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Me Before You

I was home from tour for Thanksgiving – I head back out on the road again TOMORROW for the last leg. If you live in any of these places left on tour, please come on out! ALSO If you WON Virtual Book Tour, please send me a snail addy or whatever I need to get it to you. I have about half the addresses I need. Both prints and half the MoM copies shipped. NO EARRINGS as of yet, and still half the MoM copies are on my dining room table, waiting to knwo where to go.

Here is a snapshot of my break.

I get off a plane and stagger home, smelling like airport. I drift asleep twice while bathing. I have a local event about 2 hours away, and I am fresh off a plane, blind with tired and SUPER punchy. It is storming like WHOA. I am scared I might fall asleep FOR REAL, so I start streaming some cheesy nighttime soapy show about vampires off the internet as I flop on the sofa with my feet in Scott’s lap. We watch silently together, me engrossed, Scott impassive.

Improbably Gorgeous Lady with Heaving Bosoms: But this can never be! For I am betrothed to Jonathan!

Improbably Gorgeous Man who Cannot Act, God Bless Him: Jonathan need never know. This thing between us, it is real!

*She stares with naked longing at Man Who Can’t Act, who stares back, blank as printer paper*

Improbably Gorgeous Lady with Heaving Bosoms: No! No! It is wrong.

Scott, in a perfect, intonation free parody of Improbably Gorgeous Man who Cannot Act: Maybe we could just make out a little. And touch each other in our bathing suit areas.

I laugh and laugh until I fall off the sofa. I am CHOKING and dying of laugh. I can’t BREATHE. Scott stares down at me calmly.

Scott: I’m driving you.

So he drives me. We are in the car, and the storm rages ON, CRAZY driving rain and thunderous thunders. My cell rings. It is my friend Alison. I answer and we start chatting, but then the traffic and raging storm sounds register.

Alison: WAIT! WAIT! Are you DRIVING in this mess and talking on the phone like a crazy person?

Me: Oh, no no. Scott is driving me. I was so punchy and giggley he didn’t want me to operate machinery. He was pretty sure I would miss my turn, accidentally cross into Florida, drive into the ocean, and die.

Alison: That sounds about right. You know, when I try to imagine you before Scott, like, what your life looked like… How did you…not die? I cannot imagine it. Seriously.

Me: I was exactly like a Roomba. I would trundle around in loops until I crashed into a wall, and then I would turn and careen off a different way.

Alison: Sounds about right.

Scott: You were nothing like a Roomba.

Me: Yes, I WAS! I was EXACTLY like a Roomba.

Scott: *sadly, with infinite kindness* Baby. I love you. But Roombas clean things.

Then I laughed so hard we literally had to pull off the highway so I could go to the bathroom.

It’s funny because it’s TRUE.

I am much more rested now, and READY FOR ROUND TWO. Oh yeah. Ready to run out into the country and ask you all… What major household cleaning appliance would YOU be, assuming the appliance did not actually have to clean things? (Okay, I may still be a TINY bit punchy.)

15 comments to Me Before You

  • Brian

    Punchy, eh? We’ll bring you a stress ball when we see you Tuesday.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I would also be a Roomba, but unfortunately I am a cleaning Roomba. I clean. I wish I didn’t.
    On another note, I finished SELS today — BRILLIANCE! I read it in small bites so as to savor it but I am so very sad now that William and Shandi and Walcott and Natty are not going to tell me any more of their story. So many sentences that I read and re-read because they were just the right sentences in so many different ways.

    I will be seeing you Thursday in Lansing. I hope you don’t have bad weather – you never know in Michigan. It could be unseasonably warm or it could be a blizzard. Ann Arbor is on Wednesday, that is where the University of Michigan is located. We lived there for about 5 years when we were first married. I convinced a friend of my son’s to go see you there — she is in her first year of graduate studies in English Lit and hails from the South.

  • Oh, I love Scott, for driving you AND for that amazing response!

  • Brigitte

    Sometimes I feel like the sad, forgotten, grody kitchen sponge . .
    Glad Scott drove so you could LIIIIVE!!

  • Margaret

    “Major Cleaning Device”? A dishwasher. On cold winter nights, it feels warm and steamy. Like a sauna.

  • dramamama

    i got nothing.
    no major cleaning advice that may or may not clean.
    but, ah, if you asked what kind of tree i am, or animal…..i would be a Dogwood. Double points!

  • dramamama

    that would be “device,” not “advice.” although i also have no cleaning advice. except maybe hire a maid!

  • JenniferG

    Finished SELS yesterday in anticipation of seeing you on Tuesday! LOVED IT.

    On Thanksgiving, I made my parents laugh uncontrollably when I caused us to drop the turkey on the floor on the way to the oven. But my engineer father made ME laugh when he said, “You know something interesting? It didn’t bounce.”

    Bless our loved ones for making us laugh so hard just when we need to!

  • Martha

    Washing machine because I am frequently agitated.

  • Linda J

    But Scott…A Roomba DOESN’T create New York Times best selling novels!

  • I’d be a febreeze oiled air freshener thing that you put on your window sill in the bathroom. It SEEMS like the bathroom is clean because it SMELLS clean, but it’s really not clean.

  • c

    i think i’m a dryer… got hot flashes, feel like i’m always going in circles, and no one ever takes the clothes out, so I always feel fat

  • Hilarious. . .seriously. I am hopeful that the last leg of your book tour has gone super duper.

  • Martha

    Didn’t get to see you in Naperville. Boo. I hope you’ll be back with your next book – I’ll wait to buy the book at the bookstore instead of pre-ordering!