I am home and sick and worn to a nub from tour. I walked in my door and my immune system crashed from all the breathing in airplane air which is full of plague rat dander and leprosy spores.
BUT LOOK I AM HEROICALLY BLOGGING ANYWAY, WHICH IS AMAZING! You should probably send me Zzang WOWSA and WHAT THE FUDGE bars. *nod nod nod* No, actually, I am checking in with you because you are SO NICE. I know you are so nice, because I am starting to get a lot of little emails from you, oh my best beloveds, frantically and kindly PACKED with amusing cat photos and no questions. How wonderful you are!
SO. I have been RUDELY silent and you have been SWEETLY worried. I need to say to you: I am not dead. No one is dead, and nothing bad is currently happening. Heh.
OH EXCEPT THIS IS MODERATELY BAD AND DEAD: Our microwave. It died a sad, abrupt death, and when the delivery fellow came with the new one, he found the old one had been….creatively installed.
It was hanging in there via duct tape, fairy spittle, and hope. He felt unequal to the task of putting the new one in, and so he abandoned it, still factory boxed, in the middle of my kitchen floor. And there it remains. Even as I write this, Mango is sprawled on its sealed top, luxuriously bathing his personal areas.
The microwave feels less than fulfilled as a cat bidet. It wishes to steam my Trader Joe’s green beans and make SmartPop 100 calorie bag popcorn three times in a row because that is not enough popcorn, ORVILLE. I am just saying.
Scott can’t install it though. He isn’t sure HOW. He says we have to hire a HANDY MAN but I am not sure those still exist? DO THEY EXIST?
By the way? I am SO tired I could not remember the word bidet when I was writing this. All I could think was DUVET. I DO know the difference. If I did not know the difference I bet no one would have ever agreed to be my roommate in college.
I sat here for a good two minutes, creating mucus and saying DUVET? DUVET? Over and over to myself, and then I went to Google and typed in, “what do you wash your butt with in France,” and Google IMMEDIATELY said BIDET and gave me the wiki bidet link.
Google is hideously invasive and scans everything I do to poke better advertising at me and I DO NOT CARE because their product is so good. Want a RETINAL SCAN, Google? Go for it. NEED SOME OF MY BLOOD? That sounds reasonable! Just keep sticking the wiki-bidet link in the TOP Slot when I ask what to wash a cat butt with in France and we are good, you and I.
I have very little “brand” loyalty, but the ones I have are intense and I actually think they are RATIONAL and not tucked into my brain by ad algorhythms.
I like Google. I like Coke. I like Mr Clean Magic Erasers. I like Zzang Candy Bars from Zingermans. But I REALLY think I like them because these things all do what they say they will do better than the other things like them. I think Mr Clean Magic Erasers may ACTUALLY be made out of magic.
What about you? Are you AD IMMUNE like I foolishly think I am? What brands are you loyal to because they are BETTER? Also, more importantly: Are you alive? I hope nothing bad is happening. DO you need a funny cat picture?