We have had a very wet summer here in Georgia. Umbrellas have proliferated in my house, de-humidifiers the size of VW Beetles are all over my church, and a weird flesh-leafed bog plant is popping up all amongst my fescue. I seriously think it may be lily pads. My lawn is full of LILY PADS.
So I got a lawn service to come in.
They have put up a sign that baffles me. What does this mean? Because to me, this sign says BE AWARE, GANGS OF DIAPER CLAD BABIES ARE KICKING A TURTLE TO DEATH.
Am I to run and find them and STOP the murder of this turtle? Should I call the babies’ mothers? Is this the lawful execution of a BAD lawn ruining turtle? Are turtles, in fact, a kind of weed? Did the turtle come because my lawn is so lily pad infested he thought it was a pond? Am I to declare myself to be Biblical Egypt and brace myself for plague 2, The Rain of Frogs? If yes, do lawn protection babies handle frog problems, or are they strictly a diaper clad anti-turtle mafia?
WHAT DOES THIS SIGN REALLY MEAN? What does that turtle actually represent?
As you know the tour is up. If I am not coming near you, there ARE things you can do to get me (or any author you love) to come to your town. If the bookstores (or libraries, or schools) know local people want authors to come and will show up at the event and buy the books, they will campaign with the author’s publishing house to get the author there. It starts with you guys.
But, if I AM coming to your town, PLEASE go to your calendar and save the date NOW—-you know how calendars get eaten up. If you go ahead and get it ON your calendar, then when Fussy McOfficious calls to try to make you sit in a four hour committee meeting where people you don’t like will cut each other to flinders over issues you don’t care about, you will be able to say, OH MAN, FUSSY, I WOULD SO SUPER LOVE THAT BUT ALAS! I HAVE A THING.
If I am NOT coming to a town near you? Well. Now you know. And you can take steps to get the signed, personalized copy of SELS you need to be happy and fulfilled as human being. Not just YOU: this is a PERFECT gift for your favorite teachers, your favorite parents, your favorite friend, your most delightful sibling, and maybe even for that difficult sibling who opened the pasta maker you got her for Christmas last year and said, OH THANKS TOO BAD I AM OFF CARBS STARTING IN JANUARY AS I ALREADY TOLD YOU FIVE TIMES BUT WHATEVER.
Don’t know what I am talking about? The Virtual Booktour is explained HERE. If you can’t make it to an actual tour date, this is the best way to support my career; this is how you can make an absolute concrete visible known difference in what happens to this book and all the books I want to write in the future. This matters. (And you are supporting a spectacular indie bookstore at the same time.)
AND there will be prizes. I will show you two of them next week. The third one I am still working on—I hope it comes through.
Meanwhile, if anyone speaks sign, could you PLEASE explain the turtle?