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The Fat Came Back

Wait, did he say, “Cat?”

You know, 2010 was a wash year for me. I feel like I lost most of it to illness, surgery, recovery, and then catching up from all the work time I lost doing the first three things. And with all the lying around from being sick and surgery and recovery….well. The LAST time I weighed this much, I was post partum from having Maisy Jane. Which, look, TRULY I don’t mind gaining a bunch of weight if, at the end, I get a SPECTACULAR baby. But this time all I got was frumpier jeans.

I am FINALLY caught up and happy and PLEASED with my book and my life. NOW I want to get back in my REAL clothes instead of the three emergency outfits I bought 6 months ago to “tide me over” til I lost the weight. Did you read that part about “6 months ago.” Heh. SO my beautiful friend Kira and I are on a tear…of course she actually DID have a baby, but um. Shut up.

I am on this RAMPANT diet that makes me eat a list of things at the exact times and portions, and most of the things seem to be leaves. TOTAL FOOD DICTATORSHIP with Nutritional Supplements.

It is SHOCKING the things I will eat when I am hungry enough. Fruits of various kinds I can’t stand, entire unpeeled seed-filled cold cucumbers, whatever it says to eat. I am so hungry by the time it is time to eat the next thing, I will eat it. I think they do this for 2 weeks to make you insane, and then one day the list says “Whole Raw Possum Found Dead on Highway” and you trundle off to scour I-20 and eat it. The horrifying part is, I will be so hungry by then, I bet IT WILL TASTE GREAT.

Aside: I miss Five Full Plates. I could put all my foodmentalillness over there and not trouble you. Now I have no place to PUT it. I’ve been trying to dump it on individuals, but today some leaked out and got on the blog, see? Before today, I’ve been e-mailing back and forth with Kira about our latest plans for WORLD DOMINATION (and here, you understand, “world Domination” is defined as “Fitting in our skinny jeans,” because these are, in our borkened little brain pans, almost the same thing.)

New! Improved! Now with extra fiber from ground fairies!

Me: What diet are you doing? I am on all these herbs and supplements to make up for the fact that my diet contains almost no actual FOOD. I eat fish and brown rice and raw leaves and pills.

Kira: I am now on The Carb Lover’s Diet! and the magic foods have resistant starch, which is not fiber, but something else that (let’s see if I can get the technical details right, here) was put in certain carb-containing foods by enchanted weight-loss fairies. Resistant starch shall make me slim and never hungry and make my skin glow and my hair shine and possibly make me taller. I’m pretty sure. What herbs and supplements are you taking?

Me: Oh, I don’t know what the hell these herbs are. I am just blindly putting them in my body, which I am sure is wise. THEY SWEAR THEY EAT FAT! I BELIEVE THEM!

One supplement seems to made mostly of ALGAE, and I read somewhere that algae eats fat. So. I think they are technically called magic carnivorous fat eating algae pills. Yes? Yes. *blink blink*

I am also taking:

Bromelain. This comes from pineapples and according to Web MD it is used to reduce inflammation? Which inflammation is a fancy word for SWELLING, right? So…. Perhaps it makes my butt fat unswell? Fine.

Lecithin. Please note the last syllable of that word? THIN. Right. SO clearly LeciTHIN is the key to everything. That is SCIENCE. That’s logic PLUS grammar. Which is three kinds of Mojo all in a single word that I have no idea what it means, but I am eating it.

Potassium. Okay. I know this one. Bananas have it. So how bad can it be?

Omega-3 Fish oil and Flax seed crap that I think also destroys cancer and possibly repels communism.

Something about ACAI berry extract? And other extracted things. Green tea and whatnot.

I also take Kelp. I am not sure what Kelp does. I keep being afraid that Kelp is that slimy crap that is in strings in the beach water after a storm? I am surely not eating that, so KELP much be an extract milked from the magic glands of KELPIES, and KELPIES are a kind of a fairy, so this is why the magic WORKS.

And then, although none of the supplements actually SAY this, just based strictly on how energetic I feel, I suspect they have tossed in a soupcon of cocaine.

Kira: I think carnivorous fat eating algae sounds AMAZING. I would swallow it by the handful if I weren’t still breastfeeding. I especially envy you your dusting of cocaine. Some people have all the fun.

Anyhow, banana is one of my MAGIC FOODS, so since you have potassium in your supplements, you are practically ON THE SAME DIET as I am. We shall both be enviably emaciated soon. I’m sure. In other news, I would like to eat a cake, please.

I found this at http://worldmustbecrazy.blogspot.com/ (pic is a link). If THIS appeared on my list to eat next? I would probably eat it. I would probably eat YOUR tender roasted thigh meat, for that matter, so let us hope the diet does not later on require cannibalism. Because I will go there.

She is hilarious, and whining back and forth (and now here, sorry!) is keeping me sane. (Well. That’s a relative term, yes?) I am actually STICKING to the diet.

PEE ESS this diet? NO drinking. Yeah. NO drinking. I was like, “You mean no drinking except for red wine, which is nutritive and practically holy.” No, NO drinking. I was like, “Right. Except for Jack Daniels, which I have to drink because it is a cultural imperative.” No, not even Jack Daniels, so I think this might be an ILLEGAL diet in the South. I am BREAKING THE LAW. But oh well. I am sticking to it. *grinds teeth*

We’ll see how it goes when CHRISTMAS arrives, with it’s feast of roast beast. Heh. But I have to either drop some weight or spend hundreds of dollars buying a whole new wardrobe. Since it IS Christmas AND the roof started leaking and had to replaced AND the furnace FLAT DIED and had to be replaced—what a GLORIOUS December, eh?—I think doing stuff to fit back into all the pants I already own is the wiser move.

12 comments to The Fat Came Back

  • Shelley

    Oh I do love your blog. Laughing hysterically is a great way to start the day. I commend you for sticking to your diet in the holiday season. That’s pretty amazing. Good luck! You can do it!

    PS, thank you for recommending Still Missing. I just finished it last night and really enjoyed it. I will add it to the books I tell everyone to read, along with all of yours.

  • If it makes you feel any better, I am now 23!! pounds over my post WW success weigh. 23!! And I didn’t have any illness, surgery and recovery to blame it on. Just food. 🙁

  • I have such a fat delusion in my brain that I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the P90x workout I ordered. I run home every day and hope that they delivered the thing that will make me sweat and probably cry and definitely cuss.

  • Aimee

    *snort* You forgot the most important part! Where do I go to buy the magic algae-pixie dust-kelpie-cocaine supplements? Because truly, they sound DELICIOUS.

  • Beth R

    Ummm… Joss?
    “SO my beautiful friend Kira and I are on a tear…of course she actually DID have a baby, but um. Shut up.”

    Yes, Kira did just have a baby… but you had a monster organ decide to try to KILL you from the inside. Please cut yourself a little slack.

    Hugs and happy crazy diet!

  • Roxy C

    I enjoyed your agonizing…uh…writings about your diet and clothing issues. I would have laughed harder if it wasn’t so painfully true. It boggles my mind why some have surgery, anxieties, etc. and get to LOSE weight. It just doesn’t seem fair to the others of us whose bodies react in the opposite. I will ponder on this a while as I taste test the chocolate pizzelles I just made…as gifts, of course for friends but need to be sure they came out ok.
    I applaud your efforts and fortitude in this venture and know you will succeed and be in your skinny jeans before 2011!
    Merry Christmas to you and your family. I miss seeing you guys.

  • Åsa

    What happened to Weight Watchers? Did it not work out? I recommend Monica Seles biography.

  • At least you are TRYING…after six months of staying home and cooking delicious meals I can no longer see my feet. And I just bought a new size 18 wardrobe rather than get my butt in gear.

    However, between my new wardrobe and the banana cupcakes with honey cinnamon frosting that I made yesterday and of course having a new FTK blog entry to read, I am pretty happy!!!

  • Lecithin…THIN…logic + grammar = perfect. Love that!!

    I’ve had my own issues post-baby, post-surgery and just living in Alaska for 3 years where you need some insulation! 😉 Running works–but you actually have to go and do it–which I hate–but it works when I do it.
    Otherwise, I highly recommend “Sugar-Busters.” (I know, it doesn’t sound any fun, as…well….NO sugar. BUT you can have red wine. You can have wine. It is, therefore, the diet that works for me.) 😉

  • Brigitte

    It’s sad that deciding between “alive-but-still-in-the-fat-pants”, or “dead-but-don’t-I-look-great-in-my-skinny-clothes” is a toss-up, but I know that *I* prefer the first.
    😉

    If you really want to see some gross foods, read the archives at http://www.thesneeze.com/steve-dont-eat-it/
    (uuuurgh, shudder, if you dare).

  • Dude. I had a baby TWENTY MONTHS AGO. She is an enormous talky girl who trots around, shrieking orders at her brothers. She selects her own shoes. She hates the blue dress and prefers the PINK one with all the hearts.
    It’s entirely too late to blame my jiggle-a-tude on her.

  • My baby is 9. *Ahem.*

    I am about to wade into Weight Watchers online methinks. Or something. . .

    And is FFP gone FOREVER AND EVER???? Please, say no. . .even if you just go there to WHINE I would read and comment and the like.

    And I believe I would rather eat roadkill from I-20 (though I am now WAY closer to I-10) than canned frog meat.

    Just sayin’.