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Uncle Toilet’s Bathing Pod for Underprivileged Filth-Encrusted Right Triangles

This Shower is Inexplicable

I am on writing retreat in a VERY darling bungalow in Virginia with Mad Genius Lydia Netzer, and we wish you were here, assuming you are a homeless triangle in need of a thorough cleaning.

Because if you are, we can plug you directly into the shower as if it were a socket and you were the right-triangle-shaped-prong that goes in there. To be rinsed.

If you are shaped more like a tuba, or a pony, or a box of rock salt, or a Lady Novelist, you won’t go in the shower very well.

Also, if you ARE shaped like a triangle, but you are OBLIQUE, you can sod RIGHT off. No shower for you. Right or die.

I actually came here to WRITE or die. I suspect my body has chosen “die.”

I may or may not be stoned out of my GOURD on Dayquil, by which I am mean I definitely am. The box says DAYQUIL will not make me drowsy. GOOD JOB BEING A TRUE BOX! I am SUPER not drowsy.

The box did leave a few things out, like, it MAY make you LOOPY as spiral permed hair from 1983. The small print probaby covers that, and maybe it also says I may experience vision wavers, but I couldn’t read it because I am having all this dern VISION WAVERING. Also, I have this THOROUGHLY DISTURBING lightheaded sense of my ears quasi-detaching themselves to float up up up up UP and away off my head but on STRINGS. They bong against the ceiling, with the strings still running down inside and attached so that my brain gets jostled.

This Shower cannot be Explict. Or Bathed In.

I think now perhaps Lydia and I are on a Mucus Retreat. I came here, at great personal expense in terms of time, travel, lodging, and child care, came 1/8th of the way across the country, in order to leak foul juices from EVERY HOLE IN MY FACE.

I have Mucal Goal Bucket, and each day I hope to leak enough mucus to FILL IT, and at the end of it, I should have a complete TANKER TRUCK FULL OF INFECTED SLIME, which I will drive directly to Harper Morrow so they can reproduce and distribute it via Independent Snot Stores, Barnes and Snottle, Snots-A-Million, Snotazon, and any other venue where snots of all the finest kinds are purveyed unto the healthy.

Other activities a Lady Novelist might engage in on a Mucus Retreat: Suffering, Flopping, Sweating, Not Writing, Having Fevers, Having Chills, and hallucinating oneself into a right triangle shape long enough to bathe.

I may or may not be SUPER BITTER.

I may or may not be infecting Lydia RIGHT NOW.

I may or MAY NOT feel better tomorrow.


18 comments to Uncle Toilet’s Bathing Pod for Underprivileged Filth-Encrusted Right Triangles

  • Aimee

    Wow. That sounds like a lot of mucus. I would buy some, but I have made plenty of my own these past three weeks and counting, so I am all stocked up. It’s a very sweet offer, though. Very generous.

    That shower is terrifying. For realsies.

    And finally, it is a well-known fact that Dayquil boxes sit on a throne of lies.

  • I can just see the planners (I dare to call them architects) renovating this bungalow and saying “WHOOPS! We forgot to put in a shower! How about under these stairs? Use this empty space!”. Because why else?

    Despite the snot, you really seem to be in a good writing form. Full-on JJ. I’d be excited to see what came of this retreat.

  • Leslie McCraney

    All that is really nice and all, but tell me, how are you FEELing?? (winking as I tip-toe away)

  • Oh, you took your cold on vacation. That’s more considerate than me who made my mucus suffer at home, boring. You’re also a lot more fun than I am when I’m sick and I hope your bodily fluids appreciate that.

  • OMG I WISH I was on Vacation. I need to get 20K words drafted. I need 8 – 10 good writing hours a day, and instead I am getting…snot.

  • Jen the Goddess in Virginia

    I am dying to know where exactly this darling, odd-shower-having bungalow is in my very own town. Perhaps I will screw up the courage to ask you or Lydia when I see you tomorrow and Saturday at your respective Book Fest activities. Also, hie thee hence (or send Lydia a-hieing, or tell me where you are via emails and I’ll be your hie-er) to Revolutionary Soup for some good soul-warming, mucous-clearing soupstuffs. We are very good at Restaurants in this town. We have many of them, and most of them are wonderful. Even the ones dedicated to just One Food, like soup. Or meatballs. Or crepes. Or potato donuts.

  • Therese

    I highly recommend Chinese hot-and-sour soup (at any good Chinese restaurant) for its palliative effects (= anti-snot miracle cure!) with only mild MSG hangover side effects. Because, honey, while your description was everso entertaining, that much snot is disgu-u-u-usting. I mean, ew! Now I have to go wash my hands…

    Best wishes for good health, clear sinuses, and grand writing accomplishments!

  • I think the only redeeming quality of that shower is that is can qualify as indoor plumbing. Otherwise, I can imagine that unless you are a VERY short child (who would be thrilled to bath in such a place), it would be ill-advised to take you and your spiral permed, loopy, boinged up self in there. Sorry about the snot. We have pine pollen here in southeast Texas. It is righteously nasty and covering every single surface whether it stands still or not. I wish yours was only pine pollen.

  • Desi

    Honey, I don’t think that’s Dayquil you’re on. Check the label again.

  • It is DAYquil. If it was Nyquil I would be either passed out or up for 24 hours straight, jittering and shaking…I have very strong, weird reactions to most drugs, and have to be very careful what I take. Dayquil I can tolerate, but it does make me loopy.

  • Oh wow. That stinks. I’m sorry.

  • It is surely a sign of your writerly brilliance that you can make even snot entertaining. Hell, even your post titles are more fun than most people’s whole blogs.

    Hope you feel human again soon!

  • Martha

    Again I say *snort* (which I mean in a more literal sense today). Perhaps you could pull up a chair and sit in the baby shower and steam your snot away?

  • Les in az

    Get well soon. May the snot gods be kind and vacate asp! Happy writing, I can’t wait for the new one.

  • Brigitte

    Um . . you are busy acquiring much drug-induced, hallucinatory inspiration, the better to write when you are recovered?

  • mickey

    love ’em or hate ’em, but a quick round with the neti pot will do you wonders….

  • Linda J

    As sick as you are please forgive me but when I saw that shower all I could think of was “what did it take to get those shower tiles to stick to the walls?” How silly I know. I once lived in a place that had a similar shaped spaced and they put a toilet there. Every time I went I thought for sure I was going to bonk my head but I never did.
    get well soon.

  • Susan

    I had a friend whose apartment had a bathtub in a space just like that–so you
    could bathe, but not stand up and not stretch out. And that was her everyday life. not a mountain retreat! Her rent was low, but no rent is low enough to make a hideous daily cleansing experience worth it.