple other Haven Kimmels and still have a few left on my list, cause I do love her so.

    PS I did remember to buy Karen’s book. And I did remember to go get it signed, but got stuck in an icy jam on the way and missed her completely. pooh.

    PPS the calendar is stuck on the wall. Now if only I could remember to write in the important stuff. Good luck with all your important stuff miraculously showing itself in time!

  • JulieB

    Thanks Mr. H!