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In Which I Unrepentantly Slaughter Thousands

Well, not personally. But I stood by and watched.

The Murderous Hornet Man came, he saw, he murdered hornets. Look, in this picture, all those hornet are dead, dead, dead. He was very excited about his hornet-murdering product. It was a DUST. It had freeze-y properties. Or something. I was not excited about the dust.

I WAS very excited when I imagined a man in a bee suit thrashing around in my azaleas. I wanted him to wear a Bee Suit. To protect him, OF COURSE. But a little bit of me wanted him to don a bee suit so as to be able to facebook a picture of a man in a bee suit thrashing about in my azaleas.

Me: So you put on a bee suit and you kinda sneak up and put the stuff up in the wasp hole?

Him: Yes it is a DUST. It FREEZES them. You will see tons clustered around the hole, but they will all be dead.

Me: But first you put on a bee suit?

Him: No.

Me: Oh. Really? Because you should definitely put on a bee suit. You could die. Hornets are very aggressive and terrible and they all want to kill you.

Him: Hornets smell anxiety sweat, and they attack if you make sudden moves. I won’t be anxious or move quickly. I will sidle up calmly and kill them.

Me: In your bee suit.

Him: No.

Me. Please wear a bee suit?

Him: No.

It was heartbreaking. For the hornets, because they were all slaughtered. And for ME, because I did not get a picture of a guy in a bee suit in my yard. It was not heartbreaking for him, because he got to use the dust he likes, and he did not even get stung once.

Tomorrow, I go out with a hack saw, and I CUT THE BRANCHES of the azalea and lift the nest down. I shall have a very fine hornet’s nest the size of a BASKETBALL all my own, and it will be chock full of dead hornets and dying larvae. It will smell very beautiful, I am sure.

I plan to hang it in the shed until it finishes smelling, and then LEAVE it in the shed some more, until we get a good freeze to make sure ALL the larva are dead, then spray it with varnish.
I am going to donate it to my son’s school because Educational Wasp-Genocide is more forgivable than the plain kind.

In my dreams last night, I went to cut the nest down and a zillion hornets boiled out and murdered me. Four times this happened. It was not a good night for sleeping. It was a good night for being subconsciously sure that hornets are actually a tiny stingy species of POSSUM, capable of faking death and the popping out and murdering me back.

(You might think the possum-hornet parallel ends at the hornets playing dead, but no. Possums can also pop out and murder you. I am SURE. LOOK AT THEM. *shudder*)

Or maybe I just feel guilty because of the people who asked how I would like it if some huge monster destroyed MY home.

Then tonight, walking to yoga, LOOK what I saw on my street…I bet hornets were driving that yellow-jacket colored excavator. I’m scared our house is next.

14 comments to In Which I Unrepentantly Slaughter Thousands

  • Lori B.

    I just jumped a foot when that possum came out of that trash can. I’m fairly certain I pulled some muscles in my stomach when I did it, too. As for feeling guilty about murdering hornets, you would feel much guiltier if they killed your husband. This is totally a self-defense case!

  • Tracey

    I grew up in Michigan where every year we get a nice hard frost sometime in October and all things with stingers DIE. Then, I fell in love with a southerner and moved to Virginia. I lived 40+ years without ever being stung. Then, I was stung by a hornet in NOVEMBER. When all the stingy wingy things should have been dead or hibernating. GRRRR. Glad your hornets are terminated.

  • If you see an excavator coming your way, it is time to put on YOUR bee suit.

  • JenniferG

    Congratulations on ridding your yard of husband-killing stingy things! Last fall I perpetrated the great box elder bug massacre of 2012. I did not feel any guilt.

    Donating the nest to the school is a great idea! It would be cool to see one close up.

  • Karen

    Perhaps Scott could put on a bee suit?

  • Sharon

    Who would try to pick up a possum with a bed sheet?

  • Jeanette

    Those nests are fascinating…..from very far away. Beautiful in a scary way too. Aren’t you afraid new wasps will try to shack up in the shed? My husband likes to try to kill bees and wasps himself. From the upstairs window. Takes out the screen then squirts downward into the bushes. I hide in a separate room with the door locked.

  • Hornet nests are very cool, but much like spiders, I would rather look at photographs than have real life interaction with them. Also, I think possums are cute. Cute and SMART. “Oh, think they can just dispose of me, do they? Giant, two legged, bald FREAKS! I’mma scare the crap out of ’em just you watch!”

  • “I will sidle up calmly and kill them.” You gotta put that in a book! 😉

  • kris

    We had a huge nest of yellow jackets outside our house last month, and our bug guy was strangely excited about the DUST as well. Also, he did not wear a bee suit. When I asked what he would do if they came buzzing out all angry-like to sting him, he told me he would run.
    I could never in a million years be a bug guy.

  • So many potential stories here .. . from sci-fi to garden-variety 😉 murder mystery . . .

  • Gilly

    that nest is stunningly beautiful!!!!! (oops – pun unintended )

  • edj

    We have never had an impressive hornet nest like that, but once I looked out my window and there were many many many bees in my back yard. I called my husband at work, who called someone else, and a bee man came to my house. He wore a suit. He showed me that bees had made a home in our shop vac and built a very impressive honeycomb in a very short period of time, which he gave us. He took them away for free, happy to have them. He amazed me.
    My husband asked me how many bees and I’m bad with numbers so I said, maybe 200. The bee man said 7000.

  • Y’all are fine. That excavator is powered by DEERe. (As long as you haven’t been hiding out in the woods hunting for large mammals, your house should be FINE.) 😉