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Robert Pattinson is Kind of a Douche

Dear Twihards, please do not stomp me with your feet until I die. I don’t mean YOUR RP. I mean the one who left the below comment on my blog, along with a few thousand links to truly creepy goods and services:

“lol i ponder whether commenters truly read the stories before writing or if perhaps they just read the post title and say the first idea that drifts into their heads…” and also calls FTK “the same exact, old blog vomit that i almost always notice on the internet”

I like how, in the interests of sounding like a real person and not a spam spider, this particular arachnid manages to insult both you guys and me. It doesn’t really make me want to visit his porn site. In fact, I think the real Robert Pattinson should find him and bite him in jugular for using his name to sell…whatever awful thing he was selling.

Fake Robert Pattinson and his legions of butt chuck spam spider friends have found FTK, and I spent 45 extra minutes I do not have yesterday cleaning out their comments about “generic breast enhancement” (and really, isn’t that the time when you want to go name brand? Just sayin’) and Russian Brides (REALLY? I watch Law and Order, and I am telling you, Russian Brides ALWAYS end in infidelity and brutal Russian Mob fueled murder. Please do not order a Russian Bride off FTK. Thanks!) and an absolutely dazzling array of penis-helping drugs, from Canadian Viagra to “Natura Male Enhancement” pills to something called Horny Goat Weed, which—-yarg. I do not EVEN want to know what THAT does.

I found I almost hesitated to erase the LEGIONS of ads for Discount Benadryl because they seemed so mild and even cheerful, comparatively. I thought to myself, at least the Benadryl spiders are not trying to entice the Best Beloveds to go to South America to get generic bags of U.S. banned fake booby material shoved into their chests by a guy who graduated last in class from Tourist Bob’s School of Tropical Delight Medicine and Surgery of Jamaica (And Boat Rental!).
Then I realized the only people who need to buy pounds of Discount Benadryl are meth lab owners. So.

Meanwhile, more spiders are posting, every living second. As I have typed this entry, four more comments advertising things I wouldn’t give to my cat have appeared saying things like, “Really great post! Too bad about your penis though. Take these delicious discount illegal out of the country generic pharmaceuticals because that will be safe and helpful, we are sure!”

The only bright side is I discovered a file called “Pending” where about 15 actual comments had been stopped. Word Press thought THEY might be Spam Spiders, but of course the UNPOSTED comments were all from actual Best Beloveds. And like most bloggers, I live for comments and HATE real ones to get spaminated. These 15 messages from old friends were sitting in the ONLY place on the WHOLE BLOG where a Spam Spider post had NOT ended up. Holy Irony Batman. “Pending,” the file to catch Spam Spiders, was a vermin free zone.

I manually let everyone with a pulse out of pending, but. This. Must. Stop.

MT had its downsides, but LORD they let very few spiders past. I don’t know what to do when I see that this VERY SECOND an ad for “man attracting pheromones” just went up on an older entry about faith. *martyred, spider hating sigh.”

Scott is working on his biggest show of the year and can’t do anything for another eight days. I am not even seeing him to tell him I need help. I can’t IMAGINE closing comments altogether; I would stop blogging, period. I only like talking here because YOU PEOPLE TALK BACK. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO? Anyone out there got a word Press blog and some ADVICE?

69 comments to Robert Pattinson is Kind of a Douche

  • I also have a WordPress blog, and I’ve always been impressed with the Akismet spam filter – all (and only) the spam goes into it and is held for me to delete. Of course, I receive way fewer comments. Check your Discussion settings: Go to your Dashboard, scroll down and click Settings on the left side, then click Discussion under that. Scroll down to Comment Moderation. You can change the number of links a comment can contain before it goes to the moderation queue. It’s probably set at 2 so try 1 (I think 0 would put everyone who links to their blog into moderation). You could also click the box that says “Comment author must have a previously approved comment.” (It’s just above Comment Moderation, titled Before a comment appears.) This would mean approving new commenters (and possibly everyone at first), but it might help separate out the spam. Good luck!

  • edj

    ARGH! I feel your pain. I have two suggestions but I don’t know how well they will actually work, since I’m basically non-techie. One: Write WP and talk to them. I have a WP blog myself and have always found them helpful and prompt in replying to issues. Two: set it up so that you don’t accept comments on posts older than, say, a week. A lot of spam goes to older posts.
    And I’m so bummed cuz I just LOVE your new WP blog look. It’s so pretty and user friendly and all.
    Also I applaud you for getting a funny post out of spam.

  • You can also check out the Akismet FAQ page. Akismet is the spam filter that WordPress uses (they developed it). It should be built in to your blog, but self-hosted blogs may not have it. You can check if you have an API key on your user profile – here’s more info: http://en.support.wordpress.com/api-keys/.

  • Dear Sandi, You are awesome. Playing in settings as per your clear and excellent instructions, I also discovered I can turn edj and other non-avatar having folks from the gray generic bathroom fellow icon thing to a LITTLE MONSTER. *pleased* I like your quilt star avatar.
    I will check into Aksimet!

    edj you are CORRECT I had comments open for 14 days and the spiders were all up in my backlist. I changed that too, yay you—this should slow down the torrent.

  • LOOK LOOK eveyrone with no avatar gets a different little monster THAT IS THE CUTEST DERN THING. Well, there asre a limited number of monsters, but quite a selection. *pleasedpleasedpleased*

  • Haha poor Robert Pattinson. Not only does he have completely insane fangirls, probably can’t go to the beach in the summer because he has to maintain his creepily pale face, and now he gets blamed for spam. How sad. 😉

  • Jen

    Wow! The monster thing does work. Alas, his post makes no sense and is like waving a red flag that he is spam, so I just skip him.

    No advice since I don’t use WP, but I do have comments moderated on my blog. I get a lot fewer than you, so I get excited every time there is an email telling me I have a new one. I’m sure for you it would get very old very fast.

    PS…I think that monster is a little too cute for such nasty spam.

  • Jody Brown

    “And Boat Rental!”…..
    Note to self: Pee before reading FTK!

  • See Mr. Testerone Booster Patch Online above? He has 50 links… In settings I checked the box where multiple links should SPAMMIT, and it is still here. WHY?

    I am leaving that one UP so we can refer to it, JUST FOR TODAY, and anyway, it is an important and helpful message. (HEY KIDS! NOW YOU CAN ADJUST YOUR HORMONE LEVELS FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR HOME WITHOUT THE INCONVENIENCE OF MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ACTUAL DOCTORS!)

  • Jen — Nah I have a that SAME pitter pat OH YAY A comment thing. And it is bitte rindeed to get 30 and have them ALL be for Viagra. *insert grumbly muttered cusses here*

  • Jen

    Perhaps the universe is simply making sure you are so busy dealing with spambots that you will not have any desire to go out endorphen seeking on the trails?

  • JulieB

    I am going to send you the name of a friend who is in edits for her book on WP. I don’t know what any of the commenters are talking about, but my friend may have another idea. (Of may not, since again, I have no idea what the other commenters just said.)
    Anyway, I’ll send you her info, use or discard as needed. 🙂

  • JenniferG

    I have nothing for fighting spam. I am commenting solely for the purpose of seeing a cute little monster next to my name. Thank you.

  • Nicole Amsler

    I second (or third) Askimet. It does wonders for blocking Spam and letting you delete it all at once, in a 57 boogie fling a la Fly Lady. Enjoy!

  • Actually, multiple links should just put it in Moderation (Pending), not spam. Back in the Discussion settings, scroll down even farther to the Comment Blacklist box. You can put red flag words in this box and any comments with those words will go to Spam. However, spammers aren’t really stupid, they just misspell everything on purpose so it gets past this kind of filter. Also, that means anyone who comments about the ridiculous proliferation of Viagra commercials or how bacon enhances every meal will also get caught into the spam filter.
    I hope that the problem is just that you don’t have Akismet working on your blog. If that’s all that it is, it’s an easy fix. If you haven’t already checked, see if you have an API key. At the top of the screen you probably have a gray WP toolbar. The far left button says My Account. Under that, click Global Dashboard. On the left, click Profile. In the main body at the top, there’s a link that says “API key and other personal settings” – click that. At the top in the very center it should say “Your WordPress.com API key is: and then a series of letters and numbers. If you don’t have one, that’s the problem, and you need to contact WordPress support at the link in my earlier message.

  • I, too, am commenting so I can see a cute little monster by my name. But, seriously, the kitchen sink vitamins??? WTH??

  • rosten18

    Ooooh, I want a monster too! Phooey on the spambots – shame on them for spoiling your nice clean blog!

  • sillyme

    Oooo, oooo, oooooooo! I want to see my monster! Yeay!

  • sillyme

    am I the same one each time?

  • Anna Marie

    Menopause gum? It gives you menopause to chew it? Sorry I’m no help with the spaminators, but I DID just order a copy of Backseat Saints!

  • Oh. . .I need to go in and change my non-avatar avatars to little monters. . .they are currently quiltish thingies, but these are SO MUCH MORE FUN. Didn’t even know that was possible.

    So I am sorry for All The Spam, but so glad that I learned about little avatar monsters.

  • Pamela

    I have no advice, I just want to swing the numbers a little more towards actual people who read your posts out loud to their husbands all the time.

  • Aimee

    How useful! Medical treatments without the benefit of a doctor. Now I know to stop alternating ibuprofen and aspirin, and how to treat my (non-existent) toenail fungus.

    That Robert Pattinson-bot is just stupid, and honestly that comment made me hoot loudly with derision, because FTK is so far from being the same old blog. Stupid spider.

  • JulieB’s friend told me to check the IP, and sure enough 90% of the spam is the same IP — I blocked it. So. That should end the DELUGE and I ought to be able to manage the sprinkles until Scott can get ‘er dun. I hope. Please!

  • Ruth

    I commented only once before, I think, probably in an effort to win a free book, but I am being drawn in now because I want my own little monster! And because I want you to get more comments from real people than from spambots so you will be happy and therefore healthy and therefore keep writing books that make ME happy!

  • Erika

    Add me to the legions of fans who are commenting for the sole purpose of boosting your actual reader comments and the implicit joy in seeing a little cartoony monster next to their name!

  • JulieB

    Yay! Glad it seems to be working out. I will admit, I did really love the blog title. 😀

  • I don’t use WP, so totally unhelpful really, but what about those Captcha thingies? You know, the thing that makes you type in the letters of a swirly wonky image so that the site knows you are a really real for real person? I know Blogger/Blogspot has that sometimes, on some of the blogs. I’d think there has to be a way to enable or add it…

  • Indeed, I’ve always wondered what a Mit-monster looks like. Also? A+ for dealing with this while Scott is away! You ROCK.

  • Monster! (or do I have a fish? I might in wordpress. I’d rather have a monster!)

  • It’s a fish. Oh well. However! I am not spam! (really!)

  • Kim

    Excellent monsters!

    Great help from the tech-savvy among us!

  • Tammy

    Popping in to say hello from the only person on the earth who has NOT read the Twilight series. And to see my monster. 😉

  • Tammy

    Ooh! Green frazzle-haired monster! How does it read my mind???

  • Kate Setzer Kamphausen

    OMG you all made me snort OUT LOUD with laughter. AT WORK!!! Dammit, people!!

    Um… I want a monster toooo.

  • Kate Setzer Kamphausen

    OO! Joshilyn, I got a brainy tentacled monster with a pink mouf! How did your blog KNOW about my pink dreads???

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    No advice on how to defend against spam but maybe your new army of monsters will help. I would also like to second what Pamela said — I read your posts out loud to my husband and son. Can’t wait to tell them about “Tourist Bob’s School of Tropical Delight Medicine and Surgery of Jamaica (And Boat Rental!).”

  • Jill W.

    Me, too- I wanna monster!!!

  • Les in AZ

    I admit to a few things:
    1) I am a Twihard and was sad to learn RP was been used for such umpleasantness…
    2) Your blog couldn’t be further from the other blogs out there – that’s funny.
    3) I wan’t a monster so I am delurking 🙂

  • Les in AZ

    Thats WANT a monster and I love that he’s brown – my favorite color. *smiles*
    Glad you got your spammed fixed but yeah! for the monsters that RP (the bad one) spawned.

  • Um, I was going to say the Akismet thing, but now I just want to see my monster. And then I have to go check my WP spam queue(ueueue), which I always forget to do so thanks for the reminder!

  • JulieB

    You know, this has really been a great blog for us. And I love my Vaalkrie-horned monopod. Yes, my orthodontia shifted.

  • Jujube

    Even my 13-year-old daughter is tired of the whole Twilight franchise…and she’s their target market. I love having independent, non-sheep children.

    Now, for the real reason I posted. I predict a blue monster.

  • Jujube

    Is my monster navy or purple? I’m gonna say navy and then tell everyone I’m psychic.

  • Sara

    Jujube, you are purple. No question.

    Dying to see my monster!

  • Sara

    HA HA HA HA!!! Love it. I am going to keep him.

  • I’ve just bookmarked this article in Diigo, glad i found it.

  • Jess (of the formerly blue hair)

    ftk = cool
    Monsters = cool

    ftk + monsters = AWESOME!

  • rams

    Who could resist? Out of gratitude, should I chase down that brilliant video someone edited, grafting Buffy onto Twilight so that Buffy throws the lurking Edward out her bedroom window and finally takes him out altogether? Huh? Should I? (Now my reward — el monstro!)

  • rams

    Is that a pink ‘fro or am I wearing my brains as decoration? Based on my track record…

  • Mr. Husband

    Akismet installed and running.

    Hopefully this will resolve issues beyond those related to the single nasty IP.

    Respectfully yours,

    The Ever Vigilant Mr. Husband

    PS… I was asked today, and I am not kidding, “If Captain Planet and Superman got into a fight, who do you think would win?”

    Superman….duh.

  • Sandi is super smart. She recommended with much greater clarity and better direction the things I would. Get yerself a captcha (maybe it’s in akismet?). I feel like wordpress “learns”. But I also think my dog would drive if only he could see over the steering wheel. Good luck and the spiders will get bored with you … some day.

  • elizabeth

    Oh, I definitely need a monster. And isn’t it great to have a husband who solves your techie needs? Mine just fixed the printer…which yes, I fouled up.

  • Joss, I literally laughed, outloud, and then couldn’t catch my breath, which is exactly what I needed tonight. I live near Nashville and this weekend has been terrible. Have you seen pictures? Some of them remind me of the pictures of the flooding down your way a while back. So. So. Sad. Our beloved Opryland Hotel is flooded and so is the field where the Titan’s play, and beautiful churches are flooded and so many people have lost their homes. I’ve been obsessing over pictures on Facebook and the news, so thought I’d take a trip over to FTK for a chuckle or two. Thanks. You’re the best…

  • Brian

    Dear Mr. Husband,

    Kudos on the Askimet. Well done. Way to do the ‘Here I come to save the day’ thing, (c) Mighty Mouse.

    And, let us not forget that Captain Planet has direct and unfettered access to KRYPTONITE so, maybe not so duh. I’m gonna put my Kentucky Derby winnings on CP.

    PS. The response thread has been taken over by monsters, so… not like I’m going off topic first.

  • Jeannie

    What about Superman with Lois Lane?

  • Jade

    Pamela said:
    “I have no advice, I just want to swing the numbers a little more towards actual people who read your posts out loud to their husbands all the time.”

    Seconded! I read your posts out loud to my husband all the time too! Although I was laughing too hard on your description of blood transfusions and the ensuing conversation, so he had to come read that one for himself. Also, can’t wait to see my monster! 🙂

  • HELLO MONSTERS.

    My husband has a ringtone. It is the UNDERDOG themesong Because he is quiet and mild tempered and YET he swoops in and saves crap alla time. It’s practically habitual.

  • Brigitte

    Hee, I’d love to see the video rams mentions. And, like everyone else, I gotta see what monster gets picked out for me.

    Did Fivefullplates have the same deal? I know I had a perfectly valid, non-spamly comment over there just disappear not long ago.

  • Linda J

    Ok I was gone for a couple days and now we have monsters. I sometimes feel like the world spins out of control while I pms. What did I miss exactly???

  • Linda J

    AAAAAAGGGGG I don’t like mine monster sniff. I feel like I am that fat and I am. NOTE TO SELF NEED TO WALK NOW!!! When I’m done catching up here of course.

  • I was about to ask if you’d set up Akismet because that would solve your problem, but Mr. Husband’s on it. Phew.

  • Jan

    If WP.ORG has the same structure as .Com, you can also go to your dashboard > Settings > Discussion, and tick off the box that says a commenter must have a previous comment appear to be able to post. That will take care of 99% of the ones Akismet misses.

    Nice new digs, BTW.

  • stacey

    I also have nothing useful to add, but wonder whether everyone gets an entirely different monster. I do heart monsters.

  • rams

    For those who asked — Buffy takes out Edward:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

  • Lia

    I think you need those glue traps set up around your site, the kind that catch mice,spiders and other creepy crawlies.

  • JulieB

    @ rams — that was neat.

  • Darn, I wonder what my monster would look like? I will more than likely have a moon, which is apropos considering the vampire/werewolf link that, if you stretch your imagination a little, goes right along with this post.

    Sort of.

    Ummmm…I hate spiders, so I’m glad you have dealt a heavy blow to your spam spiders. I don’t know if I could post where spiders are known to dwell…