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Syllogistically Speaking

Dogs are bad. Bagel is a dog. BAGEL IS BAD.

SO I was home for MAYBE 24 hours (Thursday and Friday), and NOW I am in Dahlonega, one of the settings in SOMEONE ELSE’S LOVE STORY, for their lit fest. March is crazy with lit fests and travel, so of COURSE March is when the book starts bursting at my seams, making sense in my head and trying to scramble out of my brains and onto a page.

So, imagine FRIDAY. I am in my office with MAYBE 4 hours before I have to leave for the litfest and 19 hours worth of ideas leaking out my ears, TYPE TYPE TYPE, and Bagel decides he MUST be a horrible turd bucket.

My office door leads to the screened porch, and it has a window—if he stands up, he can peer in it. All he has done this morning is STAND UP AND PEER IN AT ME while scraping his front feet down the door, SCRAPE! SCRAPE! SCRAPE! Rending the door paint LOUDLY and FORCEFULLY, scraping and scraping and scraping his feet down my door in a horrid WRITE-RUINING and door damaging noise, peering imploringly at me through the glass.

HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SCRAPE HIS FEET ON MY DOOR. He is allowed to coem to the door and make a throat clearing noise, like a chuff0-bark, and then I let him in. But when it is not about IN, when it is abotu BREAKFAST, he foot scrapes like a relentless BUCKET OF TURDS. When he does it, he can’t COME IN or GET BREAKFAST until an interval has passed or I will essentially be rewarding HIS HORRIBLE TURD BUCKET SELF for doing a thing I hate.

When Maisy appeared, Bagel had interrupted my train of thought, been called a horrible turd bucket, and told to go away nine times. BUT a good three minutes had passed, so I thought it might be safe to let Maisy give him breakfast without reinforcing TURDY BEHAVIOR.

Me: MAISY! Thank God, there you are. GO FEED THE HORRIBLE TURD BUCKET.

Scott *passing by, does a double-take*: Why would anyone want to feed a horrible turd bucket?

Me: So it can make more horrible turds.

That’s just LOGIC:

Bagel is a turd bucket.
Food makes turds.
Bagel needs food to fulfill his primary function in life.

That is both VALID and SOUND. You can’t fight a good syllogism, ya’ll. But you can give it a FOOTECTOMY if it doesn’t stop scraping at your door.

bagel is desprit

10 comments to Syllogistically Speaking

  • Linda J

    That photo says…BUSTED!

  • Yeah, that is a guilty face. But also, it is a face that says “but I HAD to because I’m starving”.

  • Brigitte

    I am emaciated, lookit my ribs, I am suffering, woe is meeeee!!!

  • Food me.

    Food me.

    HEY, you foodgiver, FOOD ME ALREADY!

    (I have one of those. She is a good doggle, a very good Hayley Elizabeth Wigglebutt Hoover Dog, but she is allllways on the wrong side of the door. Particularly when it is time for breakfast.)

  • erinanne

    That puppy says “nooobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go make turds! But I would really, really, really like it if you would feed me first? Please?”

    Thanks so much for being so kind yesterday at Dahlonega. I very much enjoyed the conversation!

  • c

    he probably is thinking, “I only had to wait 9 times today…”

  • I was afraid it was another expensive leaf in the eye. Thankfully you did not have to leave your house at that moment. Writing= new books= you buying more food for Bagel.

  • Therese

    Personally, I’d tape paper over the lower half of the window so he couldn’t see in. Or, you know, hang curtains. But that’s more work.

  • Oh! Oh! He looks so forlorn and ear-scratch deficient! Dogs are the best at looking so, so neglected when they are really spoiled fat and rotten.

  • Elizabeth J

    I am most certainly not asking this as a helpful suggestion , but just out of curiosity – do you ever use some sort of vocal recording device to catch the brain spill when you can’t get to a keyboard fast enough?