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Truck Splits to Enya

1) Truck Splits to Enya would be a great weirdo garage band name. Imagine a kind of peg-jeaned band with throw-back mod hair and a retro-amusing take on synthesizers.

2) I asked you for funny cat videos and no huggings, and OH did you respond. I have seen EPIC cat videos, including one where these two cats FIGHT and 2 pigeons pick a cat team and fight on his side to help WITH NO IRONY. Pigeons do not GET irony. These two pigeons DO get to strike a blow for all bird-kind as they beat the crap out of Losing Cat. Sadly, soon after filming ceased, Winning Cat ate one or both of them. *beam* Because cats may not get Irony, but MAN, do they love that Alannis Morisette song. And also they love eating pigeons.

3) You also sent funny dog videos, misadventures in autofill, links to ALLIE BROSH’s genius blog, and Spock pr0n. When is a good day for Spock pR0n? You ask. But I know this is a trick question! EVERY DAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR SPOCK pR0n! Thank you. You are the best. You are just the very best and that is all.

4) You are the double PLUS best because one of you sent THIS. This is the MOST AMAZING CRAZY THING I have ever seen on the internet. And I have seen MANY, MANY things on the internet. As a thank you gift to you, oh Beloveds, I pass it along. Because *boggle* YOU ARE WELCOME.

5) You know my new mental illness green sustainability unicorn initiative where I am not buying ANY new clothes (barring shoes, underpants, swimsuits, because, ew) for at least a year? And maybe you think this is no big deal because I could just not buy ANY clothes for a year, yes? Except no, because to nutshell the last 5 years—-I got sick, I went to bed for a year, I gained a buncha weight, had a bunch of surgery, and POST the surgery, nothing I did shifted the weight.

SO. 2 years ago I decided my heavier self was just HOW I WAS NOW and accepted it and sang LEARNING TO LOVE MY LARGER BUTT IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL in the shower, etc etc, but as part of that love of self I kept obsessively doing yoga and eating ALL THE FRUIT and—-Eventually. SLowly. Grindingly. Invisibly. At the speed of continental drift—- I dropped two dress sizes.

Of course, as part of my accepting myself phase I got rid of all my old, smaller clothes because “I will never wear those again and that is okay because I am beautiful and valuable.*hug hug hug*”

Of course that is TRUE, my value as a human being is NOT related to my pants size, NO ONE’S IS, but couldn’t I have believed this and STILL boxed up my smaller clothes, JUST IN CASE?

OH AND GUESS WHAT! File under: I never don’t learn NOTHING. Six months ago I boxed up all my old larger clothes and sent THEM to Good Will because “I will never be that size again etc etc” and then The Unspeakable Thing We Do Not Speak Of began and I have gained at LEAST five pounds. Maybe more. OH HA HA! CATS! I BEGIN TO SEE YOUR POINT ABOUT THAT SONG!

Said all that to say: I bought MANY things last night at THE THRIFT SHOP including NEVER WORN SHOES (not NEW TO ME and also CHEAP so allowable under unicorn rules). I am a leeeeetle hinky about thrift shop shoes (because, FUNGUS!), but I know they did not get worn because the ORIGINAL price tag is PRISTINE ON THE SOLE. And I also know they did not get worn because I LOOKED AT THEM WITH MY EYES.

They are these HIDEOUS SPECTATORS, these SHINY GOLD oxfordy shoes with a leopard-y patterny WEB of buff/nude suede over the gold and a GOLD STRIPED TEENY HEEL and they say, INSIDE THEY SAY…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…


OH YEAH BABY! Did you know this was a thing? It is a THING. Madonna shoes. THEY ARE SO EPIC. And PIMP. Lordy, but I love her. These are the CONE BRA of shoes. These shoes are like if bling and ugly got married and went to live on my feet.

Oh, let me Google! I bet they are online. YES! HERE THEY ARE:

SEE? SEE? They come in PINK and GOLD, too but the thrift store only had these, alas. ANYWAY.

SomeoneElses BLOG SIZE I leave on TOUR on TUESDAY. I will be wearing an ALSO THRIFTED crazy brown and black drab MOVIE-STEREOTYPE librarian outfit to the launch. The kind of outfit that is exactly like the ones worn by no real librarian ever, but that you always see in bad TV shows.

You would see me channeling a fake TV librarian in it, all dour and plain in glasses with extra frumpiness and a pinchy-mouth face. THEN! She whips the glasses off and…nope. Never mind. It is still a godawful outfit of terrible drabosity.


YES! Me and my Truth or Dare shoes are coming to 16 cities…SO go look and come if you can come see my terrifying shoes in person? The tour schedule is HERE.

If you can’t make it, there are still four days to get in on the Virtual Book Tour.

(The VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR is explained here if you do not know what that isโ€”Plus you can see all the FUN PRIZE DRAWING LOOTS for participants!)

EDIT: PLEASE SETTLE AN ARGUMENT: Is “I never donโ€™t learn NOTHING” a clever triple negative that means “I do not ever learn” as I say, or just “a grammatically meaningless poo-pile of word horror” as one of my dearest friends just texted me? Or…is it…BOTH?

19 comments to Truck Splits to Enya

  • JenniferG

    Wow, Truck Splits to Enya AND Gold Madonna Pimp Shoes first thing in the morning? TOO MUCH! When you wear those shoes will you be doing that nifty turn like the model in the video?

    So looking forward to seeing you in Chicagoland next month, where we will talk about how very pretty your hair looks in your latest author photo. I loved My Own Miraculous and the first chapter of SELS. GAH! Can’t wait for my VBT copy to arrive!

  • Linda J

    *boggle* *boggle* *boggle*

  • Martha

    Um, there is a reason those shoes have never been worn. Just sayin’.

  • Brigitte

    If I picture a young hood from the streets saying it, then yes, it means: I do not ever learn.

  • DebR

    Triple negative.
    Yay for pimp shoes!
    The video was impressive, but would have been more so if Mr. Van Damme would have fallen through an open window into a truck driver’s lap just before the trucks pulled too far apart for him to sustain the splits, a la “Footloose” (the wonderfully cheesy original, not the pointless remake).
    Someone I know from online used to drive a minivan she named Jean Claude the Damn Van. I thought that was brilliant. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • kathy

    Jean Claude the Damn Van! *snort* ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Corey

    I *SO* thought those pimp shoes were going to moon walk.

  • Tanya Brown

    Well, I WAS gonna come to one of your signings because I can’t wait for the new book and I LOVED the baby book, but NOW? I’m only coming to see the shoes. Sorry. The lady with her head down in line who refuses to look up? That’ll be me. See ya there.

  • Poo-pile of word horror (I can honestly say I did not get up this morning thinking I would ever type those words in that order, much less view them as the exact perfect description of something).

    Why is it those videos never ever show how the person gets *out* of the thing? Now I’m picturing Jean-Claude forever doomed to balance between two trucks, ever driving at a set distance apart on endless white lines. And what happens if one truck runs out of gas before the other?

  • Mr. Husband

    It is worth pointing out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is 53 years old. 53!

    I haven’t been able to do a between trucks split reversing into the sunset to Enya since I was 38.

  • OH! I have done that, with the accepting my giant butt out of self-love and donating all my skinny clothes and being happy with who I am … until I went bra shopping, and something broke in me, and I worked VERY hard and lost 20 pounds and had no clothes. But fortunately I kept all my big clothes, because I still was beating myself up over donating the little ones. Yeesh.

  • Leslie M.

    Ha ha! I love Jean Claude Van Damme! And as a real librarian, I can definitively say that we wear way cooler clothes than the stereotypes. I’m sure you will look beautiful in any case. I can’t wait to see the shoes in person!

  • Haha, thank you! I’ve been seeing this truck split around the net today, and I’m just glad someone had the courage to finally address the issue head on. And yes, a wonderful band name indeed.

  • Stamp my specialness card, Cletus Van Damme! Stamp it now!

  • Mental illness much? ๐Ÿ™‚

    I think it is awesome that Mr. Van Damme can do that, however I had a hard time getting past whatever he did to his face. He was talking about a sculpted body, but I’m wondering about his muzzle there.

    Those shoes are very shiny.

    The question: I had a real, live actual person ask me this week the day after it was 11/12/13 when it would be 13/13/13. I teach 8th graders. So. To your question at the end I say, “Sit down, and do your work.”

    It is Friday. I am SO glad. BOOK COMING SO, SO, SO SOON,!!!

  • Jennifer


  • Jessica (the celt)

    Oh my. I don’t trust anyone in my life enough to do anything like that, even if I could do something like that. I don’t care if the steering system is amazeballs, because it all boils down to the fact that there is a human being driving that thing.

    My work IT guy sent this to me, and I will be forever grateful to him for it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPkByAkAdZs (Spock vs. Spock, AKA New Spock vs. Old Spock).

    Also, pick up Allie’s book. Yeah, a lot of the entries are on her blog anyway, but what’s better than holding a book and falling over laughing your entire [beep], [beep], and [beep] off? Even the ones I’d already read on her blog made me double-over, except the ones that made me tear up. And there’s no middle ground with her either: no matter what, you end up in tears — either from laughing so hard or from understanding so well.

    The negatives rule is this: After more than two negatives, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a single negative re-emphasized over and over again. Two negatives negate the negation, but three or more overload the brain and make a person only see or count one. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    LOVE the shoes. Those are I-don’t-care-what-the-rest-of-my-clothes-say-I-am-having-FUN!

    I noticed in the last comments that many people are “signed up” for dinner with you in Ann Arbor, MI — is that something that is only going on at the Ann Arbor signing?

    Also, only TWO MORE DAYS until SELS releases. I pre-ordered from my Indie so I will be able to go right to the store and pick it up. *happy dance*
    Best happy dance EVER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-5w_ISkn1M