I think this story is going to end with weeping and only one ear being pierced. She may get both done, though.
Weeping and a single pierced ear per person is my best case scenario. I am ACTUALLY bracing for lobe infection and death for me, and an emergency ear-ectomy for Maisy Jane. She wants to go to Claire’s in the mall (“Mom, my BFF got HER ears done there, and she is totally FINE!”), but then I think about her becoming a poor little one eared half-orphan and I shudder and reject the idea.
I am so scared of it that I decided to go to a doctor, and so I have been on hold and button punching with the automated answering systems of a slew of dermatologists, pressing numbers to get to a person who will tell me they no longer do ear piercing, because they, ahem, they are doctors. Not teenagers with an afternoon mall job. WHICH YES, of course they are doctors.
But I have to admit, when one automated answering system began by saying:
“Thank you for calling Nearby Dermatology, if this is an emergency…”
I immediately thought the next words would be, “Then why the hell are you calling a dermatologist?” So.
Still I liked that automated answering message better than the one with a smooth, boomy man voice who trumpeted “Botox is the new face of America!” Really? Is that true? I hope not. But these days it isn’t only the over-thirties on TV who claim their anti-depressants are responsible for their eggshell smooth untroubled brows, when really it is secretly Botox.
Meanwhile I am staggering around violently mood swinging with a forehead like a rumpled sweater, because if there is one thing that scares me more than ear piercing, it is putting pig botulism in my own, personal face. And if there is one thing that scares me more than pig botulism being put (WITH A NEEDLE! A NEEDLE!!!) into my own personal face, it’s anti-depressants, because I have weird body chemistry. Except for mild antibiotics (like that pink liquid kind they give cats and little children), I react to most prescription drugs by having all the side-effects, or worse, I get allergic and puff up into a rashy pink anaphylactic sausage.
Also, I hear you can’t drink if you take them. *beatiffic smile*
If I can’t drink, how will I be able to take the required three shots of pre-ears-piercing Jack “Courage” Daniels? And if I do not take the required three shots of pre-ears-piercing Jack “Courage” Daniels, how will I get my blood thin enough to bleed out after the first piercing, thus avoiding the SECOND piercing and the long, painful, infected piercing site death by blood poisoning?
Should I get them pierced at Claire’s? And do not say Tattoo parlor. I am not GOING to a tattoo parlor, one, because I don’t want my over-trend-concious Maisy Jane agitating for a bare-breasted-mermaid-holding-a-gun-and-a-skull tramp stamp until she is at least ten, and also I hear they they use real free floating enormous piercing needles. Supposedly needles are more STERILE but I also hear that they are made out of ACTUAL VISIBLE NEEDLES. No. No no no.
I want to be shot with a GUN. Like an American.
Anyone know a piercing dermatologist? This may very well be an emergency.