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To My Friends Inside the Television

The book is eating me. I can’t stop or put it down, and I am so floppitty-xausted by day’s end, I just want to glare blankly at the Television. And I DO mean glare. I TRY to relax, but I cannot. Why? You ask. Well. Some of my friends in the television ARE MAKING ME SO ANGRY.

MK called this a show stopper. My show remains unstopped.

PROJECT RUNWAY: As you know, Karen and Lydia and I all take on the personas of a chosen designer and root for them throughout the season, so matter how awful they are, either as designers or as human beings. Lydia has been Mondo from week one. Karen was Valerie, but got auf’ed.

Yesterday she sent Lydia and I the following message: I am now Michael C. Wear my drape-y, peeping-butt-crack monstrosities, biyotches! WEAR THEM ALL! *moopy weepy face*

To which I replied: I hate you and if you go to fashion week and not me I will throw crabs at your face.

I am, this year, being Gretched, and I LUFF her. I luff her FULLY. From her hippy-dippy nature goddess clothes to her entitled pouting. A lot of the project runway blogs are calling her this seasons villain, but, really? (Have we so soon forgotten Ivy?) In MY MIND, the villain is Michael C (KAREN!), who the editors and the judges are ALL trying desperately to cram down my throat as some sort of dark horse underdog… but every time they praise one of his bizarre outfits, I think it has to be a joke. He won one week’s challenge with a crotch-short big-sleeved 80’s middle school prom knock off, after all.

The fact that he is making a line to compete for a slot at fashion week? INSANE. The only explanation is that this is some sort of patronizing HEIDI WROUGHT CONSPIRACY to say nice things about his garmenture because the other kids were mean to him at lunch. If Mondo, Andy, or Gretched (ME!) Miss fashion week for him, there is no justice or hope in all the land.

Benz, looking darling in a less butt-be-cracked version of Michael C's so called original work of show stoppingness

I, in my guise as Gretched, said it best when I said, “It’s Michael C. You never know when he is being an idiot savant, or just an idiot.” Except you do know. You only have to look at the clothes. This is the guy who chose the Statue of Liberty as his inspiration, then put a girl in a draped dress and claimed it wasn’t literal because the dress was BLACK. The REAL Statue’s dress, you see, is GREEN. *nodnodnod* The real Statue of Liberty’s dress, it is worth nothing, also doesn’t dip so low we see Lady Liberty’s butt crack. If only he had been a bit more literal in THAT way.

On the Huffington Post, Una LaMarche has a hilarious Pro-Ro recap, and she says, As his look leaves the runway, Michael whispers, “Did you guys like it?” and Gretchen just says, “Sexual.” I’m going to start saying that whenever I mean “No.”

SO AM I, UNA.

NO ORDINARY FAMILY: Okay, look, I REALLY want to like this show. SO much. It has Julie Benz in it, and I want to love anything Julie Benz touches, ever. She was Rita on Dexter, after all. Before that she received the Official Most Holy Joss Whedon Seal of Awesome, not once, but TWICE, playing Darla on Buffy and Angel. Julie, where you lead, I will try to follow, and I love you. THAT SAID:

Can the writers and producers cut down a tad on the soapy “REAL LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEEN” style angst and up the action? These people have super powers. Less boyfriend drama, MORE EXPLOSIONS, PLOX. K thanx drive thru.

DANCING WITH THE STARS: In public I claim I watch this because Maisy lives for it, and this is true. Maisy is BIG into dance. BUT…

Secretly? Love it. Shhh. I seldom know who more than half the stars are, but I love the costumes and routines, and I have become fond of several of the professionals.

We root for whoever is partnered with our favorite pros—the charmingly morose Anna, the vicious primo donn-er Maksim, darling Chelsie, and sexy Cheryl — but most especially? We root for Derek Hough. Partner Derek with a dyspeptic hamster? We would be dialing in votes for the hamster at the end of the night.

This season he has Jennifer Grey. And so far they are GREAT —- watch this TANGO and tell me you do not want to run out sand start taking ballroom lessons. Or maybe just put on tango music and grab your honey and sway.

THAT SAID? Jennifer’s constant EMO CAT IS SAD stuff is making me insane. I hope she doesn’t fluff and weasel and be so unendurably high maintenance and whiny and PICK ON DEREK for a temper the boy does not HAVE that I become unable to love her. Bad, Baby! Go to corner!

Lastly, as much as I enjoy watching Mal play Richard Castle, I wish he would stop sillying around writing novels and fighting crime in NYC and get back in SPACE rustling cattle where he belongs. Which is a backwards way of saying I am ready for Joss Whedon to take another run at TV.

Joss. I am watching DANCING WITH THE STARS and blaming MY INNOCENT CHILD, for the love of Pete. Help me out here…

24 comments to To My Friends Inside the Television

  • Aimee

    Well, I hate to bum you out, Gretched, but Lydia’s going to kick all of your asses because Mondo=WIN. That said, I wouldn’t really be surprised if Michael C won only because, although he doth righteously suck, the judges are smoking SO VERY MUCH crack that anything could happen. It’s madness!

    Agreed on No Ordinary Family. Agreed on Joss Whedon. Why is so much of the new TV so boring? We want Joss!

  • I *heart* Michael C. I hate Gretchen.

    Sorry, luv.

  • Oh Gretched is the devil, granted. I mean, I have named her Gretched. So. But I like her clothes. And I am entertained by her relentlessness and her DOWN MOUTH all DOWN. But Michael C is a manipulative UBER MARTYR who is workiing over the softhearted—I don’t buy it. And his CLOTHES? Yikes.

  • “…I enjoy watching Mal play Richard Castle, I wish he would stop sillying around writing novels and fighting crime in NYC and get back in SPACE rustling cattle where he belongs.”

    An explanation only a Joss Whedon fan would love. Or understand for that matter. But that’s ok because it cracked me up and we don’t want to play with people who don’t understand anyway.

  • Anna

    Did you see the Halloween Castle last year where he dressed up as Mal? I almost cried! I miss him!

  • Em

    First of all, dancing was great but HOW did that dress stay on Jennifer Grey, speaking of low cut number? Low in the front, lower in the back, off the shoulders. That would definitely hinder the shimmy, if you ask me.

    I happened to remember that Joss Whedon directed an episode of Glee which was my new favorite last year and this year I am kind of waiting for it to catch up with how awesome it was last season. I think Rachel’s bangs are frustrating me. BUT the episode that was my very favorite, that has a little shield in front of it on my DVR so that it may never EVER go away is “Dream On” with all of my favorite songs plus bonus Doogie and that was directed by her.

  • Jill W.

    What? No Modern Family? No Glee?

    Modern Family is my very favorite thing on TV. The writing is so tight!

  • But Glee is not enraging me… <3 the glee.

    Never seen Modern Family.

    BY THE WAY I just noticed Micheal C's styling consisted of saying he wanted editorial hair and putting her in a nude shoe. *hangs self*

  • Michelle M.

    Oh but you are so WRONG! Wretched is an ass and her clothes totally suck. She and Ivy were running very close as the villain (a cruelly malicious person who is involved in or devoted to wickedness) and since Ivy is gone Wretched is it! Mondo is def the best designer, but Michael C has put out some great clothes. Who knows more about fashion, Wretched and crew, Heidi and crew or Joshilyn and crew? I think you know who and it ain’t you or your alter ego Wretched. but I still love you and your writing even though you know nothing about fashion!

  • Thanks! Glad we can still be friends even though you are SO michael C misguided! One thing we can agree on—the delicious Mondo is delicious.

    As for the judges? Heidi and crew KNOW fashion, but they are…choosing not to enforce it. I think there is SOME pity, but it is mostly a healthy dose of the producers want the DRAMA Michael C causes as he climbs onto any avaiable cross and suffers palpably.

    The unbiased PR Blog-recappers mostly seem slightly SHOCKED at how the judges keep rewarding MC for…not very good stuff. But what’s to be shocked over? As it says in the fine print at the end of every ep — the producers have input over what goes forward…and they choose for DRAMA.
    I think by ep 2 we had all pegged Mondo as the WINNAHHHH so what else will keep us watching?

  • I can’t agree that Gretchen’s clothes were good. The ’80s jumper, the blousy, white top under everything. Blah. But Michael C. was awful. $500 and 2 days created a slutted up, draped, halter dress.

    As for Heidi and crew knowing fashion, I’m unconvinced. I mean, they rewarded Andy a win for a hoodie that completely ripped off a Lululemon design. Heidi the “designer” apparently isn’t even aware of the logos of her sportswear competitors. For shame.

    I still more the loss of Firefly…and Pushing Daisies. Sigh.

  • Beth R

    @Em – illusion netting. The dress is actually a very reasonable t-shirt neck with a button/snap fastener at the back of the neck so she can get into it, since the trunks are built in. Almost every time you’re seeing “skin” in a skating or dancing costume, it’s actually illusion netting.

    Nathan Fillian… swoon! I’ve fought watching Castle since it starts at my bedtime. Must join Netflix and rent season 1!!!

  • Preachin’ to the choir. Every time I think Michael C is going to be laughed off the runway, they make him the winner. Where is the design in a giant beach wrap? Doesn’t that god-awful black tent with the slit up to here and dip down to there belong over a swimsuit?

    I do not like Gretched. Listen to her – 90% of her sentences begin with “I” (and have two or three more in the middle). I’m not fond of her style, but she’s certainly a better designer than Michael C. Why do the judges punish one contestant for sticking to their signature style, then commend another contestant for being true to their signature style?! Yeah, I know, you answered that in your last comment – producers, drama, crap. They’d better be careful, because if their viewers feel that talent is being screwed over for the sake of a story, we’ll stop watching.

  • Kitty

    I just recently discovered Firefly. Sad but true. Thank goodness for Hulu. Agreed – must have more Joss Whedon television!

  • JenniferG

    About twice a year I get out the Firefly DVDs and watch the whole series beginning to end and top it off with Serenity. I loved Castle as Mal last year! ….sigh….

    I haven’t watch much of PR this season but saw the recap of this episode. Michael C won? Really? I agree: judges = crack

  • Jill W.

    Since you’re not busy at all, you should really check out the first season of Modern Family on DVD. I think you would love it. Very smart, very funny show.

  • Aimee

    Jill W — I totally second the recommendation of Modern Family. Hands down it’s my favorite show right now. The writing is so smart and funny, and the performances are sharp as hell.

  • I am MONDO all the way. Anybody who wears those getups in public is self-confident to the max. You have to love that!

  • Jennifer in NC

    Mondo is the bestest designer!! He’s so cute that I want to carry him around in my pocket. Sorry but I’m not feeling the love for the Gretched BoHo clothes….

  • Em

    @Beth – of course!! I have been fooled by illusion netting before! Silly me. But I do think we have stumbled onto the Next Big Thing in Formalwear for the carpool scene. I don’t watch Project Runway (sorry!) but I would like to see them tackle that!

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Ditto to what Heather and Jennifer G said about Nathan Fillion. LOVE HIM! Castle is worth watching just for the shout-outs to his former roles. His Mal costume was the most obvious, and his evil laugh in the same episode was Dr. Horrible worthy, and my favorite was his subtle reference to his time on Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza place when he mentioned that he heard that “Ryan Reynold is supposed to play the triangle in the movie and I hear he’s very good.” :-)

    I join you in pleading for more Joss Whedon television.

  • Kacie

    If this makes you feel any better…

    Everyone on project runway puts together a line for fashion week. They all show there as well. When they edit project runway, only the finalists are put into the version for television. That is how they keep the actual winner a secret until the show airs. So your gal will still see the runway even if that awful butt cleavage guy is a finalist for the prize.

  • Michelle M.

    Modern Family is the bomb! love it

  • laura

    I know I’m late joining this conversaton.
    But please hear me say: WHAT IS UP WITH MICHAEL C?
    I so don’t get his creations or his hypnotizing power over the judges.

    Gretchen, bless her heart, has lost her way. I’m hoping she finds the path and kicks Michael C’s backside.

    I heart Mondo and Andy.

    thank you.

    I feel better.