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The Love Doctor is In. And He’s Ten.

My friend’s ten year old is a Lady’s Man. Always has been. Girls just…like him. And he likes girls. Never did that YUCK GIRLS, thing, which is pretty rare. He reminds me of my own son in a lot of ways. For example, they talk (and write) like 40 year old accountants, and they have talked like this since they were 18 months old and started makign sentences. It is a, I think, hazard of having the kind of mother who praises your “meritorious valor” when you eat all your peas and cautions you against “iIndulging in shenanigans, lest you invoke my maternal wrath.”

SO now on his blog, he has written a guide to getting a girlfriend that is SO. FREAKING. FULL. OF. AWESOME. I am sharing it with you.


Stage 1: SPY

The first step is to spy on your future girlfriend. Find out what she likes, wears, and most important: Her PERSONALITY. A woman’s personality determines how easy it is to get together with her. Study how she acts with friends. Does she have a lot? a few? one? or none? Next what she likes. Study her clothes. Does she wear pink, or red? shirts, or dresses? sandals, or sketchers® twinkle toes? Also study her speech. You can find out a lot by hearing a girl talk to someone else. What’s her favorite color? her favorite movie? who does she know? does she believe in cooties
Also what she does. How she arrives, if she likes to get active, if she already has a boyfriend or not (important.) After you’ve found out enough about her, move on to stage 2


Now that you’ve found out everything you need to know about her, it’s time to make an appearance based on what you’ve learned from stage 1. Now try to put everything you learned together like a jigsaw puzzle, like this: Name: Jessica. Favorite color: Blue. Favorite sport: golf. Friends: Alice, Jenifer, Julia, and Marci. Favorite outfit: Blue butterfly dress with 3 yellow flowers on it. Now try to come up with something to do with all this, like starting a mini golf course giving away a free blue golf club with blue ball to the first girl named Jessica to show up. (first make sure there are no other girls named Jessica) and she can bring up to four friends, and she and her optional friends can have ten more runs if she or one of her friends has a blue shirt with yellow flowers on it. (If the plan backfires, let me know.)

Stage 3: A friendly introduction

Now that you’ve made some fame with her, it’s time to introduce yourself. Make it in private, like in the woods or something. Then tell her your name and your interests (e.g. I like dogs, I like pizza, etc.) Then tell her her interests. She should think you’re a psychic or something. Then have some fun! Now once your feminine friend gets used to being with you, move on to

Stage 4: The admitting
Now that you know everything about making a girlfriend, tell everything you know to her, only with boys. Tell her our interests, what we like to do, what we like to wear, eat and drink, where we like to go, etc. So now you should be good, bye for now.

P.S. I have 4 girlfriends
P.P.S. Beware of the smoochies!

15 comments to The Love Doctor is In. And He’s Ten.

  • Laura

    pure, unadulterated genius. My favorite part? ‘does she believe in cooties?’ Could there *be* a more crucial bit of information for a ten year old boy looking for love? I think not.

  • JennyM

    Beware of the smoochies! Oh yes, truer words were never spoken.

  • Carrie (in MN)

    That is truly awesome. But I hope you won’t take it wrong that I’d like him to stay away from my 10 year old daughters – the “introduction in the woods” is not allowed until they’re 30.

  • Beth R

    bwwwaaahahaahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! He’s SMOOOOVE 🙂

    Of course the most important question: what does Sam think of his buddy’s MO?

  • Em

    He should know step one only works until he is about 16. At that point, he better get facebook and stalk secretly or potentially be slapped with a restraining order (especially if he brings up meeting in the woods too early in the conversation). Makes me wonder how many mini golf courses were opened to pick up specific chicks.

  • Leslie

    holy cow this is super funny! How old is this kid?
    Makes me wish my husband would read it – lol

  • Leslie

    nevermind – I reread – he’s ten! WOWZIE!

  • So if he DOESN’T want the smoochies. . .what good is a girlfriend?

  • JulieB

    I’m lining up to be GF number 5.

  • Oh, that’s hilarious. Reminds me a bit of the first boy I ever kissed.

  • Brigitte

    Smoochies and cooties . . pretty much the same thing at that age!

  • Ah, the hazards of having a writer mother. Recent conversation with my 3 year old:

    Bella: I’m not afraid of most things about Daddy getting old, but I am very afraid of making a shopping list when Daddy gets old.
    Me: What?
    Bella: Because I’ll say, ‘This is horrible! I have to go out and buy a new Daddy!’

    Good grief, the great existential crisis over the inevitability of death and decay at 3. Poor kid is doomed to be a writer for sure.

  • Aimee

    Once you’ve made some fame with her! Oh, lordy, I love this. I love that his suggestion for making an appearance is starting a mini-golf course.

    I predict great things for Benny.

  • Seriously, Benny’s got a big life coming up. That’s awesome. And I’m with Leslie in wishing my husband would read it. My own boy never went through the girls are icky stage, either, and it’s always been easy for him to talk to/make friends with/ask out the chicks. I’m pointing him at this blog for anything he may have missed out on, though. Benny’s the man.

  • Haley

    You can’t make this stuff up.

    My favorite part is Step 2, where he plans the miniature golf outing specifically for girls named Jessica with blue shirts with yellow flowers on them. That would not seem suspicious at all.