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Death by France-y Pants

The Virtual Book Tour is still happening, all the way up to the evening of November 19th.

Remember my France-y pants? These are magic writing fantasy pants I found dumpster diving in Avignon? They are PINK and TERRIBLY UGLY and flop-tastic and you could fit in them with me and we wouldn’t even have to TOUCH, this is how huge and free-floatingly awesome they are.

When it is time to write, I put them on and start playing Regina Spektor—

OH WAIT! I forgot to tell you. I LIKE A MUSICIAN. This is newsworthy.

Best Beloveds know that I like a lot of individual songs based on whims or a strong backbeat or because it plays during a funny video with monkeys, but I don’t really like music all that much.

I am a word person, so I like MANY songs based almost purely on lyrics. Liking one song doesn’t mean I will like anything else by the same musician, as my like for the song has VERY little to do with how the song actually sounds.

Sometimes, if the lyrics SEEM to be saying a thing I like, I like the song, only to find out I am not a good Pay-er Attention-er to Songs-er.

Example: For MONTHS I went around warbling “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, going HEY-OH! Galileo!” I was like, wow, how cool, a farty little pop song that digs my favorite astronomer. Woo!

*long level stare*

Hey guess what? That song is not about Galileo. I *think* it may be about dance floor humping.

That said, I very much need to have songs ON. Sure, I barely notice when they ARE on, but LORD, do I notice the ticking silence when they stop. I like ambient noise—I like to write in coffee shops, where the hum of chatter does the same job as songs.

The only MUSICIANS I have ever liked—REALLY liked, as in, I LIKE HOW ALL THE SONGS BY THESE PEOPLE SOUND—- are Amy Ray and Emily Saliers, AKA Indigo Girls.

Ever heard WORLD FALLS? This song just destroys me with happy:

I used to go watch them play in Decatur and Little 5 Points back when they were a local Atlanta Bar Band. People I knew were all, “Wait, what? You are going to see a…BAND? Are they going to play SONGS? Because you do not LIKE songs.” And I would say, “I like THEIR songs.”

So now I have a new one. Regina Spektor. I like the Indigo Girls and Regina Spektor, and there ends my list of favorite musicians. Here is one of my favorites by RS, AND I want the black and white shoes she is wearing in the opening shot VERY badly.:

SO! When it is time to write, I put on my new France-tasy pants and Regina Spektor, and off I go, clicky-clacking at my keys. The pants are TRULY magic. I really CAN write better and more and faster and stronger in them.

So this is why it is so desperately unfortunate that they are trying to kill me.

THREE TIMES NOW in the past two days, one floppy leg hole has wrapped itself around my equal and opposing foot, and I have found myself suddenly airborne and COMPLETELY horizontal. I got for coffee or the bathroom and BOOM, I am lying belly down on a bed made of nothing but air molecules.

Since gravity exists, and since I am not a thin latex shell pumped full of helium, you can guess what happens next in the story. It involves plummeting. And a lot of bruises.

And yet I have them on RIGHT NOW. Yes, again. Yes, three days in a row. I AM WRITING, what care I for the laws of decency and hygiene? Not a fig.

Things I also do not care a fig for: personal safety.

What would YOU do? Die proudly in the pants with a completed draft? Or give up a sure-fire magic writing combination in the hopes of not knocking your teeth out?

27 comments to Death by France-y Pants

  • cakeburnette

    Selfishly, I vote for keeping the pants on. You know, so you write more. So I can read more. I’m so sorry….sort of.

  • The pants win. We suffer for our art. Death comes early to artists, which only makes their art more valuable. So I suggest a helmet and the France-tasy pants.

    Are you familiar with http://coffitivity.com/? Great background noise, but I tend to spend my time on Pandora, with my custom coffeehouse music with no discernible words but lots of chords full of feels. Iron and Wine is exceptional writing music. But Coffitivity works when I have used up all my free hours on Pandora.

  • I would stuff them in my comfy socks and continue writing.

  • Rompompom

    I’d say keep wearing the pants but tread carefully. I had a pair of outsize men’s pyjama bottoms that were my equivalent of your France-y pants. They were stripy and had buttons and were a pure soft cotton I have never since encountered. The leg-hole thing happened to me a lot too, as did stamping on the bottom of one leg with my other foot, taking a big step and either (a) falling over or (b) pulling the things down around my knees. I developed a sort of shuffling-shambling gait when I was wearing them, but they were totally worth it. I had a terrible sad when they finally wore out. Nothing beats comfort pants!


    Points, please? I’d like fifty points to Ravenclaw for this. I think that is fair.

  • Gail

    I so get the music thing. I generally don’t like music. I don’t like having it on in the background all the time like most people I know. But lately I wanted something to listen to while working on things that only require half my brain, and BBC Radio 4 turned out to require more than the remaining half of my brain. So when I saw iTunes radio, I decided to try it out. I think I confused it, because I could only remember two songs that I actually like, and then it didn’t know where to go from there. And like you, just because I like one song by a specific musician or in a specific genre, it doesn’t mean I will like others in the same category. So I have about five songs in the “play more like this” section and like twenty in the “don’t play this ever again” category, and I think before long, iTunes radio is going to give up and say, “I don’t know what you WANT, woman!!!”

  • Jennifer Kepesh

    I would find a friend with sewing skills and get her (or him, no judging) to put elastic around the ankles.
    Or, I would put on bicycle clips. Which would add a lot of interest to the pants.
    Or, I would tuck them into my socks, and imagine olde-tyme baseball greatness.

  • JenniferG

    Take them to your local dry cleaners and have them hemmed so they are just off the floor when you are in bare feet. They will still be loose and billowy, but less death-y.

  • DebR

    I’m with JenniferG on this one, although if you don’t want to give them up long enough to have them hemmed and you aren’t leaving the house him them, you could always just turn them up a couple of inches and use safety pins or iron-on tape to “hem” them.

  • Tanya

    Elastics. Take two hair elastics and make a pant pony tail down by the ankle, 1 each side. Not too tight of a pony tail where you feel like your eyebrows have merged with your hairline, but a soft, Sunday brunch at home ponytail.
    I might also suggest that you have drawstrings put into the hemline so you could tie them off, but I have rules about spending money on dumpster pants.

    Or Nerf your floors.

  • Holly Gault

    Ankle garters.

  • Karen

    I’m thinking a pair of Uggs that you can stuff your trippy hem billows into would complete the outfit. You’re allowed to buy shoes per your no-new-clothes pact, aren’t you? Or, and I like this idea much more than I should, a carpet of mattresses that can catch you when you sprawl.

  • Keep the pants and get out your scissors. Time’s a wasting, and there is no room for hemming.

  • Teeth are overrated anyway. Anything that helps with a first draft has got to be worth the odd bruise.

  • Aparatchick

    Hey, teeth can be replaced. Well, sort of.

    I say pants are a reason to buy boots.

  • Frances in England

    Bicycle clips. You guys have those in the States, right?

    Or stuff ’em in your socks (winter = more insulation).

    Or, like Sandy said: scissors (probably best not while actually wearing the pants, cos if you’re like me you’ll end up with one hotpant-leg and one capri, and/or have a horror-movie dealie involving said scissors and the bed of air molecules)

  • Judy In Michigan Now

    Definitely continue to wear the magic pants…and perhaps add a mouth guard, if you find that writing persists in being a contact sport. 😉

  • Melissa

    You must market a line of these pants to aspiring writers. I’d like three pairs, thank you. (you give me flashbacks of storming junkman’s daughter in the late 80’s)

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Indigo Girls “Love Will Come To You” – that is MY never-get-sick-of-it song. LOVE that song. I have all of Regina Spektor’s music b/c my son saw her in concert and fell in love with her music (and maybe a little bit with her too), and then he gave me all of her music so that I could love it too. He is a college senior, majoring in linguistics and is headed on for his PhD. so you both have that crazy smart thing in common.

  • Jennifer in NC

    So timely – my Punjammies (fair trade pajama bottoms from India) arrived in the mail today. They are classy enough that I’ve actually worn a pair out in public. I won’t include a link because I don’t mean to spam, but the name googles well. But I do want to join in with the voices and say: comfy pajama bottoms rock!

  • dramamama

    love the song “all the rowboats….” Awesome story there….

  • Brigitte

    I’ve worn skirts that long. I ended up developing a habit of clutching a fistful of skirt every time I actually wanted to walk anywhere, especially stairs. But you’d have to use TWO hands on the fantasy pants, so perhaps the mouth-guard investment is best. 😉

  • I vote for keeping the France-y pants and just tucking them into your socks. That’s what I would do, but I’m a huge dork so it may not work for everyone. 🙂

  • Margaret

    Bring them with you next month and I’ll hem them for you.

  • I would hem the pants. But I am tardy for the party, so you already have that suggestion suggested. I am ALL IN FAVOR of the pants even if you break your leg. . .just don’t break your fingers or your arm on which your fingers are attached because, SHOO-DOG-IT (!!!) I clicked on and bought My Own Miraculous yesterday while my 8th graders were taking their ReadiStep Pre-PSAT, and I READ it in one gulp like one eats miniature chocolates, and I was NOT satisfied. . .no ma’am. I ran on through chapter one of SELS, and I am STILL starving. More. More. More. What a GREAT job. I want to write my favorite line so far, but I fear it will make work for Scott having to delete it from the bloggy doodle, so I’ll e-mail you. Oh. My. Goodness!!! GREAT!

  • Jill W.

    Take a trip in the time machine to the 80’s and tuck-roll the bottom of those bad boys…

    I adore the Indigo Girls. “What made me think I could start clean-slated? The hardest to learn was the least complicated.” Preach on, sisters!

  • LaurieB

    keep the pants, use bicycle clips You’re living in Decatur now, it’s a required fashion accessory, heh.