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MOVING PICTURES (No part 2! No cliff hangers! Absolutely whole and complete!)

I KNOW I AM BAD AND A PINK SOCKER OF THE LOWEST VARIETY. In my defense I am stuffing everything I own into boxes. WE CLOSE ON THE NEW HOUSE TOMORROW.

Here are two SLIPS, like a bookie would hold, and if I do not make good on these you can print them out, wad them up in your mouth, get some sort of tube and then SPIT them at me at Decatur Book Fest.

I.O.U. Cussing, Part 2, Maisy Says the B Word.

I.O.U. Sloughing Part 2, When Your Dogs Will Not STOP Being Metaphors.

I must go throw most of what I own at GoodWill now, but first I have to share two pictures. One is a fruit pig. LOOK!

I LOVE the fruit pig. I had a fruit BASKET with pears on it, all wicker and nice, and then last year we went out of town for 9 days and FORGOT about some oranges and they deflated and bloated and died in the basket, creating fuzzy FRUIT ROT SPOTS on the wicker, like a PERMA MOLD that could only be cured by amputation. BUT! If you amputate the bottom of a basket you get a sort of woven wicker ring with a handle. That’s nice. I guess. But it does not really HOLD FRUIT so much.

So since then we had to set our fruit all naked on the counter, or in a BOWL, like SAVAGES, for MONTHS.

As I prepped to move, I unearthed this CLAY BAKING PIG I bought AGES ago to bake special things in and then never once used because I apparently do not bake special things. I just bake REGULAR crap that can go in a non-farm-animal-shaped pan.

I unearthed him from some hideyhole or another and now he is fruit pig. Baskets are SO last year. (Yes, I know not to put the bananas by the apples—it ripens them too fast. The bananas usually sit separate but Fruit Pig looked sad with only apples, so I let him hold the nanners for the picture.)

(Also, look how he anthropomorphized himself into Fruit Pig, with caps and no article, in the course of a few little sentences. What an EXCELLENT brave sentient friend and guardian of produce! GO FRUIT PIG! FRUIT PIG FOREVER.)

Also, prepping to move. I had to order new return address labels. Which was VERY fun. I got kinda moddy spotty ones for the whoel family and little grean and yellow apple streaky things for me. Here is a label I did not choose. Because it is unfortunate:

I cannot tell which way that woman is FACING, even. The skirt and legs look like her backside, and the blouse looks like her frontside, her arms are ambiguous at BEST (is her hand on her hip? or does her lower BACK hurt?) and her malformed head does not help orient. But none of this matters, does it. NO.

because you cannot look away from her…protuberance? Ze Frank would know what that was. But we do not. We must take a vote. Does she have a huge square pink penis or is she is putting a ruler in her butt? YOU DECIDE! But either way, this is not the statement I wish to make about myself on my return address labels.

19 comments to MOVING PICTURES (No part 2! No cliff hangers! Absolutely whole and complete!)

  • Aimee

    She realizes how badly she’s been drawn, and that’s a giant pink eraser that she is going to use to erase and try to make herself look less like Meryl Streep after that unfortunate fall down the stairs in Death Becomes Her.

    ps i love Fruit Pig and good luck with the move!

  • JulieB

    Well, I can’t think of anything clever to say about a clutch purse, so I’ll just wish you all the best this week! And, Yay, Fruit Pig!

  • This is why REAL graphic artists go to ART SCHOOL and learn how to commit ACTUAL DESIGN.

    It is quite clear that an accountant designed this woman. I think his mother is probably proud that he took off his green eyeshade long enough to draw something that looks sorta like a girl (because frankly she has had her doubts about whether he maybe likes boys better), but she is blinded by mother-love on top of her already poor eyesight and we can’t trust her.

    The pink thing? Pistol case. That poor misbegotten she-thing is going to put herself out of her misery, if she can get her hands pointed in the right direction.

  • Also, Fruit Pig is the keenest!

  • A large, pink, SQUARE penis would be unfortunate for ANYONE because, though pink-ish, square pegs do not go smoothly into round holes. *rim shot*

  • And, also, I commented on FB that I hope Fruit Pig does not give Sam nightmares. . .although now that he is a teen-aged boy, he might not so much MIND biting something that came FROM a pig as much as he minded dreaming that “the black pig bite my leg.”

  • Kathy

    Hahahaha! I sooo enjoy your blog! You make me laugh so hard sometimes! Thank you!

  • Love the fruit pig. I need an upgrade…I just have a boring ceramic bowl from Target.

    The pink thing? I think it might be a DEVICE with batteries that she got at the Adult Megastore. Whether she is using it on her front or back is for us to decide. (May the force be with you in the move.)

  • Sandy, I think we have the same fruit bowl. I now know that I have been sadly lacking in any creativity or imagination when picking out fruit bowls and/or baskets. Thank God for you Joshilyn! I WILL have a new fruit bowl/basket/bucket/bin/bra/basin/bag by the end of the week or die trying! And I didn’t even know that nanners and apples need to segregated!

    I like the label-“girl”…she’s totally keeping her options open! She can be anything from a respectable librarian ready to smack your head if you try to stick books down your pants to a hot, packing transgendered gal on the prowl. Personalities are free so why stick with just one. Where can I get labels like these?

  • DebR

    I <3 the Fruit Pig. (And am impressed that he's full because I seem to remember that you are not particularly a fruit fan. Or did I dream that?)

    I think Label Girl is facing forward, but she is bubble-hipped and unevenly-flat-chested and she appears to have a broken neck, even though she doesn't seem nearly as concerned about that third item as I think she should be. I also think she's holding a Pink Sock Case, although I do not want to think at ALL about what she's doing with it.

    Hope the closing & the Boxing of Stuff goes great!

  • Gaylin

    I believe she is putting a pink ruler up her butt. Why you ask? Because she likes it that way . . .

    I do like the Fruit Pig, easily cleanable when forgotten (forbidden) fruit goes bad, all evil and squishy.

  • BANANAS give off ethylene, which causes ripening, and in ALREADY ripe fruit can cause rottage and EARLY over-ripening. ON THE OTHER HAND! If you get a hard Avocado and have no paper bag, you can snuggle it in among the bananas and get to eat it sooner

    Deb you are correct, I am not a huge fan of fruit. I prefer vegetables. But I gave birth to a couple of fruit bats. I have to keep the pig full for them.

  • Mindy

    Is it just me or does it look like someone has asked “her” to turn her head and cough?

  • Mott

    Yes. It’s a pink ruler. A hot-pink ruler that doesn’t have any cracks in it yet. But it will soon be in a crack. Which means he has his back to us. I think it’s a man in a corset and a wig. Or maybe that’s his real hair. I’ve been staring at this picture for a while now, and the only concrete thing I can hope for is that I hope those are jelly bracelets and I hope they glow in the dark. That way, we can always tell where his hand is. If I bought this label, I wonder what kind of message I’d be sending. Maybe something like, “Hello. I’m open to anything. See that? See it? I love everybody. Love them. Love them so much, I advertise how much I accept people on my outgoing mail.” Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a bad choice.

  • Jessica (the celt)

    There are…no words, really, for what is going on there. I immediately thought “tampon,” but I’ve never seen one that shape OR size before. The stink dots going out from her are unfortunate, however.

    Good luck with the move! We are signing the lease for our fourth year in this apartment, probably more than anything due to the fact that we both hate to pack and don’t want to move again. Maybe ever. When first we married, we moved four times in about three years (once to start our marriage and then on the first year, second year, and third year. We moved here on the fourth move, and I think we just petered out.) On the bright side, we have a lovely view of Lake Superior every time we step out our front door, so I really can’t complain about that.

    More than anything, enjoy that amazing kitchen of yours! THAT I’m super envious of. (I have the galley kitchen…but we’re going to be starting our seventh year of marriage soon, and every apartment has had a galley kitchen.)

  • I’m seeing 60’s swinger, of any and all orientations except gay male. No truly gay guy would EVER put green squares next to white polka dots on a turquoise skirt. I mean, seriously! Beyond that? It’s kind of oddly hypnotic, somehow.

    Good luck with the closing and the move! But don’t make me go buy pink socks to mail to you! MUST KNOW ABOUT MAISY! Although now we know what the word was, so the story must be amazing! And the dog metaphors will make my brain tumble and realign itself somehow; your writing almost always does. So cannot wait!

  • Brigitte

    Aww, love Fruit Pig already. I hope he doesn’t resent being forgotten for so long. If you’d actually used him regularly for his intended purpose, after all, his ears and snout would have cracked off from the oven heat, and he surely would have been dropped on the floor and smashed to smithereens!

  • T

    The label says to me: I have changed my address. If you don’t like it, or the pink card it came in on, take a suggestion from my label and shove it up your Cussing Part 3.

    Currently bowing to the greatness of Fruit Pig, though wondering if he needs special crating for shipping?

  • LA

    She is jabbing her own self in the booterious region with the flaming hot pink ruler to remind herself to get the blame measurements for the new drapes for the new house, By Ned, and not to forget them this time.