Yesterday my friend Thomas said to me, “I took a bunch of cold medicine, but I feel regular. But bottle has dire warnings on it telling me not to drive and/or operate heavy machinery because the meds will cows drawsiness.
Me: Did you just say “Cows Drawsiness?”
Him: No… Wait. Did I?
Me: Please do not operate any heavy machinery.
ALSO yesterday, I realized it was the second, and that I had resolved (Not in a New Year’s way, just in a general way) that I would begin wearing my Fit Bit again. I got out of the habit on book tour.
DIGRESSION: I didn’t take my Fit Bit with me on tour because I felt I would have limited control over the number of steps I took, and I didn’t want it YELLING at me. MOVE! JOSS! my Fit Bit shrieks, harpy-style, and it doesn’t care if I am sitting on a plane and the captain has not turned off the fasten seat belts lights.
It also sometimes says SMOOCHES, JOSS! When I am doing a good job and I REALLY hate that. I do not want a little gadget that lives on my bra threatening to kiss me. Skeeves me RIGHT out.
I ALSO didn’t take it on tour because I felt I would lose it.
Here is a partial list of things I lost on tour: 1 Phone charger. TWO iPod Chargers. A Mesh Net Bag that Scott’s special Battery thing goes in. A pair of Jeans. Scott’s Winter Gangland-Style Murderer Hat. 5 books (I did not lose these so much as SHED them the second I finished reading them). An entire TRIBE of pens. One expensive athletic shoe.
List of things I did not lose: Any of the free hotel soaps.
WHICH, REALLY? I somehow left A SINGLE REALLY NICE ATHLETIC SHOE sitting in the middle of a hotel floor somewhere, and yet I made sure every single speck-like sliver of free SOAP was in my bag? END DIGRESSION
When I left, it was on my desk, sitting RIGHT by my monitor. The week before I left on tour, I noticed Mango had become enamored of it. He kept trying to steal it for batting around and pretend-murdering purposes.
And so, being a person of foresight and moderate intelligence, I of course MOVED IT to a less cat-accessible location.
BAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! BA HA! HA!!! *wipes tears from eyes*
But seriously, wouldn’t it have been GREAT if I had?
Instead I am a person who is me, which means that I took it away from him multiple times and set it RIGHT BACK WHERE HE FIRST NOTICED IT EXISTED. Then I left it there, utterly unattended, for about 6 weeks.
I imagine it is in pieces or eaten or has been batted way back into a cranny that is deeper than Mango’s arms can go, and I shall never see it any more in this life.
My Fit Bit now sits alternately threatening to kiss me and demanding that I MOVE! JOSS! from its charger, not counting my steps and being useless. Anyone know where I can get a replacement clicketty bra thing?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, why did I not MOVE IT 7 WEEKS AGO?
Posit this, Oh Ye Philosophical Beloveds: Posit there are 2 kinds of people in the world. The kind that MOVES the object once they see the cat WILL take it if it is not moved, and the kind that takes the object AWAY from the cat multiple times without ever thinking to move the object.
Which kind are you? And, more importantly, is it POSSIBLE to swap kinds?
Because it never even occurred to me to NOTICE I was taking it away from the cat. I just took it and put it back. NO thought or connection. My brain was VERY busy doing important things like pretending I had just won that 700 million lotto and setting up a charitable foundation for indigent novelists. Can I BECOME a noticer? CAN YOU? Or are you born one?