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Winners (Vicki and The Sibbie) and Losers (My Nostrils, Lungs, and Joints)

First, Immediately, and with Heartfelt Apologies for my tardiness, let’s talk to that hopeless crack addict, The Random Number generator, and see if his drug-addled brain can come up with the right number to land you a piping fresh hot copy – signed – of Susan Rebecca White’s latest, wonderful novel A PLACE AT THE TABLE. Here we go?

It is Vicki, who posted on June 19, 2013 at 5:32 pm and who said,

Her mom sounds like my mom!!
Ya know what would be even more awesome than winning this book? The author sending me some of her mom’s brownies too!

If this is you, then HAIL THE RNG, who FINALLY did something right, and shoot me an email with a snail addy so I can get Susan to send you your book. You will have to take the brownie part up with her. Because if she gave me some to send on to you, I suspect they would take a hard right turn and detour directly into the slavvery chocolate-gobbler I call my face. I am SICK, not DEAD.

If this is not you? Then the RNG can SUCK IT and we never liked him anyway and he will get his, ya’ll, because DRUGS KILL.

Meanwhile, my world has shrunk to the size of my office window. It would have shrunk to the size of my bed, except when I lie down, I begin to drown in my own phlegm. I have even slept sitting up, for five nights now, which is to say, I have NOT been sleeping, and I have watched portions of many many many terrible and/or good independent love story movies that I can grey in and out of and still kinda follow, because they move slowly.

I have also won Plants V/S Zombies, and gotten addicted to Kingdom of Loathing, which is like a fantastic old infocom game with a chat function.

The best thing about my tiny world window is that it IS tiny, and pleasant, and mostly about birds and sunshine and a cat asleep in a basket. Nice. The worst thing in my tiny window world is The Sibbie. This is The Sibbie:

The Sibbie has a notched ear on the other side, and is the only squirrel so far to have gotten into my office window bird feeder. The Sibbie is chasing off my little birdie friends. The Sibbie is kicking all the feed out with his The Sibbie-feet to get at the sunflower seeds. Worst of all, The Sibbie has become blasé about Mango:

Now I have to let the dogs out every time I want The Sibbie gone, which is every time The Sibbie gets in the feeder, which is every other freaking minute. The dogs charge out and route The Sibbie, and then charge back, triumphant, demanding pats and praises, and I have to stand up to let them in and out and these ambulatory shenanigans make me hack up a lung. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am down about 75 lungs here.

This is the worst summer cold I have had in YEARS. It smacked me down Thursday and has not let up. Today I feel 27% less like a corpse, and I hope to be up and around again by tomorrow….

What have you been up to? Anything cool going on, other than the Joss Whedon MUCH ADO opening? I really need a window to the world, because here is how I have been spending my time:

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14 comments to Winners (Vicki and The Sibbie) and Losers (My Nostrils, Lungs, and Joints)

  • Chelsey

    I understand how you feel. My summer allergies are in full swing and while I only feel about 10% like a corpse today, I am still hacking out enough mucus that I keep hearing my dearly departed grandmother’s voice asking me if it’s green or clear. Ugh.

    Enough with the grossness! Let’s see….outside world….Oh! I know. Here in slightly smoggy and humid as GA (my brother lives in Atlanta, when I visit it’s just as humid as home)Cincinnati I live near a wonderful nature preserve. It feels removed from the city because it’s quiet and we see tons of wildlife.
    Recently a large flock of turkeys have moved in and like to announce the sunrise some where around 6am in the morning. Aren’t they helpful?
    Anywho, I was driving to work the other morning when I turned the corner to get out of the complex when I had to slam on my breaks because there was a turkey in the middle of the road. It looked at me calm as can be, looked up the hill to the left and made a noise I can only describe as a cross between a gobble and a cat hurking up a hair ball. Gobhurk? Hurkkle?

    After his lovely singing prowess was displayed a group of 8 or so turkeys waddled down the hill and crossed the road into the woods, making conversation with each other as they went. Then Herbert the Turkey Crossing Guard, as I named him in that moment, nodded at me and waddled on his way. I giggle the whole way to work. The thing is, this isn’t the only time this has happened! Herbert leads the street crossing about twice a day around the same time. My neighbors and I have compared notes. Miss Red, my elderly neighbor, said a few of the doe and their newborn twins have started to join the parade!

    I hope my rather long post has cheered your summer cold. Keep in mind while you’re imagining my tale that the Turkeys are quite tall this year, nearing 4 feet.

  • Ooh! Visual aids! Love the graph, hate that you’re suffering so. Feel better!

  • Jill W.

    Gah- hate a summer cold. Hope you feel better soon!

  • Our whole family has been struck down…my husband and kids with this particularly heinous summer cold, and me with a particularly heinous intestinal virus that you really don’t want to hear about. (I’ve had it for SEVEN DAYS! And for all that suffering haven’t lost a pound!) All of us would definitely claim it to be the worst we’ve had in years. We leave for Poland the Mother Land on Friday so praise all that is holy that is all goes away by then. And curses on the squirrel. We are not fans of these little rodents. Their population in our little neck of the woods has exploded, and they seem to kamikaze under our cars as we pull out of our drive. I do not brake. If there is a corpse, my husband deals with it.

  • Hello,

    As the recently self-appointed agent of The Sibbie(r), I am hereby informing you that the user of The Sibbie(r)’s image is registered intellectual property and that that unauthorized use of His name and image is strictly prohibited.

    However, The Sibble(r) is not without some understanding, and so The Sibbie(r) has taken the following into consideration:

    1) You are offering, consistently, food tribute to The Sibbie(r). This tribute, while it tastes like bird food, is acceptable.

    2) Your frequent but momentary insanities (where you aggressively communicate that The Sibble(r) stop partaking of your tribute) do not last long. And so, when your sanity returns, The Sibble(r) knows that in your heart or hearts, you truly wish for The Sibble(r) to resume the acceptance of your tribute.

    3) Hits to http://www.TheSibbie.com website have increased significantly since you posted (btw, our webmaster Foamy the Squirrel(r) would like to talk to you about link sharing and possible co-op advertising).

    It is then, with the greatest exhibition of generosity one mammal can offer another, The Sibbie(r) has agreed to let this copyright infringement pass. Further, The Sibbie(r) waives all past, current and future rights to continue to use The Sibble(r)’s name and image, provided they are in used in good taste and do not reflect poorly on The Sibble(r).

    This waiver is contingent the continued services as described in the considerations #1 and #2 in the aforementioned paragraph. Failure to comply with these contingencies may result in withdrawal of the waiver.

    Sincerely,

    The Sibble(r)

  • Jennifer Kepesh

    Not to get all mathy on you, but you have indicated that you spend more than 100% of your time spending time. And I realize that you can indeed whine while engaged in several of the other categories (creating mucus, suffering, thinking about work, working, though the latter is questionable because it’s so hard to work when someone is whining right there in the same room). Nonetheless, I think that if you admitted that there’s some rounding up in some of the categories, you’d be more accurate. And it’s pretty obvious that the rounding up happened in the last two categories. Put ’em back where they belong, at zero. But do not feel bad about that, because we all admire your incredible work ethic, and we know that you usually work a ton more than any of us works. Furthermore, you don’t want to get viruses on your computer keys.

  • In the past six months, I’ve lost my 21 year old kitty to oldness, grieved, adopted a new kitten from the county shelter, lost my almost 14 year old kitty, suddenly, to renal failure and tried to stopper up that pain with two more county shelter kitties. One is a kitten who is now 3 months old and one is working on being 8 months old. The 8 month old named Jilly Bean, has a horrible summer cold and developed an infection at her surgery site from being spayed. She’s on antibiotics. Now, the 3 month old named Idgie has contracted the cold because she and Bean became instantaneous best buds (they were in cages next to each other at the shelter which MAY have something to do with that) and developed conjunctivitis and is, also, on antibiotics. It took Minion, the kitty I adopted first, a full week to warm up to Idgie and she still, almost two weeks later, dislikes Bean. Today, Minion started sneezing, too. Alas.

  • I can’t quite tell: is it a red squirrel or a grey one? I love them all, but prefer the European reds of my childhood.

    And I so miss Infocom games! The Leather Goddesses Of Phobos was my fav!

  • edj

    I’m very sad I didn’t win, and even sadder that you’re so sick. Ick. On the upside, I adore that graph!

  • Brigitte

    Summer colds are just not right!
    I was about to distract you with all the nature I saw yesterday, but then I started thinking of how they show nature videos to dying folks in Soylent Green . . sorry!
    Maybe we should concentrate on imaginary brownies instead.

  • Martha

    I have a real terror of squirrels of any ilk. They are, after all, just rats with fuzzy tails. In my childhood, a neighbor boy was bitten by a squirrel who just jumped down from the tree for No. Good. Reason. and bit him. The boy had to get rabies shots in his stomach. Like a hundred of them! (My memory may be a wee bit skewed, but it was a lot of shots.)

    I have a new German Shepard-ish dog who shares my hatred for the wicked rodents and so I now I feel much safer from random squirrel attacks.

    I do not feel sad when I see a dead squirrel in the road. So sue me.

  • Summer colds are gross. I’m sorry that so much of your time is being taken up with mucus production and/or expulsion.

    I have been writing a lot, some blogging, but some prep for a book I am going to write. I am excited and terrified about the book, which I keep telling myself is a good combination. I do not have any pets of my own at the moment, but have an ever-expanding wish list of pets that I will get when the time is right, which now includes two pugs, an African grey parrot, and two mice. I never would have expected mice of myself, but my niece has two and they are completely charming.

    I bought a roll-top desk. I love it.

    Is it wrong that I think the Sibbie is kind of cute? Is it also wrong that I sort of love the Sibbie’s agent?

  • Holly

    You need a man version of that chart.

  • Alex

    I agree with Martha. As an English major in TN, I was constantly terrorized by the psychotic campus squirrels. They were not scared of people…but people were scared of them. We were told on our freshman orientation, “Do not feed the squirrels, because they are likely to feed on you. Don’t look at them, talk to them, or THINK about them.” Case in point, Martha. Evil.