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We have had a very wet summer here in Georgia. Umbrellas have proliferated in my house, de-humidifiers the size of VW Beetles are all over my church, and a weird flesh-leafed bog plant is popping up all amongst my fescue. I seriously think it may be lily pads. My lawn is full of LILY PADS.

So I got a lawn service to come in.

They have put up a sign that baffles me. What does this mean? Because to me, this sign says BE AWARE, GANGS OF DIAPER CLAD BABIES ARE KICKING A TURTLE TO DEATH.

Am I to run and find them and STOP the murder of this turtle? Should I call the babies’ mothers? Is this the lawful execution of a BAD lawn ruining turtle? Are turtles, in fact, a kind of weed? Did the turtle come because my lawn is so lily pad infested he thought it was a pond? Am I to declare myself to be Biblical Egypt and brace myself for plague 2, The Rain of Frogs? If yes, do lawn protection babies handle frog problems, or are they strictly a diaper clad anti-turtle mafia?

WHAT DOES THIS SIGN REALLY MEAN? What does that turtle actually represent?

As you know the tour is up. If I am not coming near you, there ARE things you can do to get me (or any author you love) to come to your town. If the bookstores (or libraries, or schools) know local people want authors to come and will show up at the event and buy the books, they will campaign with the author’s publishing house to get the author there. It starts with you guys.

But, if I AM coming to your town, PLEASE go to your calendar and save the date NOW—-you know how calendars get eaten up. If you go ahead and get it ON your calendar, then when Fussy McOfficious calls to try to make you sit in a four hour committee meeting where people you don’t like will cut each other to flinders over issues you don’t care about, you will be able to say, OH MAN, FUSSY, I WOULD SO SUPER LOVE THAT BUT ALAS! I HAVE A THING.

If I am NOT coming to a town near you? Well. Now you know. And you can take steps to get the signed, personalized copy of SELS you need to be happy and fulfilled as human being. Not just YOU: this is a PERFECT gift for your favorite teachers, your favorite parents, your favorite friend, your most delightful sibling, and maybe even for that difficult sibling who opened the pasta maker you got her for Christmas last year and said, OH THANKS TOO BAD I AM OFF CARBS STARTING IN JANUARY AS I ALREADY TOLD YOU FIVE TIMES BUT WHATEVER.

Don’t know what I am talking about? The Virtual Booktour is explained HERE. If you can’t make it to an actual tour date, this is the best way to support my career; this is how you can make an absolute concrete visible known difference in what happens to this book and all the books I want to write in the future. This matters. (And you are supporting a spectacular indie bookstore at the same time.)
AND there will be prizes. I will show you two of them next week. The third one I am still working on—I hope it comes through.

Meanwhile, if anyone speaks sign, could you PLEASE explain the turtle?

17 comments to Murdle-Turtle

  • ramsr

    Well, the boring take would be “Yea, we may be Weed Pro, but while we’re at it we’re going to warn drivers (who shouldn’t be reading this) to watch out for others, like joggers and turtles, on the road.”

    But I love your church putting in huge humidifiers in a wet summer. If you can fight fire with fire, why not water with water?

  • Because I cannot help myself, here’s the sign explanation:
    The body of the turtle isn’t part of the original sign. Near as I can tell, it’s the stake holding the sign. Without the body of the turtle, it’s two children playing with a ball. Boring, I know.

  • Rams I like your explanation, except the joggers are kicking the crap out of that poor animal and OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sandi that makes a terrible sense. But…shouldn’t someone like a sign designer have noticed that their sign is basically raising turtle abuse awareness and NOT made the post look like a turtle body?

    ALso, neither fo you have any theory about WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS? I have a new theory. The sign means this:

    BE AWARE that people who engage in adult diaper play are often reptile abusers. HIDE YOUR LIZARDS.

  • JenniferG

    Lucky you, you get a turtle safety/adults with diapers safety sign from your lawn service. Our lawn service sign usually just says something like “don’t walk on the lawn, we put poison there.”

    P.S. I put your Naperville visit on my calendar (take THAT Fussy McOfficious) AND already ordered a copy from the Virtual Booktour. YAY!

  • I’m still thinking drivers don’t want to run over kids or turtles. And possibly not senior citizens. Oh, I needed that laugh this morning.

  • rams

    “Hide your lizards” is the new “That’s what the fox says.”

  • Elizabeth

    Turtle is crawling baby?

  • jeanette in peculiar

    What I am confused about is why they think people will be driving in your yard? Maybe your grass is going to look so damn good that people will be driving right up on it to admire the weed-free-ness?

    I also see the subliminal message that kids are so lazy these days that they think keeping up with a turtle counts as exercise.

    What I do NOT see is diapers. Maybe you have a sub-conscious fear of seeing diaper clad children in your yard? That is a very natural response to being the parent of a teen-ager.

  • Thanks for the laugh! You know this TURTLE-farmer’s wife had no choice, but to stop and read about the turtle sign! I have no idea of the meaning, but I had better not see any diaper-wearing, ninja, turtle-murdering babies around the turtle farm! :o)

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    YES!! You are coming to Lansing, MI. I didn’t even look at the tour at first because you don’t usually come anywhere near West Michigan, but Lansing is only an hour from Grand Rapids. *Happy Dance*

  • Martha

    I interpret the sign thusly:

    “Hi! We’ve put poison chemicals on this lawn! But we really care about kids! So don’t hit them with your car while they are playing soccer with a turtle! Thanks!”

    Love, your lawn car service.

  • You make me laugh! I need laughs, they are good in the land of teenagers. The big debate in my head right now is…do I read your book which I have on my bedside table? Or wait for the audio? I always have this battle inside my head every time one of your books comes out. Your audios are better than all others combined.

  • Sandy speaks God’s honest truth (as opposed to honest lies, I guess). The sign is confusing and I have nothing really to add to that conversation.

    BUT! I did order four (4) SELS books from the virtual tour, for Christmas presents and for moi. But NOW you are coming to Raleigh, and so I’m thinking I will send the book I’m having you sign to me in the virtual tour to one of my friends (an extra present!). THEN! I will purchase a copy from Quail Ridge Books (which I LOVE) and support them and have you sign it in person, which, let’s face it, is about the most awesome thing on the planet. Also? I’m inviting all the moms from my Friday homeschool group to your speak and sign. It should be a blast!

  • Jessica (the celt)

    I’m kind of sad that Sandi figured it out, because I think it’s adult men in underwear (not diapers, just tighty whities with the crotch outlined) kicking poor, maligned turtles who never did anything to anyone.

    All that said, however, I think it’s a warning that they sprayed your boggy yard with something that will cause turtles to become very stupid if they happen to mistake your yard for a pond instead of a yard — so stupid, in fact, that they forget that they can pull their freaking heads IN and not have them be kicked around like a kickball. Yes, a stupid turtle kickball being pummeled by men dancing around in tighty whities. Your yard is about to become the next big thing in sports entertainment, Joss! Are you prepared?

  • Jessie

    You’re coming to my town! I’m super excited, and you have been placed on my calendar with high importance. Can’t wait!

  • Jo

    See the TURTLE! of enormous girth.
    On his shell he holds the earth.
    On his back all prayers are made.
    He knows the truth, but mayn’t aid.
    His thoughts are slow, but always kind.
    He holds us all within his mind.
    He loves the land, and loves the sea,
    And even loves a child, like me.

  • […] she posts the most hilarious bits on her blog, Faster than Kudzu. This morning, I read about Murdle-Turtle and I have to agree with her. That sign makes no sense. I’m grateful for the odd sign though. […]