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Warning: TACKY. Contains Cat Butts

These candy bars cost five dollars each. THEY. ARE. WORTH. FIVE. DOLLARS.

These candy bars cost five dollars each. THEY. ARE. WORTH. FIVE. DOLLARS.

I am home and sick and worn to a nub from tour. I walked in my door and my immune system crashed from all the breathing in airplane air which is full of plague rat dander and leprosy spores.

BUT LOOK I AM HEROICALLY BLOGGING ANYWAY, WHICH IS AMAZING! You should probably send me Zzang WOWSA and WHAT THE FUDGE bars. *nod nod nod* No, actually, I am checking in with you because you are SO NICE. I know you are so nice, because I am starting to get a lot of little emails from you, oh my best beloveds, frantically and kindly PACKED with amusing cat photos and no questions. How wonderful you are!

SO. I have been RUDELY silent and you have been SWEETLY worried. I need to say to you: I am not dead. No one is dead, and nothing bad is currently happening. Heh.

OH EXCEPT THIS IS MODERATELY BAD AND DEAD: Our microwave. It died a sad, abrupt death, and when the delivery fellow came with the new one, he found the old one had been….creatively installed.

It was hanging in there via duct tape, fairy spittle, and hope. He felt unequal to the task of putting the new one in, and so he abandoned it, still factory boxed, in the middle of my kitchen floor. And there it remains. Even as I write this, Mango is sprawled on its sealed top, luxuriously bathing his personal areas.

The microwave feels less than fulfilled as a cat bidet. It wishes to steam my Trader Joe’s green beans and make SmartPop 100 calorie bag popcorn three times in a row because that is not enough popcorn, ORVILLE. I am just saying.

Scott can’t install it though. He isn’t sure HOW. He says we have to hire a HANDY MAN but I am not sure those still exist? DO THEY EXIST?

By the way? I am SO tired I could not remember the word bidet when I was writing this. All I could think was DUVET. I DO know the difference. If I did not know the difference I bet no one would have ever agreed to be my roommate in college.

I sat here for a good two minutes, creating mucus and saying DUVET? DUVET? Over and over to myself, and then I went to Google and typed in, “what do you wash your butt with in France,” and Google IMMEDIATELY said BIDET and gave me the wiki bidet link.

Google is hideously invasive and scans everything I do to poke better advertising at me and I DO NOT CARE because their product is so good. Want a RETINAL SCAN, Google? Go for it. NEED SOME OF MY BLOOD? That sounds reasonable! Just keep sticking the wiki-bidet link in the TOP Slot when I ask what to wash a cat butt with in France and we are good, you and I.

I have very little “brand” loyalty, but the ones I have are intense and I actually think they are RATIONAL and not tucked into my brain by ad algorhythms.

I like Google. I like Coke. I like Mr Clean Magic Erasers. I like Zzang Candy Bars from Zingermans. But I REALLY think I like them because these things all do what they say they will do better than the other things like them. I think Mr Clean Magic Erasers may ACTUALLY be made out of magic.

What about you? Are you AD IMMUNE like I foolishly think I am? What brands are you loyal to because they are BETTER? Also, more importantly: Are you alive? I hope nothing bad is happening. DO you need a funny cat picture?

17 comments to Warning: TACKY. Contains Cat Butts

  • Love the Magic Erasers! Also microfiber cloths to clean with, although I hate to clean. (I only do it because I hate a dirty house more.) I am very brand loyal but if you asked me what brands I used I’d have to take you to the store and point them out, because I seldom know what bathroom cleaner I like until I see it. And I’m very fussy about toilet paper, never mind why.

    Get better soon!

  • c

    before surgery, i was branded to certain female products, after once buying store brand post baby, and discovered that i didn’t really save a dollar, cuz i paid in pain. i am currently unbranding my diet pop so that i can keep it down to a minimum, so i buy cheap store brands, the less appealing the better. i just can’t seem to quit.

  • I think I am ad-immune because I run ad-blocker and don’t see any of them :)

    But I am brand-loyal … about lipstick … and browsers/apps (hello Google, my darling!) and laptops (I like Apple … how crazy is that since I just wrote I <3 all things Google?) Cell phone loyalty to the handset maker? Oh no … you work – and offer what I want? I <3 you but I'll go Android or Apple … and places I'll eat … Made from scratch? YES! Cook from Sysco … OH H**L NO! … And finally – VERY, VERY brand loyal to my preferred Scotch … Yes to Glenlivet … and "what else do you have?" if you try to offer me Glenfiddich …

    ps: Also brand loyal to Authors … Serve me some Joshilyn Jackson ANYTIME … :)

  • When I’m brand loyal, I have a reason or else a tradition. I loathe most marketing, so I hope I don’t get sucked in too often. Of course, now I can’t think of any particular brand I am loyal to. Possibly only b/c I want to think of one. I AM a big Target fan, though not for the same reasons most are. I worked at a Target in high school, fell in love at a Target, made out in the rain in the parking lot, cried over break-ups in the fitting rooms, wrote angst depressing poetry on the receipt paper at my desk… Target is a sort of home away from home. Does that count as brand loyalty?

  • Karen in Ohio

    Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are actually made of…

    drum roll, please…

    insulation.

    Seriously.

  • LOLOL! See, this morning, as I was burrowed in my bed, I told my husband I was very close to a funky meltdown and was having fantasies of just STAYING IN BED. All day. Of course that never happens, no matter how bad things are. Even if I have the crud (last week) I still put up Christmas decorations. So your post was what I needed this morning. It always is. I am very brand loyal when there is a reason. Carol’s Daughter shampoo and conditioner. Apple products. OPI nail polish (love the names). I’m sorry you are tired…please give yourself a break soon! I convinced my book club to read your newest baby in February :)

  • Robin

    The only real brand loyalty is to Kraft Mac & Cheese. Nothing seems to taste quite like it…and Diet Coke!

  • Brigitte

    The joys of FB let me know you were ALIIIVE!!
    I’m currently too brain-dead to think of brand-loyalties right now, though.

  • Martha

    Tostitos. No other tortilla chip satisfies in the same salty, crispy and delicious way.

    In everything else, I am the Generic Queen.

  • Chris

    While I don’t drink soda I am completely loyal to Coke (being a native Atlanta girl, don’t ya know), thus the awful Pepsi water will not cross my lips, but the completely different Coke water will (ha). We found the one true dog food that keeps our pup’s skin in check without breaking the bank,and Tide ftw for the wash as it seems to be the only one that doesn’t wreck my skin. Otherwise, I’m pretty much oblivious to brands and even though I know ads are running all the time as I wander the web I never seem to see them. I am ad blind.

  • DebR

    I’m a huge fan of the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I’ve said many times that I hope whoever invented that puppy made a fortune. They probably didn’t, it was probably invented in some corporate lab somewhere, but in the hopeful part of my mind I want it to have been invented in someone’s kitchen and that the Someone then sold the rights to it for big bucks to whatever company now makes it and that Someone is currently sipping a mojito on a beach somewhere because of the Magic of the Eraser.

    My other brand-loyalty thing that comes to mind is Blinc mascara. I’m allergic to waterproof cosmetics (mascara, eyeliner, sunscreen, etc) so I can only wear the kind of mascara that normally gives a person raccoon eyes if you even so much as sneeze too hard. Blinc is different. It does NOT stay on through tears and rainstorms like they’d like you to believe it will (believe me, I know!) but when it comes off at inopportune moments, at least it comes off in weird little easily-wiped-away tubes instead of streaking down my face and sticking to my skin and making me look like I just put on eye-black for football practice (or whatever sport thing smears black around their eyes…I don’t DO sports, so I may have that wrong) and in my mind that’s enough of an improvement to keep me buying it.

  • Magic erasers are made of fairy dust and wishes to get the black scuff marks off the floor. Brand loyal to the Coke and Diet Coke, and I have already told my daughter AND son that it is worth the extra for actual Saran (brand) plastic wrap and real, live Windex. Also CheesNips and Cheezit are NOT the same. We love sending you cat pictures and not asking questions!

  • Kim

    Diet Coke and real Chex Mix are the two I think of right now. My husband keeps trying to sneak in the store brand snack mix and it is just wrong! BTW, if you really need a handyman, I can email you the name of the guy all my neighbors recommend.

  • marezy

    Gain detergent, I can’t live without it. It doesn’t break my sensitive skin out like T–e, and it smells bester than any other. Curel lotion, please please please, don’t ever stop making this lotion. JR Liggetts’s shampoo bars. Seriously, I had no idea hair could be so clean and soft and healthy. Diet Coke with Lime, Swiffers! Hey Mister Swiffer, I would love to hug your neck!!! And last but not leastey, Stirrings Dirty Martini Mix. AhDah!

  • Kristin

    Magic Erasers are truly magic–we discovered this as we were getting ready to sell our house in Georgia and I discovered that our sneezy cat had sneezed all sorts of mucus on the baseboards. (Usually one cat or the other would lick it up, so I didn’t scrutinize our baseboards on a weekly basis. Or at all.) I love Diet Dr. Pepper, Swiffer cloths, and Press & Seal wrap, but can’t immediately think of any other brands that I must have. For everything else, I am satisfied with the best quality I can get at a low price. And yes, please supply funny cat pictures and our days will immediately brighten.

  • Elizabeth

    If you are ever close to the Google headquarters and want a tour, my husband (and I) would be delighted to show you around. And feed you free food from their many restaurants…

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Kashi. Especially the cereal. Autumn Wheat. Kashin makes healthy stuff that TASTES GOOD. Most of my brand loyalty is for specific foods, because if it doesn’t taste good then why use up calories eating it? Also love Back To Nature Crackers, SILK soymilk and Milka chocolate. Bath and Body works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint body lotion. LOVE the smell — it is light and earthy enough not to be overpowering — and I swear it keeps the mosquitoes away in the summer. Schuil’s coffee. Here in the midwest we have Meijer grocery stores they are AWESOME. Target doesn’t do very well here b/c the Meijer stores are so good. Their brand magic sponge, and most other food and grocery items are just as good if not better than name brands. When I lived in a city without a Meijer I was miserable.