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Fun with Google

This squirrel knows how to use Google Maps. And Bazookas.

So as I have mentioned before, Scott and I play WoW. World of Warcraft. That chick in the picture is my favorite toon, Reviva, a level 80 Holy/Disc priest on Hellscream, and if you understood what I just said, then you, my friend are a geek. But my kind of geek. So. Welcome.

My love of MMORPGs stretches all the way back to grad school, when Lydia and I used to MUD (luvthewiki) while drinking tequila, and tequila makes it VERY hard to remember how to navigate entirely text based landscapes.

Tequila MUDing always began with sincere hearts and questing and ended with extremely poor typing and profane belligerence toward NPCs. Lydia and I got kicked out of more than one MUD for “bad typing” (me) Not taking the RP SRSLY.” (Both)

I am still phenomenally guilty of perpetrating both crimes. In fact, when I told an Orc in WoW that I was a novelist in the For Reals, he was sure I was lying. “Don’t novelists,” he enquired earnestly, “need to know how to type?”

Dear Sir,
Not necessarily.
The Four-fingered Reigning Empress of the High Speed Hunt-N-Peck

I like the dresses. K? But if this is where fashion is going, then someone needs to buy fashion some pants.

My WoW-love, combined with the fact that I think it is funny Every Single Time when the dog toots and then looks at his butt in surprise, leads me to the probably true belief that I have the interior landscape of the average fourteen year old boy. No wonder I get embarrassed writing sex scenes…

Anyway, it would be more accurate to say that I USED to play WoW, but I have been so busy I haven’t had time for any sort of leisure activity beyond pretending to be Gretched while watching PRO RO , which I won, btw, larlar, although I did not deserve to as I sent 3 of my models down the runway in what amounted to mossy-green granny panties.

Yesterday, I fell into chunks and blew all my brain gaskets gaskets. My husband peeled the netbook away from me and said I had to stop for a bit. I was feeling a strong need to commit mayhem of some sort, and my friend Lia suggested an impromptu raid. I thought, “I bet my mental illness number would be considerably lowered if I went somewhere and killed really just a whoooole bunch of things,” so I got on and we hit the end game content.

Now, raiding is complicated. You get ten toons in a group, and the ten people running them simultaneously get in a computer program called VENT that allows us to talk. But it isn’t easy to stay on task while you are in what amounts to a ten way conference call.

In any given raid, the following circumstances will most likely be true: Two will be AFK texting their girlfriends, two have connection problems, there are probably three secret feuds, and at least one long distance love affair is going on, either with obvious Sugar Poodling or COVERT Sugar Poodling. At least eight are drinking alcoholic beverages, and a minimum of three are in a secret chat room gossiping about other people in the group and sometimes mis-telling so the rest of us are whisper-texting back and forth trying to figure out who the secret chat roomers are gossiping about. In the middle of this, the ten of you run at something large and befanged, and if one person messes up, we all die.

In other words, it’s REALLY fun.

SO last night I am trying to explain the Sindragosa fight to some raiders who have not seen it before, and I send EVERYONE, even those of us who have killed her in previous raids, to go watch a video showing a method for downing her. I am obediently following my own directive when my husband says, in Vent, “Hey, did you know if you google map for directions from China to Japan, step 42 is, ‘Jet Ski across the Pacific?””

I experience a sudden suspicion that HE, for one, is NOT watching the Sindragosa video, but is instead playing in Google Maps. A quick peek over my shoulder confirms his perfidy. It also confirms that he is right. Step 42 IS “Jet Ski Across the Pacific.”

Best part is, you have to take toll roads to get to Hell!

Digression: My new plan is to divorce Scott, marry a disposable husband, convince him to take me on an Asian honeymoon, go to China, Google map a route to Japan, send him across the Pacific on the Jet Ski FIRST, watch him drown, sue Google Maps for a billion dollars, remarry Scott, and buy us a small island with a ROCKIN’ T3 internet connection and play WoW on the beach while eating roast suckling pig and drinking fruity cocktails out of whole pineapples. /digression.

So I say, in the vents, “HI! SCOTT! If you MUST play in Google maps, please get us a route from Azeroth to HELL, so we can send Sindragosa there. K. THANX.”

Now Azeroth is an entirely made up land. Azeroth is where WoW happens just like Middle Earth is where Lord of the Rings happens and Pandora is where James Cameron happens. But Scott plugs in the data ANYWAY. And darned if Google Maps does not FIND US A ROUTE.

Azeroth, according to Google, is located inside the Blizzard Game Designers corporate HQ, and Hell is a scant 2 hours and change away.

I say all this to say…Google can do ANYTHING.

21 comments to Fun with Google

  • I was most unimpressed that Gretched won Project Runway with those outfits. I might have blamed you for the briefest of moments…sorry.

  • edj

    Also, if you try to go from Oregon to a friend’s house in China, Google will tell you to go to Alaska and take an ocean-going kayak.

  • edj

    P.S. I forgot to mention that I already knew Hell was in Southern California, because A. I have been there (everything there is asphalt and palm trees) and B. I read the Percy Jackson books, which confirmed it. Also C, my husband grew up there. He keeps wanting to go back but that’s obviously demonic influence. I HATE SoCal, in case I’m not communicating that. Plus my inlaws are there.

  • My baby sister just got back from BlizzCon in LA. It was the one thing she wanted to do before her daughter is born in Dec. I have not started WoW b/c I know myself and know what an addict I would be.

  • There’s a toll on the road to hell???

  • The weird thing is that if you ask Google to give you directions from New Jersey to Hell, it tries to send you to a town in Michigan and that SoCal Hell doesn’t even show up as an option.

  • Dani

    It used to be that if you googled “From New York, NY To Paris, France” it would tell you to swim across the ocean. But I just tried it and it doesn’t work anymore. Boo!

  • Brigitte

    I’m with PattiH, I was wondering how much those tolls are. Your SOUL, perhaps?

  • It’s okay, Heather. I blamed me too. The truth is this: I believe fervently that if Mondo had sent the black dress and NOT the bubble dress, taken half the hair deedles away, removed some of the pompoms from the shoes, and include4d a cpuple of his fantasticly lined fitted little jacketies he would have had it IN THE BAG.

    I also think that, even styled as they were, he CLEARLY should have won.

    But I LIKE Gretched. I know I am a small minority here. SHe was relelntless and she pontificated, but hey we all have flaws. 😀 I liked a lot of her clothes. The ones that weren’t panties.

  • JulieB

    Thanks! This made Monday better. 🙂

  • Of course there are toll roads to Hell! I suppose I’m the only one old enough to remember Chris De Burgh’s “Don’t Pay The Ferryman”, but I thought everyone knew you had to pay to cross the river Styx.

    We haven’t played WoW, but we EQ2 rather frequently, and we loves the Googles for figuring out stuff. We have, however, not tried to get from one of the worlds there to Hell. Now I suspect we’re going to have to give it a shot.

    My friend, Lou, used to program MUDs.

    How’s your mental health index now?

  • I just thought that, mossy green granny panties aside (obviously) most of Gretched’s models looked like they were having a Chico’s kind of day. Michael Kors kept saying that they are “accessible” and “sellable.” Yes. At the JJill outlet! Pleeeze. Mondo was robbed.

  • Brigitte

    Wow! Nothing to do with anything, but I had a horrible dream that I was YOU – not that it’s awful in general, but I was you doing one of those presentations at a book store, which for me would indeed be a real nightmare. Of course, I knew nothing about anything people were asking, and I was throwing total BS out there and desperately praying to get away with it . . and that nobody would notice my sweats and lack of makeup. 😉

  • jeanette

    The toll road to hell is paved with good intentions……….and in a constant state of construction.

  • Mr. Husband


    Chris De Burgh’s “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” was a MUCH better song than “Lady in Red”. It’s a shame no one remembers his earlier hit. Yeah, I’m old too.

  • Oh. My. Goodness. And I LOVED “Don’t Pay the Ferryman.” My brother and I used to watch the video on “Friday Night Videos.” That, “Safety Dance,” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was a good night.

  • Katie

    I just googled from my house to hell, and I did not know I was that close. I live in SoCal. Makes sense though. Everyone drives like they are a bat outta hell.

  • Jujube

    Soooo….your book will be done before Cataclysm? ‘Cause you know you’ll get nothing else done after Dec. 7. Unless you’re not at all like me and can carry on with the activities of daily living in spite of the fact that the most awesome game EVER is going to be all fresh and new. My husband (who does not play) is already cowering. Poor dear.

  • Jujube

    Hm. Cowering seems a little strong. I really meant another word that implies more the feeling some wives (me) get while being ignored during the football season.

  • Aimee

    I’m old too, because I totally remember “Don’t Pay the Ferryman” and I LURVED that song. Much better than Lady in Red *nods vigorously*

  • Michelle M.

    I’m too old too. But, I believe old is good (except when it’s PR clothing line)

    I think Michael Kors and Nina Garcia should be fired as judges. They totally bulldozed Heidi into the Gretched win. She all but said so on Leno. She said she was terribly unhappy with the way it went. I hated the granny panties and thought all the clothes looked older than I am and we’ve already established that I’m old.

    Mondo was robbed. I think if he’d shown the black dress instead of the polka dot dress that Heidi and Jessica Simpson loved, he might have pulled off a win. Did Jessica look puffy? unhealthy? something not right?