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Incenti-Votes

My Gimlet Eye. Look, it is fixing you.

SO when last we spoke, I was trying to think of NON BRIBEY incentives that might motivate genuine fans of A GROWN-UP KIND OF PRETTY help get the word out about its NOM for BEST FICTION over at GOODREADS. Have YOU voted yet, Oh Best of all possible Best Beloved? Yes, YOU. *fixes you with a gimlet eye*

Look, a handy link for voting!

SO here is what I came up with.

1) If A GROWN-UP KIND OF PRETTY makes the finals, I will post here a FREE DOWNLOAD of a short story called THE SNAKE ROCK. It features a 9 foot rattler named Henry and a Jesus Truck. You will like it.

2) I will, on the internet, dance GANGNAM STYLE in celebration.

I told reknowned novelist Lydia Netzer this incentive idea, and after she stopped laughing, she pointed out that I could VERY well actually DIE from this. She is right. She has known me since we were young and fresh and barely legal to drink, and I asked how she would describe my INNER GRACE.

This pumpkin tried to dance Gangnam style!

Lydia: In graduate school we had special rules for where liquids could be set when Joshilyn was around: a rule to determine the (generous) number of inches from the counter’s edge, a rule against filling anything all the way to the top, a rule against beverages with color, if light colors were worn. She was a habitual spiller, knocker, slosher. Still is.

I remember once peeing myself laughing over Joshilyn falling on her ass. When someone falls into a snow bank, the usual response is to wrinkle your brow with concern, and rush to help them out. When Joshilyn fell in a snow bank, (we were in Chicago in 1993 and it was a big damn snow bank) my response was to laugh and laugh, and laugh and pee.

You see it wasn’t that concerning, because Joshilyn falls all the time. She’s one of those “oopsie daisy” types like you read about in books — a coffee stain on her collar, a grass stain on her knee, and relentless optimism for tomorrow sparkling in her eye. She absolutely should not attempt dancing. Not in public. Possibly not even at home.

But vote, because if she does, you need to see it.

If this doesn’t make you understand the MAGNITUDE OF HORROR awaiting you, should you succeed in your mission….well. I did a little interview with my friend, the EMPRESS of narrative non-fiction, Karen Abbott.

Me: Karen, what is my stance on dancing in public?

Karen: Your stance on dancing in public is to not do it unless Yosemite Sam is shooting at your feet. And even then, he’d better be using a BIG GUN.

Me: What are my reasons for this stance?

Karen: As a kindness toward the aesthetics of other humans?

Me: I know that you, personally, witnessed my last dance attempt, which was 2003’s brief foray into RUNNING MAN. It took place in a tavern where we were winning bar trivia, and my exuberance got the best of me. You know how I love WINNING. Can you give a mercifully brief description of this event, and tell me how it scarred you?

Karen: Dear God, MY EYES. It was like Pee Wee Herman having a muscle spasm during an octopus attack. I love you, but please do not dance. For your own safety. Please. And yet, at the same time, I am going to go tell everyone to vote, because it seems like such a glorious train wreck. I want to be there when it happens.

So yeah. It’s on YOU, Beloveds. If you can tweet, facebook, email, talk, stalk, pinterest, google+, Goodreads network, bookclub surf, seek, find and ferret out enough Pretty fans to make this happen, I will give BACK. Both a never before published short story and…something TRULY AWFUL. This round ENDS November 11th, so time is short!

It will be worse and even possibly LESS EXPLICABLE than the costumes in THIS.:

11 comments to Incenti-Votes

  • DebR

    I have the video above on my DVR and can’t erase it. I have been compelled to watch it multiple times because HOW CAN YOU NOT??? Even after reading the interviews with Lydia & Karen, I find it extremely difficult to believe that you could look worse doing Gangnam Style than Kirstie Alley but I am willing to be convinced! 🙂 I have been pimping AGUKOP – hope it helps!!!

  • I vote every day, alongside my daily medications.

    Forget Gangam style, I SO want to see you do the Numfar Dance of Joy, like our beloved master, Mr. Whedon. I would PAY for that!

    Dance as if the internet is watching, my dear. Dance for joy and honor!

  • Lori B.

    Oh, have mercy! That was a train wreck. I could not avert my eyes. I can’t wait to see you dance Gangnam Style. I could show that to my son…unlike Dancing with the Stars.

  • Jill W.

    How are people voting everyday? It only let me vote once. : (

  • Elaine Drennon Little

    Thank you for the precious moment of reading this page. I NEEDED this…

  • I will watch the dance, and I’m assuming your REALLY, TRULY Best Beloveds, Karen and Lydia, will be joining you?

    ALSO–GUESS what was on the “favorite adult fiction” table at my Jr. High’s book fair today? All lovely and in paperback, it was PRETTY!!!!! I immediately told my NEW librarian, that she MUST read it. I was so excited.

  • Idella

    You already had my vote a couple of days ago, plus a 5 star rating and review. I recently discovered you and your wonderful storytelling on September 12th when I came across ‘a grown-up kind of pretty’. I have since read every other book you have written and past tehm all on to a good freind…she too is loving ’em. So you go right ahead and win the best fiction nomination so I can fix my withdrawals with your download of Snake Rock :-)Thanks for being such an awesome awesome writer/storyteller extraordinaire!

  • Idella

    You already had my vote a couple of days ago, plus a 5 star rating and review. I recently discovered you and your wonderful storytelling on September 12th when I came across ‘a grown-up kind of pretty’. I have since read every other book you have written and past them all on to a good friend…she too is loving ’em. So you go right ahead and win the best fiction nomination so I can fix my withdrawals with your download of Snake Rock :-)Thanks for being such an awesome awesome writer/storyteller extraordinaire!

  • Michelle-Who-Is-Shelley

    Jill W. — I had the same question on another post. I’m pretty sure you can only vote once. The people who are saying “every day” are joking.

    *cheerleader voice* Go GUKOP!