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My Beautiful Midlife Crisis (MBMC)

I forgot to show you the keeping room last time. PEEP THE BEAMS. Heartheartheart


We SO TOTALLY OWN this now! And by “SO TOTALLY OWN” I mean, “We own 37.5% of it.”

The rest a bank owns and we have to hurl large scoops of money toward them at regular intervals for about thirty years, and THEN we will even more totally own it except for property taxes which we have to pay forever or lose the place, so technically I should have said, EVENTUALLY WE WILL BEEN IN AN OWNERSHIP LIKE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS HOUSE. But whatever.

The upshot is as follows: YAY.

We don’t take possession until tomorrow, but the sellers gave us the keys at the closing ANYWAY because, 1) they are very nice and 2) as Mr. Seller said, “It doesn’t feel like a closing without keys.”

Me, last night, after ONE glass of wine, but okay, to be fair, it was a generous pour: We should drive over and sneak inside all quiet like and then leap their bed and spray them with shaving cream and yell PANTY RAID!!!!! It will be like a nice DÉJÀ VU! From when they went to sleep away camp in 6th Grade.

Scott: No.

Me: But then we could—

Scott: No, no. No.

SO! I am SORRY Mr and Mrs Seller, while you have wisely given your delightful house to ONE person who wants only to make a fun surprise for you, you have also deeded it over to one pooper, of the party variety.

On the upside, no one got shot.

I am extremely pleased with MBMC. You may keep your STD addled hookers and your crashable red sports cars and your face lifts that make you look CONSTANTLY like you have just been ever so slightly surprised. This is the best mid-life crisis EVER.

DISCLAIMER: I meant YOU in the general, Beloveds, not the YOU-yous, my most especially pet beloved and SPECIFIC yous. I am quite certain that the typical best Best Beloved, when mid-life-crisising, does not go after even the CLEANEST hookers.

Perhaps you buy ORANGE sports cars, because that would be awesome.

Actual Slot Machine!

Perhaps a few of you have daringly taken a few fat cells from your backside and moved it front and center, injecting it directly into your lips, not because you NEED it, particularly, but because it makes you so happy to Europe-kiss your most viperous enemies on their cool and powdered cheeks and feel that they have, in some small way, been kissed by your butt.

I don’t know, but I DO feel YOUR personal and specific mid-life crises are > the average bears clichéd old tired things. If you had a good one, SHARE IT. And if you have not yet reached your mid-point, what do you have in the works? It’s better to PLAN these things, I think and a truly AWESOME midlife crisis. Share ideas.

PS The comments have been so AWESOME recently I should start doing a COMMENT OF THE DAY thing. I am checkign every ten minutes on my phone to see the new ones and then cackling in public like a LOON. If you aren’t reading them….you should.

37 comments to My Beautiful Midlife Crisis (MBMC)

  • Kim

    I’ve taken up cycling around on an Electra Townie for hours at a time. Does this count? I am 47 after all, certainly time for a MBMC. Oh, I almost forgot: the bike I’m riding is a loaner (my bike is backordered) and it’s ORANGE. Why, WHY didn’t I choose a house with hardwood flooring and beamed ceilings in the keeping room for MBMC? Sigh…

  • I’m going to be 40 this October. I’ve always been kind of a rule follower but somehow 40 feels like something that should be celebrated. A last hurrah and farewell to my youth, you know? I’ve always wanted Pink hair and a nose ring, but alas the Big Boss Man would frown upon pink locks, but I’m seriously thinking of getting my nose pierced. My husband is slightly horrified, but I think he would be MORE horrified by hooker, so really, a nose ring is tame by comparison, amirite?

  • Tracey

    I totally *love* the beams! Enjoy the new house. I, myself, have decided to put off MBMC until after my 45th birthday. Just too busy to deal with it until then 🙂

  • I got married when I was 40 (not my best decision ever), and I got my first tattoo when I was 45. Not sure if those were mid-life related, but that’s the best I can come up with. If I live past 97, I could have another mid-life plan right this minute. However, I’m not sure that is in the cards.

    Congratulations on your beautiful new home!

  • DebR

    YAY on the house-ownership-like-state-of-being!!! So glad it all went well!

    I think I missed my opportunity for a spectacular BMC. I turned 50 in March (yes, 5-freakin’-0) and I have absolutely NO reasonable expectation of living to 100, so I’m pretty sure I should have had MBMC an undetermined-but-several number of years ago. I tried thinking back a few years and the only thing I am coming up with that might count is that several years ago, after a bunch of years of being a (fake) blonde, I chose to become a flamingly-bright-haired (fake) redhead. I’d wanted to do it for years but had been afraid it would look stupid. Then finally, sometime in my early 40’s, I thought so WHAT if it looks stupid! It’s just HAIR!! I can either 1) let it look as stupid as it wants ’til I’m tired of it or 2) make some nice hairdresser’s day by throwing lots of money at him/her to fix it or 3) shave it off & start over. I actually liked it though, so Yay! Does that count? 🙂

    PS re: comments – My favorite recent comment is the Joey story on the cussing post. I have told several people about that comment because it was both hilarious AND educational, since I had to look up what a subjunctive is. 🙂

  • PandoraVox

    Mine began almost 4 years ago but will come to fruition this September. I recently turned 40 and will be marrying a man 8 years my junior that I met in an online game and have only been physically in the same zip/postcode with a total of 106 days across that 4 years of time. I live in the US and he lives in England. We’re getting married in Scotland on our 4 yr anniversary and then I’ll come back to the US and wait for his visa to be approved which could take up to 8 months. This is the scariest and craziest thing I have ever done. But OMG it makes me excited to be on this adventure and knowing I will be spending the next part of my life with him is pure happiness.

  • Well, I’m 36, in the first quarter of, and I HOPE it’s not quite my mid-life as yet. Still. I like crazy things. I do. A wildly funky haircut sounds awesome, but I do that regularly (cause it’s just hair…my mom is horrified.) so it’s not original enough to cover any sort of Crisis. Hmmm. I’d like to buy a house, but the housing market is CRAP around here and I can not afford paying for two. Still in 5-9 years? Maybe. A new car around that time? Well, that wouldn’t be crazy, just practical since my current vehicle is 5 years old and just rolled over the 100K mark. A LONG trip to Europe. That would be bliss, but if it’s too long I won’t be leaving. I went to Austria for two weeks once and never wanted to leave. Ever. Maybe I will finally go back to school and finish that degree I’ve been working on since I was 18. My problem is that I don’t know what I want to be. Architect? Interior Designer? Civil Engineer? Physicist? Writer? Biology Professor? Historian? I’ll be in school until I keel over and STILL not have a degree. heh.

    The craziest thing I’ve done recently is pull my kids from public school and begin homeschooling. It’s been a really good thing. Scary, yes, but good, also.

  • At 53, and after living for 20 years in a nice enough flat with an absent minded landlord, I bought a condo. It happened very quickly – started looking on the fourth of July, closed September 15th. I now have the much-craved control over everything, but along with it comes the financial responsibility for everything.

    I’ve grown to love my hammer, drill and paintbrushes.

  • I said I wasn’t going to turn 40 unless they made it worth my while. So they threw a pig-picking for about a hundred of our closest friends and I finally went up in a balloon even though I have vertigo and had to force myself look down. Scary and exhilarating But my main MLC was abandoning a safe series of books and letting myself write something completely different. Very much like that balloon ride.

  • Kimberly

    It hit me as I read your post, that just maybe I am planning my own MBMC and didn’t know it!! You see, I have just applied to Graduate School at 44, and while I have applied to a local University, I really, really want to go to one that is almost 2 hours away!! My husband, also a pooper of the party variety, informed me that I cannot move one state over and live on campus!! Darn it man, watch me!!

  • Oh. . .I didn’t get to PLAN mine. It caught me unawares while I was trying to be an adult and it kicked my hiney. And it was NOT fun. It did not involve hard wood floors or beams or much that was lovely. It did, however, make me a better mother and wife and human being (PLEASE DON’T THROW THINGS AT ME). It also made me be much, MUCH nicer to myself. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I am not GLAD that it happened, but I AM glad to learn what I learned. I am ALSO glad that YOURS is a house in a new town where you will complete your 6th best seller! And I STILL think you need to locate some lions to flank your front door. . .you SO need some lions.

  • Em

    I’m planning a mental break and I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am far exceeding my timeline.

  • Catherine

    Hummm. For our midlife crisis my husband bought a convertable! And I got a dog! And then I got another dog! And just recently another dog! But I’m not really sure that wasn’t just to cover up the empty nest thing. I have three children. And now three dogs and also three cats! And I’m actually very happy with the situation!

  • I turned 40 last week and my MBMC has been in the works for a few months. First, I too am upping and moving to another house, in a whole other state and I’ll be doing that next week. I am excited for the new house with its lack of other people’s dirt (it’s new construction), the white walls and arched doorways that await my genius color selections and the smooth lovely granite counters that I could lay across, drooling and loving on them.

    But most importantly, I have dragged several lovely friends into the 40s with me. My six dear friends from elementary school on through high school, also turn 40 this year. And there is no one I would rather celebrate with than the same group of girl friends who cried at my 16th birthday party because the boys in attendance didn’t dance with us, but only with the short, feather haired popular girls who I only invited to be polite.

    So the seven of us are gathering for a 40 year party slash sleepover slash hoopla-festooned festivity weekend which we have regally named THE SHINDIG. Said Shindig includes John Hughes movies, prank calls, a noted lack of children, boozy cupcakes, 80s music and most likely debauchery. It is a our shiny carrot at the end of the 40’s stick and our shared celebration. Happy freaking birthday to us!

  • I’m going to turn 40 this year and realized that I need to be planning for a good crisis. I hadn’t given it any thought at all which seems like slacking. That may be because I’ve been dealing with a big move (which may have been my guy’s crisis) and haven’t had time to start a new crisis yet. I’m going to have to think about it.

  • edj

    I don’t feel like I’ve had mine yet but I would like one. Moving…new countries/languages meh, done that. New car…nice but am having fun in my ’87 black volvo which leaks and the radio doesn’t work but it’s punchy on the hills and I often accidentally cut people off cuz I still drive a bit like they do in Morocco. (Also, american drivers are wusses! It is so easy to get in front of them if you are a little bit late, which happens) I guess I should get a tattoo. But honestly, what will my kids be able to do then? Tattoos are so yesterday, so last year, at least here in Oregon where the grandmas all have them. Perhaps me getting one, though, is the best way to ensure they don’t. (I’ve told them they can, no problem, as long as their first tatt is “MOM” with a heart around it on their arm.)

  • I got a new kidney a few months ago, which totally opens up the potential to actually HAVE a mid-life crisis!

  • Aparatchick

    Excellent, RuthWells!

    My MBMC involved going on safari in South Africa. I highly recommend it!

  • Jessica (the celt)

    I’m not quite ready for a mid-life anything yet. I think I shall plan something fun, like spiriting my niece (who will be an adult by then) away to another country for a few months. Heck, maybe I won’t return her! (Long back story on that, but suffice it to say that it would not be unwelcome by her.) Of course, I should probably take my husband. Maybe that’s when I could convince him to finally move over to Spain and stay there a while…

    Maybe I should be planning my husband’s mid-life crisis, so I can move where I want to…

  • I’m turning 56 in the seriously not-too-distant future (Hello, upcoming birthday! Nice to see ya!)and so, looking back, my Beautiful Midlife Crisis started in tragedy and ended in joy. In a turbulent time, I lost my best friend of 30+ years, reassessed my life, divorced a lovely man whom I married for all the wrong reasons, fell head over heels in love with the lady who is now my wife, stopped dying my hair and wearing contacts, and basically reinvented myself.

    So. Worth. It. Except for the death of the best friend, because cancer just sucks. And I’m truly sorry about hurting my ex-husband, but it was doomed from the very, very beginning. So yeah, I’m all for MBMCes. Or however that’s spelled. Woo hoo and full steam ahead!

  • elswhere

    MBMC involved moving to Canada at 41, and then a few years later finally biting the bullet and writing a (very drafty first draft of a) novel. My plan was for the midlife c. to also include a cute little blue Honda Fit, but that has not (as my woo-woo stepmother-in-law would say) manifested, or not yet; perhaps my life will be longer than I think and I’m not quite mid- yet, which would be lovely.

  • Christine in Los Angeles

    Heck, I’d best start planning MBMC, since I’m now 75 – does that mean I will live to 150?
    A hint for PandoraVox: my son-in-law is from England (as am I), and the immigration lawyer told him to marry here, then apply for a visa. He was right, the ‘green card’ and work permit arrived much faster than if my daughter had applied for him, as a fiance or he applied, as an overseas husband.
    God bless, Christine in Los Angeles

  • Isapie

    My husband asked the other day, “when am i allowed to have my MLC?”, to which I replied, “when you are 55, because you need to live to 110, because I wish to live to 110 and you have to stay with me the whole time.”
    Maybe this is why he doesn’t often ask my permission…

  • PandoraVox

    @Christine in Los Angeles: Thanks for the tip! We considered doing it that way but as it turns out, it’s actually cheaper for us to marry there and then do the Spouse visa. It’s also a lot less paperwork. We did check with an immigration lawyer before making our final decision. We’re eloping to Glasgow and his Mum & Dad are going to be our witnesses. He has a much larger family than I do so it makes sense to do it over there. Plus, we get to honeymoon in Cumbria, London and Wales!

    @RuthWells: That is such an amazing and awesome thing! I’m so happy for you!

  • I am not eligible for MBMC yet, but I’ve already walked away from an entire life and started over, so there’s THAT. I’d rather NOT to repeat it, actually. For my midlife crisis, maybe I’ll just haul off to Europe. For a YEAR. >.>

  • Gorgeous house, and I covet the cow flash drive–that’s genius. I want a Mustang and an F-150 so I can have a MBMC and haul things. I’d also like to be on Dancing with the Stars so I can find my long-lost rhythm and shed that last 20 pounds–strike that it’ll probably be more by then because my metabolism is inching toward glacial in pace. Other than that, I’ve already tacked a poster of Johnny Depp in the laundry room, so I don’t know there’s much more to work for…

  • Amy-Go

    Congratulations, Tulip! Can’t wait to see it in person!

  • Tab

    Congratulations. My hubby and I just had a midlife crisis also and purchased our first house. As in purchased we only own 3.5%. Hopefully we can make our first payment next month. 🙂 Here’s to the housing market and bieng able to kinda own your own home. Cheers.

  • Aimee

    Your MBMC is so beautiful! I love the exposed beams — heck, I love that it has a keeping room.

    I’ve been thinking about mid-life crises lately, because a good friend of mine recently bought himself a bright yellow sports car that made me yell to my husband when I saw it on Facebook, “Hey! George bought a midlife crisis car!” I haven’t had one yet, but I very much think I should.

  • Scottsdale Girl

    I am pretty sure I had my midlifecrisis when I was like 25. Which does not bode well for me now that I am 44.

  • Mott

    I will be thirty-four this year. I’ll also be in my sophomore year at a community college. Looks like I’ll have my masters somewhere around the time my children are graduating high school, and they just finished up the second grade. My pre-mid-life comes in the form of me trying not to smile – at all – when I’m on campus, because then everyone there – much younger than me – can see all my fine lines and wrinkles. My back is always hurting, because I’m always trying to keep my stomach sucked in, even though that won’t help because I have twin-skin. I have enough skin that I could jump off a cliff, pull the skin out to the sides, and safely glide down to the valley. However! I have a plan. When not smiling/gliding/good posture/acting like I know a certain band when I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to them(what’s up with their music?) doesn’t work anymore, I am going to become a tanning bed freak. Then I’m getting my belly button pierced. I’m hacking off my hair and I’m keeping it bleached. I’m investing in cotton jersey shorts and white lace up shoes and very, very frosty lipstick. All my shirts will be v-necks and they’ll be color-coordinated with my socks, and they will always display my cleavage. I’m buying all the big earrings I see and I’m going to wear them every day. I’m going to drink constantly until my sweat is a flammable/volatile thing, and I’m going to run people off the road at least once a week. I’m going to read filthy magazines on park benches right in front of playgrounds. I’m going to support all the male strip joints in the tri-state area. I’m buying a convertible, and I’m going to play MY music loud enough to make my ears bleed. Even past churches. Why? Because I’ll finally, finally be able to do what I’ve always wanted to do, and I won’t care what people think anymore. Amen.

  • Christine in Los Angeles

    Mott – that sounds like the 21st century version of Jenny Joseph’s poem “when I’m an old woman”.
    Go for it, girl.
    Oh, and while verifying the author of said poem, I found a site for “old women looking for young men”. Something else to consider?
    God bless, Christine

  • Lana

    I’d lived my whole life in Houston, and it had, for the most part, been fun and interesting. But as 40 approached, I found myself singing the Peggy Lee song, “Is That All There Is”. I needed to change something. Move to another apartment? (been there) Change jobs? (Done that) Get another boyfriend? (Yawn) And then a siren song came via a old friend living in the San Francisco Bay Area. So I stored my stuff, packed my tap shoes, and drove to CA. I’ll skip the details but what an adventure! Fun, painful, lonely, hilarious, gorgeous – wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Now, 25 years later, I’m back in TX with my CA-born husband to be near my daughter and granddaughter. I’ve just celebrated my Medicare birthday and am still in a mild state of shock. I’m fluffier than I used to be, but my hair is still red and will remain so. I laugh every chance I get at almost everything. The beauty of age is to realize that I no longer give a flying rat’s ass what anyone else thinks. I am proud to be an OWL (Old White Lady). And wonder of wonder, I am blossoming.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Reading all of these comments makes me feel like I really need to get my butt moving and find myself a mid-life crisis. I’m 47 years old and haven’t really DONE anything to relieve the anxiety of being this old. The key is in the DOING.

  • Well! Since you ask…

    … last year I girded my loins VERY tightly (and fashionably, natch) and applied to two graduate schools (well, first I spent a month moaning about how horrible my essays were and how useless it all was and WAAAAH, they’ll HATE me and REJECT me) and was, to my utter surprise, accepted to both. Then a month ago I purchased my plane ticket (which is how you make it real) and after a summer of adventures I am flying to Yorkshire to start my master’s program.

    In between rejoicing and re-planning how to fit my entire whole life into two suitcases I have been making a cozy and remarkably well-appointed nest under the dining room table suitable for panic attacks.

    Does that meet the MBMC specs?

  • Hector Firebrand

    I have to admit ive had more than my share of mid-life crisis’ (crises?). It seems like as soon as I recover my corpse I have the quick idea of wanting a racecar red llama and a flashy castle on the beach before another earth elemental squashes me.

  • Bravo! I did the opposite for my midlife crisis—sold the house that I’d painstakingly renovated and paid off. Well, it’s all about change for the better, however that pans out on an individual basis. Anyway, fantastic writing—I dig your style!