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What Giraffe Say

Giraffe Hint: not RING DING DINGITTY BLARG BLARG LAR or whatever it is.

Self-improvement is not a slow, sustainable climb to glory for me. It comes in fits and starts and surges, with a lot of backsliding and re-victories and unvictories and periods of despair and sudden reversals and emergent mourning and losing interest and writhing in hopeless agony and regrouping and fussing and rare instances of stomping madly about yelling YAY ME I PROVE VICTORIOUS! along the way.

What can I say, it keeps me out of bars. Except no, nothing keeps me out of bars. But it keeps me from being BORED.

SOMETIMES a great heaping WALL of self-improvement comes at me in an unstoppable tsunami. It consumes me and leaves me devastated and blinking and barely alive in the wake. Sometimes, later, I look back at the crazy person who MOVED SO FAST and I marvel at her manic foamy lathery WILFULNESS. I am, at times, the infested host avatar of GIT ‘ER DONE.

I cannot make the wave come – OH I WISH I COULD. I cannot stop it and tell it to stand down when it is HERE – OH I WISH I COULD. It comes when it comes, it does what it does, and I try to hang on and GOGOGO and not be smashed on my own rocks while it lasts.

These last few weeks the NOVEL has been GOGOGO, but today, it has paused to breathe, so I have paused to…self improve.

I blame Julie of A Little Pregnant. who is my friend on a food and exercise tracking ap called My Fitness Pal—generally called MFP, except at my house where it is called MMFFP, and I will let you work out the meaning of the extra letters yourself as soon as you remove any little children from the room.

apsirational giraffe dress
ANYWAY Julie is trying to get into her aspirational octopus dress, which requires that there be ten pounds less of her. I MYSELF have an Aspirational Giraffe Dress, which is 5 pounds away from zipping and ten away from zipping and hanging in a flattering manner.

If you stop using MMFFP, it EARNS its extra letters by TATTLING ON YOU to your friends list, and asking them to ENCOURAGE you. This is MMFFP’s own terminology. “Joshilyn hasn’t logged on in four days. She might need some ENCOURAGEMENT.”

The word ENCOURAGE has begun to give me the shudders. I now use it as a pejorative verb, as in, The mugger ENCOURAGED the lady to hand over her purse, or The Doctor ENCOURAGED the prostate to be examined.

But my MMFFP friend’s aspirational octopus dress today enquired about the health and well-being of my aspirational Giraffe dress, which I have APSIRATIONED at for ALMOST A YEAR now without ever once getting it to zip all the way. *sigh*

I wrote back: Tell your mouthy-ass octopus to shut it — giraffes are elegant things that hardly talk at all. HARDLY AT ALL.

Look, an Aspirational Giraffe!

Look, an Aspirational Giraffe!

THIS IS A TRUE SCIENCE FACT! Once past puberty, male giraffe noises are limited to a polite and hopeful coughing meant to remind females that it is time to make more giraffes. Females whistle and hum at their babies. Whistle for “Get that out of your mouth” and hum for “Stop poking your sister.”

Dresses who have the giraffe as their spirit animal are as quiet as the animal they depict and revere. They mostly hang at the back of the closet—classy and refined—silently judging people for being too bloody fat to get into them.

BUT GOOD FOR YOUR OCTOPUS DRESS. I regret to admit that I got bored of caring and wandered off to eat transgressive foods. BUT! LOOK! The encouragement was a success. I feel very encouraged. I will log today, lest you come back and encourage me some more.

To all of you, I wish it to be known that I generally prefer my encouragements to be green and foldy.

(Not FROGS. Don’t fold frogs. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.)

But now that I have been so effectively and rigorously ENCOURAGED, I want to ask….HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE ENCOURAGED? What can I encourage you to do today?

ALSO! AGES ago I asked for MMFFP friends here and NEVER followed up or friended any of the dozen ADORABLE KIND SOULS WHO OFFERED because…SEE ALL OF THE ABOVE. But my name on there is PeauxPeaux (Which is the French word for Police. Obsvi.) So IF YOUR FOOD DIARY IS OPEN TO FRIENDS (Mine is, and you cannot look at MY food unless I can look at yours), please friend me and feel free to encourage the living CRAP out of me.

9 comments to What Giraffe Say

  • kathy

    I’m sorry but I CAN’T encourage right now. I’m too busy cleaning up the coffee I snorted out my nose….

  • erinanne

    You know, I had just managed to forget that fox song, and now it is in my head…

    I need encouragement, but yet I still haven’t figured out what makes me tick. I pretty much need write or die to be a social program where people call me out encourage me on how many words I have written in a week. :)

  • Catherine

    Oh, but I do LOVE the giraffe dress!

  • Corey

    Here is encouragement to get that giraffe-y dressed zipped because I want to see it ON you, not just hanging limp and lazy on the hanger.
    AND I want that dress, too!! Where would you encourage someone to look for that dress??

  • edj

    I am the wrong person to ask because I suck at self-improvement. I am seriously considering paying that nice thin young woman at the gym to improve me herself though. She told me that I could have cheat meals and that she ate half a pie over the weekend in one sitting. Could this work?

  • The Eight Arms of Accountability, revealed.

  • Gail

    I’ve been tracking on the Livestrong website, and I’m depending on it alone to encourage me. What I’d really need for encouragement is to lose any amount of weight. I’ve been at this for about two months, and according to the app which knows my calorie intake and daily exercise, I should have lost like 12 pounds by now. But I have not lost even one pound. So that’s pretty depressing.

  • Peaux Peaux. *snort* Hilarious. You were wearing some animal attire when I took you on that tour of WalMart. I’m sure there was a perfectly happy, if silent, giraffe on that skirt. You did not look fat, but you FID look focused on the juice box objective!

  • Ranger S

    Ahhh, she’s back. Two posts. I may take leave to have faith, again, that there will be more . . .