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I Go Goop


THIS CONTEST—where you can win a brand new signed fresh PB of SOMEONE ELSE’S LOVE STORY hot off the presses plus another of my backlist PLUS your entry will be used by William Morrow to make COOL IMAGES—- ENDS FRIDAY.

You should please enter because reading the entries—especially when you choose a line that I forgot or was secretly proud of and spent a lot of time making—- is really making me feel warm and good and I need A LOT OF HELP to feel good.

This MONO….SUCKS. I wake up every morning feeling like some mean, hot-breathed, fetid animal ate me, threw me up, re-ate me, and pooped me out. By noon I feel like it has now come back to stamp on me.

Insult to injury—I can’t drink alcohol or work out, two of my most FAVORITE things, and I also can’t stay awake for more than 5 hours at a stretch which is making things like finishing this novel I am writing and/or having a personal life a little bit challenging. Heh.

This is stress related, by the by, not from kissing. I had mono when I was a teenager— Much MORE convenient THEN, before you are legal and before you get the 40+ metabolic SLOWS. Why, back then I never exercised or drank alcohol so I hardly noticed, except for the glands like boulders and the being exhausted every second.

My doc says I am under so much stress that my immune system has thoroughly crashed and every dormant virus in my body, all the ones I conquered years ago, have reactivated to make another good run at killing me while my white cells recline on a fainting couch, plying at being a herd of Belles With The Vapours.

I am eating a lot of fish oil pills and supplements and eating weird Gwyneth Paltrow-y antioxident soaked nutritives in an attempt to bolster my stupid body.

I know I have jumped the food shark. I KNOW. Because I found myself at a bar enthusiastically ordering a Funk Weiss grapefruit beer (this was pre-mono, but post my initial immune system crash) and a beet and kale salad with parmesan cream, which WHAT? And yet, it was good. I now make a version at home.

When I was a kid, every Sunday night my mom made Spam and biscuits with creamed corn. SO it hurts me to admit I genuinely like to eat this.


Here is the version I make, if you want to continue to have an immune system. WHICH I STRONGLY RECOMMEND.

Thinly slice these Trader Joe’s baby steamed beets.

Throw them into this bag of ORGANIC TUSCAN Kale. Which, I feel so GOOP just saying ORGANIC and TUSCAN in front of the word Kale that I want to walk into an artisanal sea like a virgin-oil-braised lemming, but THAT IS WHAT IT SAYS ON THE BAG.

Toss them with a creamy parmesan dressing like this one.

If you are dying of mono and have zero energy to whisk things, you can use any good creamy Caesar from a jar or even a homemade one if you are a magic person who understands anchovies. I like the simpler, homemade parm one best.

Since you are eating steamed peeled baby beets and kale that vacations in TUSCANY, I say you might as well SPLURGE on the cheese. Don’t defile tiny pink baby beets with some powdery beige dust in a plastic can. Get a triangle shaped wedge of real cheese and grate it into your dressing and then put more on TOP. It makes a huge difference in the amount of kale you will be willing to put in yourself.

Good cheese = REALLY A LOT OF KALE GETS PUT INTO YOU, and with genuine lip smacking and delight.

Powdery bland canned crap = dutifully choking down a pile of gritty, fat-slimed kale because you might die of no immune system if you don’t.

Please do not forget to ENTER THE CONTEST plox? If you need me, I’ll be on the fainting sofa with my antibodies. Or perhaps learning how to temporarily tattoo myself with Henna, which at this point feels like an aerobic workout.

joss henna

6 comments to I Go Goop

  • Elisabeth KIssling

    I was diagnosed with mono a few years ago as a puzzled and embarrassed adult (I hadn’t kissed anyone lately and did not have mono earlier in my youth)… But my local natural health store suggested oil of oregano. I smelled faintly like an Italian restaurant but it did make a difference.!
    If I can enter your contact my quote is:
    “Sometimes karma takes years to pay a person back, but that day, it had a fast backhand return…”

  • the_celt

    Joss, the comments are closed on the contest entry post. I have one I want to enter, so should we post them here instead?

    Your experience with mono reminds me of my husband’s prior experience with shingles. This was a few years ago, when he was about 30 or 31, and I kept thinking that stuff on his eyebrow and near his eye (!) was shingles. I finally got him to go to the doctor, and when she asked, “Are you feeling stressed lately?”, he actually stopped to think about that. I answered, “Yes! Yes, he is feeling stressed!” (He’s just too kind to admit when he’s overwhelmed with STUFF going on, and I was worried the shingles would go into his eye, which is not good.) He finally admitted that he was, indeed, stressed. Darn chickenpox coming back with a vengeance!

  • First of all, I feel like a loser for not entering your contest yet AND for not knowing you had mono, AND for being two posts behind. I am hopeful that my Best Beloved license has not been revoked.. Alas, I do NOT have mono but got a UTI with a big ole side of summer cold my son brought home from west Texas Boy Scout Camp and then a honkin’ big pine tree got horked in half by a raging storm and fell on our pick up truck necessitating the events that happen when a new vehicle must be purchased. And we fed 13 people on the 4th mid all if that. It’s been crazy. I hope you are better. All of my favorite quotes seem to be coming from Natty like, “It is bat o’clock immediately, Mommy” or “I must consider the peas.” still lookin’. Um Goopy Kale and beets aside, I found it a monorrific triumph that you managed to use your cheese not as ONE condiment but as TWO. Dressing AND sprinkled atop. I say you are on your way to kicking mono’s butt by way of cheesy goodness.

  • And I am so jealous of your henna tattoo. I have no desire for a permanent one, but I SO want a henna one just for kicks.

  • Annie Laurie

    The very best way I have found to eat kale is lightly steamed with walnut sauce. Basically, dump a pound of kale into a pot with some water at the bottom and leave it until it starts to shrink. Then stir the walnut sauce all over it and eat it like candy. I can go through half a pound of kale at a single sitting this way.

    Walnut Sauce

    1/2 cup walnuts
    1 clove garlic
    1 Tbsp. tamari (soy sauce)
    1/2 cup water

    Blend walnuts, garlic, and tamari in blender or food processor; add water to desired consistency. This will thicken as it stands.

  • edj

    Ugh. I remember mono, which I had at 21 and which did temporarily make me pale and thin (ish) and interesting, but which kicked my butt for most of a year. I hope you regain your energy soon.
    Sorry I haven’t entered your contest (I wrote context by mistake. Wouldn’t that have been fun to figure out?) but I have been gone and didn’t have my copy of the book with me. But I did love it. Just so you know.