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Retroactive Spankings Required

sense and sensi I find it VERY hard to post these retro posts with no commentary. Sometimes—say, NOW—I want apologize for my silly self that was, and SWEAR the 10 years later improved version of me is WISER and less of a DORK. It’s probably not true, though.

Look, here is the first real entry to FTK, from March, 2004:

I have converted to the south beach diet in an evangelical wild-eyed rabid fanatical way. I seriously want to print reams of poorly drawn tracts filled with bad grammar and threats of hell aimed at anyone who doesn’t eat exactly like the SBD tells you to eat for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. I want to go door to door and pass these tracts out, preferably taped to the top of big grilled chicken breast salads coated in balsamic vinagrette. I THINK NOT EATING ENOUGH SALMON BROILED IN PESTO SHOULD BE A HANGING OFFENSE.

I was having dizziness probably associated with hypoglycemia probably associated with living on fat-free sugar with sugar sauce with a side of sugarysugarsugar. NOW I AM MIGHTY.

Phase one is a BAD PHASE that causes 200- 250 dollar a week grocery bills YIKES, and also it’s a little too “LOW CARBY” to be terribly healthy I think. I say avoid it like plague. But phase 2 is FINE, it’s WONDERFUL, it is all about whole grains and leans meats and olive oil, it won’t even feel like a diet, and phase three is just — living.

And I FEEL so good. And my body looks great and does what I tell it to do. And my skin is more resilient and luminous AND MY HAIR IS MORE GLOSSY AND VIBRANT. AND ALL I DO ALL DAY LONG IS LIE AROUND EATING SALMON IN PESTO AND HAVING SEX WITH HOTHOTHOT OILED CABANA BOYS WHO PEEL ME GRAPES BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SBD IS ALL ABOUT AND IF YOU DO NOT GO ON SOUTH BEACH RIGHT NOW FOREVER YOUR TEETH WILL FALL OUT AND YOU WILL DIE TOOTHLESS AND WEEPING IN THE STREET WITH NO CABANA BOYS! NO CABANA BOYS EVER. *pantpant*

Yeah, so, guess how long that conversion lasted. A year? Maybe. I want to paddle my past self and be all, like: DUDE, You will never stick to this. I can tell you why in three words. The words are

BECAUSE BREAD EXISTS.

Now I say: The un-bread-eaten life is not worth living.

I still do like Salmon baked in pesto.

Okay, so—you, ten years ago, anything you wish you hadn’t espoused so very vehemently, since you kinda got over it? What did you believe passionately then that kinda makes you go MEH now?

pack_senseandsensibility-201x307
The 2014 What I Read List

In Progress: Sense and Sensibility by Joanna Trolloppe

The Patron Saint of Ugly by Marie Manilla
Help for the Haunted by John Searles
Southern Sin Edited by Lee Gutkind and Beth Ann Fennelly
Heap House by Edward Carey

2014 REREADS

Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen
Invisible Sisters by Jessica Handler
The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton
Stardust by Neil Gaiman (Audio)

9 comments to Retroactive Spankings Required

  • Ten years ago I was deeply immersed in crunchy mom culture: breastfeeding FOREVER! cloth diapers OR BUST! ramen noodles = EVIL! I was homeschooling dutifully and not even able to see how much happier I might be if I weren’t. In May of 2004 I started reading blogs by moms and it was the beginning of The Long Chilling Out. (Is it creepy that I have been reading your blog for almost ten years and this is only my second or third comment? If so, sorry to be creepy. And hello!)

  • I was IN to scrap-booking. . .not with all the geegaws and accoutrements, but putting pictures in albums with simple embellishment. It’s STILL something I WANT to do but have no time for, because much like bread, life exists. It also changed for me as I had to eventually go back to, you know, work 8 years ago. Which caused the lowering of scrapbook activity and the heightened eating of all the bread. . .which translated into a 50 pound weight gain, so maybe I need to go after your SBD sans righteous indignation and Cabana boys.

  • Brigitte

    10 years ago was before I had my late-in-life only child, so . . . pretty much everything I “knew” about parenting.

  • DebR

    I’m impressed that anyone remembers what they were passionate about 10 years ago. I’m not sure I could tell you what I was passionate about 10 DAYS ago. Please! I’ve slept since then!! :p

  • T

    WAIT! So the olive oil on the SBD was for the Cabana Boys??? No wonder I could never figure out how to get that to work for me.

    I have no clue what I was obsessed with 10 years ago – kudos to all of you who did!

  • I quit being passionate about diet plans about, let’s see, my entire life ago? I muddle along, losing a few pounds here, gaining them back…

    But I’ve shocked myself and my husband by going to therapy for a shoulder problem, and actually DOING THE EXERCISES AT HOME. Enough so the physical terrorist noticed. And hurt me even more. So, it’s not working out all that great, but it’s given me hopes that perhaps, after the therapy is done (soon, please, God!), I’ll have the discipline to continue with some form of healthy exercise and maybe even a diet. Maybe.

  • 10 years ago. Ten YEARS ago. Hmm, WoW happened that year. First there was Beta. Then there was Open-Beta. Then there was Release Day. Then there were queue’s for servers. My first toon was a Female Night Elf Holy Priest (although I had no clue at the time how to really min/max a Holy Priest). My next and final toon, which I would play for the next 7 years, was a Female Human Protection Warrior.

    I don’t know that I would spank my past self for playing WoW, but I’m glad I’ve moved onward to other interests.

  • I so met Lee Gutkind and he loved my writing. And I managed not to swoon at his feet when he said so. Also, Jessica Handler was at that conference and she rocked. Her book has been on my To Read list since. Eventually I will get it. I want to take one of Beth Ann’s classes at Ole Miss once my kids are back in school. Or, audit it really. I heard her speak (same conference) and loved her. She was very pregnant and red-haired and wearing green velvet from head to toe. Cue more swooning.

  • I was SO into natural childbirth and everything crunchy related to it. My intensity on the subject blinded me to the fact that
    – I married a very tall man.
    – he weighed 13 lbs plus at birth
    – Mr. Longshanks: “they thought i was twins…”

    3 C-sections later, I do not have time for anything but eye rolling when people go on and ON about the topic, because natural-birth espousers are sort of… naturally-selected, yes? The rest of us die, or would have.