First, from the files of UNfail, SOMEONE ELSE’S LOVE STORY is a USA today bestseller, and I feel really happy and grateful about that. That’s a national list, and I have never had a book hit it before. SO.
Dear everyone who bought the book so far, You are warm and fragrant, buttered with goodness, jammed with sweetness. You are each my beloved artisanal toast point. THANK YOU. Love, Joss
Ya’ll we are going to talk about money. Even though money is SO gross. Literally, gross. According to Time Magazine, half of the bills SITTING IN YOUR POCKET TOUCHING YOU RIGHT NOW have both cocaine and poop on them. BOTH.
Also, the flu virus can live on a dollar bill for SEVENTEEN DAYS. Think about that, all those disgusting little flu viruses lolling about on microscopic bean bag chairs stuffed with offal and getting hopped up on cocaine residue before leaping from the bill to your finger to straight up your left nostril when you go to scratch your nose.
Sort of makes you want to go back to the barter system. It would actually be CLEANER to stick a live chicken in your purse, take it to Starbucks, and trade it for a machiatto.
HEY LOOK, this is me NOT actually talking about money because money-talk gives me the wiggins. OK HERE GOES. You know I had a crap 2013, right? In fact, I recently decided that I am going to be like a grand hotel and not HAVE a 2013. I am skipping right from 2012 to 2014. My elevator does not GO to 2013, so there.
2014 is all about engaging more, blogging, reading good books, seeing my friends, being more connected to my community, saying yes, and doing hella-crazed amounts of yoga. In 2014, I want to do ANYTHING that is the opposite of HUDDLING IN A LIFE-ATTACKED HEAP AND BINGE WATCHING NETFLIX.
I joined a book club, I AM blogging, I am ACTUALLY writing a novel, I am making lunch dates. I am doing tiny things to remember I am human. For example, TODAY I plan to sand my hooves back into human feet shapes and paint my toes with cheery colored lacquers. These are ALL good things. I am engaging! I feel 17% less likely to walk into the sea like a sad, sad lemming! HUZZAH!
While I’m into doing all these noble goodness acts of smart, Scott and I decided to take a money management course. Our financial picture is about to RADICALLY change, as people say my son is a junior in high school, which means in 18 months we begin paying for college.
I am pretty sure this is BS. I am PRETTY sure Sam is two, bushy-headed and booger-nosed, and very, very charming. He LOVES to run through to automated doors at the supermarket yelling “MACDADEE! MACKADEE! OH’PEE SESAPPY!”
Digression: Google’s Toddler to English translator says this means “Magic Door! Magic Door! Open Sesame!” However Babel Fish translates it as “YO, PARENTAL UNITS! TIME TO PONY UP TUITION!”
Now, Scott and I, we are are BIG picture fiscally super responsible. (read: we are uptight tightwads.) I am allergic to debt, and we have never been PAYMENT PLAN people. We either save UP for a trip, or we don’t go on a trip. We save UP for sofa, and then we spend that money on a trip, because we love to go see new places and art and plays and don’t give two craps that our sofa is saggy and a good half of the stuffing may actually be animal dander at this point.
Right now our debt consists of a mortgage. I bought my car in 2008, so it is paid off now, and I will drive The Good Cat until it falls into chunks in the road and I am left standing there holding a steering wheel attached to nothing in a pile of car rubble because I SO resent life when I have a car payment.
So yeah, I am pound wise. But I am SUPER penny foolish. Howe much am I spending monthly on fancy coffees at Dancing Goat? I DO NOT KNOW. This is the point. I need an ALLOWANCE, a Fancy Dancing Goat Coffee-lowance, and once I spend it for the month I can drink Chock Full of Nuts on the cheap AT HOME. What do I spend in a year on clothes for the family? Hair cuts? Cat toys? Eyebrow waxings? Uuuuh….Not… really…sure. Like that.
Out of time! Fail Week continues tomorrow with an Inaugural FRO’BACK FRIDAY post, which I have decided will be posted EVERY WEEKEND as you are right, beloveds, I can’t remember to do a thing on every Friday. But I bet with a 3 day window I can KINDA not screw it up most of the time.
FRO’BACK FRIDAY was going to be the thing where I go back into the 2004 – 2010 FTK archives and fix and repost the blogs that got their formatting wrecked. I need a category name but not anything with Friday because I cannot commit to Friday and not Pink Socks because that implies I will not actually DO IT. And I am going to do it. 2014 is the year of Doing It. (In the background my husband just said, YEAH, IT IS. Honestly, men. Hee!)
HOW ABOUT THIS. YOU name the category. Put your entry in the comments or the shy that know how to find my contact page can email it to me. If I choose your catagory name, I will send you a FUN NICE 3 PART PRIZE. If more than one of you comes up with the name I end up using, I will magical hat your names and draw a winner.
The prize is a SIGNED ARC of SOMEONE ELSE’S LOVE STORY, plus a secret thing I actually bought for myself yesterday on a WHIM because I am penny foolish. It is ORANGE AND HELLA COOL AND USEFUL. Plus I will put in one more thing I will FIND TODAY as I run errands. This could be ANY found object that happens today. Maybe I will see an object in the street. Maybe someone will hand me a religious tract. Maybe I will find a lost happy meal toy from when Sam really did say MACKADEE under the Good Cat’s seats. WHATEVER, I will FIND A THING today and put it in there.