1) Truck Splits to Enya would be a great weirdo garage band name. Imagine a kind of peg-jeaned band with throw-back mod hair and a retro-amusing take on synthesizers.
2) I asked you for funny cat videos and no huggings, and OH did you respond. I have seen EPIC cat videos, including one where these two cats FIGHT and 2 pigeons pick a cat team and fight on his side to help WITH NO IRONY. Pigeons do not GET irony. These two pigeons DO get to strike a blow for all bird-kind as they beat the crap out of Losing Cat. Sadly, soon after filming ceased, Winning Cat ate one or both of them. *beam* Because cats may not get Irony, but MAN, do they love that Alannis Morisette song. And also they love eating pigeons.
3) You also sent funny dog videos, misadventures in autofill, links to ALLIE BROSH’s genius blog, and Spock pr0n. When is a good day for Spock pR0n? You ask. But I know this is a trick question! EVERY DAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR SPOCK pR0n! Thank you. You are the best. You are just the very best and that is all.
4) You are the double PLUS best because one of you sent THIS. This is the MOST AMAZING CRAZY THING I have ever seen on the internet. And I have seen MANY, MANY things on the internet. As a thank you gift to you, oh Beloveds, I pass it along. Because *boggle* YOU ARE WELCOME.
5) You know my new mental illness green sustainability unicorn initiative where I am not buying ANY new clothes (barring shoes, underpants, swimsuits, because, ew) for at least a year? And maybe you think this is no big deal because I could just not buy ANY clothes for a year, yes? Except no, because to nutshell the last 5 years—-I got sick, I went to bed for a year, I gained a buncha weight, had a bunch of surgery, and POST the surgery, nothing I did shifted the weight.
SO. 2 years ago I decided my heavier self was just HOW I WAS NOW and accepted it and sang LEARNING TO LOVE MY LARGER BUTT IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL in the shower, etc etc, but as part of that love of self I kept obsessively doing yoga and eating ALL THE FRUIT and—-Eventually. SLowly. Grindingly. Invisibly. At the speed of continental drift—- I dropped two dress sizes.
Of course, as part of my accepting myself phase I got rid of all my old, smaller clothes because “I will never wear those again and that is okay because I am beautiful and valuable.*hug hug hug*”
Of course that is TRUE, my value as a human being is NOT related to my pants size, NO ONE’S IS, but couldn’t I have believed this and STILL boxed up my smaller clothes, JUST IN CASE?
OH AND GUESS WHAT! File under: I never don’t learn NOTHING. Six months ago I boxed up all my old larger clothes and sent THEM to Good Will because “I will never be that size again etc etc” and then The Unspeakable Thing We Do Not Speak Of began and I have gained at LEAST five pounds. Maybe more. OH HA HA! CATS! I BEGIN TO SEE YOUR POINT ABOUT THAT SONG!
Said all that to say: I bought MANY things last night at THE THRIFT SHOP including NEVER WORN SHOES (not NEW TO ME and also CHEAP so allowable under unicorn rules). I am a leeeeetle hinky about thrift shop shoes (because, FUNGUS!), but I know they did not get worn because the ORIGINAL price tag is PRISTINE ON THE SOLE. And I also know they did not get worn because I LOOKED AT THEM WITH MY EYES.
They are these HIDEOUS SPECTATORS, these SHINY GOLD oxfordy shoes with a leopard-y patterny WEB of buff/nude suede over the gold and a GOLD STRIPED TEENY HEEL and they say, INSIDE THEY SAY…
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE
OH YEAH BABY! Did you know this was a thing? It is a THING. Madonna shoes. THEY ARE SO EPIC. And PIMP. Lordy, but I love her. These are the CONE BRA of shoes. These shoes are like if bling and ugly got married and went to live on my feet.
Oh, let me Google! I bet they are online. YES! HERE THEY ARE:
SEE? SEE? They come in PINK and GOLD, too but the thrift store only had these, alas. ANYWAY.
I leave on TOUR on TUESDAY. I will be wearing an ALSO THRIFTED crazy brown and black drab MOVIE-STEREOTYPE librarian outfit to the launch. The kind of outfit that is exactly like the ones worn by no real librarian ever, but that you always see in bad TV shows.
You would see me channeling a fake TV librarian in it, all dour and plain in glasses with extra frumpiness and a pinchy-mouth face. THEN! She whips the glasses off and…nope. Never mind. It is still a godawful outfit of terrible drabosity.
Except in my case I am going to DIAL IT UP TO LEVEL AMAZING with GOLD PIMP MADONNA SPECTATORS!
YES! Me and my Truth or Dare shoes are coming to 16 cities…SO go look and come if you can come see my terrifying shoes in person? The tour schedule is HERE.
If you can’t make it, there are still four days to get in on the Virtual Book Tour.
EDIT: PLEASE SETTLE AN ARGUMENT: Is “I never don’t learn NOTHING” a clever triple negative that means “I do not ever learn” as I say, or just “a grammatically meaningless poo-pile of word horror” as one of my dearest friends just texted me? Or…is it…BOTH?