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Nothing Bad Has Happened

Assume no assumes. I am just Crazy Busy in the Face, trying to get out of town for a week.

As a place holder, and so you know it is all well, I am putting up and OLD post I love, that I had forgotten, that is true and dear. In it, Beautiful Maisy Who Is Barely Two is…barely two. This month? The baby below turns ELEVEN…

I’ll catch you up on the sequelization of America once I am safely in Virginia (I will be at the VA Book Fest Nets weekend, and writingwritingwriting holed up with The Mad Genius Known As Lydia Netzer until then).

Beautiful Maisy is barely two, and she has a white tiger doll named Siegfried. He was named before the Eaten Magician Incident of 2003. I am sure a white tiger doll named Siegfried is already NOT pc. But there it is. We have one. He is Siegfried and any attempts to call him “Tiger” instead are met with a blank stare and a refusal to understand who that is.

That is not even the problem. The problem is, beautiful Maisy can not SAY Siegfried. She used to call him a word that sounded like Swfog. But today, in the Wal-Mart, she very loudly found a new way to incorrectly pronounce Siegfried. She says it so it sounds EXACTLY — DEAD BANG EXACTLY — like….faggot. Yes. You heard me. Faggot. Clear as a bell.

And this is the girl who has such a high, loud, carrying voice that she sets off the WHISTLE BEEPER my friend Jan uses to locate her keys every time she gets within a city block of the thing.

In fact, Jan gave me a WHISTLE BEEPER because I am ALWAYS losing my keys, and it went off every time Maisy spoke, and Maisy NEVER stops speaking. EVEN when I shoved my keys UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS in the living room, Maisy could SET THEM OFF from upstairs. PS Did I mention the WHISTLE BEEPER has no off button???? I eventually took it into the backyard and beat it to death with a brick. ‘Nother story. ANYWAY….

Sentences Maisy shrieked cheerfully at 500 decibels as she danced through the Wal-Mart:
—Where my Faggot?
—I love Faggot!
—Bye Bye, Faggot!
—I Broke it, Faggot
And then she held up her monkey in one hand and Siegfried in another and IRREPRESSIBLY chanted FAGGOT MONKEY FAGGOT MONKEY FAGGOT MONKEY for 2 aisles.

Right now she’s running through the house yelling FAGGOT! FAGGOT! WHEE Ahhh YOU! as he has gone missing.

He has gone missing because we have more errands to run, and Faggot is not coming with us, thanks. Monkey must go alone. We will not go barrelling through the Publix piping out cheerful little derogatives in a high-pitched peeping voice that carries for miles. NOT ON MY WATCH.

8 comments to Nothing Bad Has Happened

  • Jenn in FL

    Thank you for making me laugh so hard that my shouldn’t-be-drinking-while-reading-this coffee is now both up my nose and strewn across the counter! As the mother of almost-two year old twins, I can only expect something similar in the future. Right now the worst we’ve got is my son, who yells “CRAAAAAAP” (i.e. cracker) at the sight of Goldfish.

  • Oh. . .I had forgotten that story too. But now I remember it, and it also makes me wonder exactly how old Maisy WAS when I started following you, because she was not barely two. I THINK she was barely four. It hurts my brain to try to remember, so I will stop that and continue laughing. Thank you.

  • Therese

    Oh, the funnies from the mouths of babes! And good call, there, letting Siegfried hibernate at home. I wish I could have made all trucks similarly disappear for a while when my own child was about two, since he pronounced the “tr” in “truck” as an F. He dearly loved trucks everywhere and anywhere, loudly and proudly: “I love f(tr)ucks!” Or, as we were out and about, “Oh, a red f(tr)uck!” And of course, in a toy store, “I wanna f(tr)uck!” Fabulous.

    Happy to say, now he is a gainfully employed adult with no lingering speech impediments, but perhaps an odd sense of humor.

  • Kacie

    I love it!

  • Linda J

    Oh wow hun. That made me get out of bed . Reading that was just what I needed, just not in bed next to a sleeping old man who has to get up in 4 hours. She has been priceless in some of the things you have posted about. My grand question is what would SHE post about YOU??? A dancing clip perhaps…

  • Aimee

    haha! oh my gosh, I remember when you first posted this I read it and then forced everybody who would stand still long enough yo read it too. Thanks for the memory.

  • jetmom4

    I remember this from the first time, thanks again for the smiles, now, then, and all the intervening years :-)