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Marriage Winners

Yes Virginia-of-the-Pink-Socks, there will be a Sloughing, part, two.

The RANDOM has Spoken, as you can see, and it chose the following peeps to win the new Anthology I am in, WEDDING CAKE FOR BREAKFAST:

Sarah of Blue in the Stream and Roxanne. WHOOP on you two.

As for the third copy….Here were my three favorite marriage advices

First runner up: From LA: The best tip I have, from personal experience, is to marry a man who has your back when it comes to lizards.

Scott and I heartily concur. Except I would replace the word lizards with ROACHES and he would replace it with SPIDERS. But yeah, whatever your deal is, marry someone willing to kill it for you. ESPECIALLY if it is roaches. They ALL need to be killed.

Your spouse should at LEAST be willing to carry your phobia to the garden in a Dixie cup. I am against killing lizards or spiders, because they have been known to eat roaches, and are therefore my allies in my war against my scuttle-and-clicky-footed, whisper-y winged horrors, but I get the spiders AWAY from Scott ASAP, and this is morally correct. If your spouse’s thing is a fear of heights, then I say, be prepared to murder cliffs and roofs. You could get a nail file and pare the Empire State Building down to two stories so he or she can comfortably meet you there on Valentine’s day.

Other First Runner Up: From Christine: “Never take your socks off last.”

I do not understand this advice, but it was so CONCISE and SAGE that I believed it. Is it so you can blame foot stink on the other one? I have a logical disconnect problem. It seems to me if no one can take them off LAST then no one EVER takes their socks off, and after a few years of marriage the flesh eating bacteria will eat you both from the ground up. I am being overly literal— Can someone explain it to me?

And….THE UNDISPUTED WINNER was Kristen. Because here is her advice. And it wins:

Don’t let your husband’s elderly aunt tell you on the night before your wedding about the consummation of her marriage. You don’t really need to know that “it’s okay if it doesn’t work for you the first time, honey,” or how “sometimes you need to go to the doctor and talk about it and possibly get something to help you relax.” Oh my. How does one keep a straight face during that? I’m sure it is not easy…not that *I* ever had to do that or anything…

Gratz to all three winners. I will contact you later today with prize claim info— right now I have to drag my bloated carcass to hot yoga before I stress-murder the next contractor or utilities-transfer employee or moving company rep who crosses my path.

PLEASE EXPLAIN THE SOCKS? Part of me thinks the socks you do not take off first are PINK and Christine is messing with my head.

22 comments to Marriage Winners

  • I think she means don’t take everything else off before taking your socks off. Individual advice, not couple/you-before-him advice. Watch the show “Couplings” to learn more about The Sock Gap. (And because it’s very, very funny.) It’s on Netflix. To summarize The Sock Gap, you don’t want to be standing there naked except for your socks, because “No woman wants to do the squelchy with a man wearing only his socks.”

  • However, I’m thinking that most men don’t have the same “no squelchy” rule about women wearing only their socks. So the rule should be “Never let HIM take off HIS socks last.”

    Assuming I’m interpreting correctly.

  • Julie

    Yeah, my mind went right to sex with the sock thing! It’s just weird being the last one with your socks on!

  • But the Flight of the Conchords would so disagree with the feet nudity. If you watch this video (inappropriate for the kiddos or work), you’ll see a reference to business socks. Socks are an obvious signal that it’s business time: http://youtu.be/AqZcYPEszN8.

  • Mir

    I’m sorry, “THE SQUELCHY”????!?!?!!!?

    Socks or no, I am never going to be able to get that out of my head. My poor husband.

  • rams

    Yep — guys in socks=not. But it’s all worth it for Mir’s reaction, which drew my attention to the phrase my brain otherwise tried to skim past. And now it’s stuck. Forever. Which would be a problem except that I’m laughing too hard to mind. Much.

  • rams

    And doesn’t Nuke LaLuche try to leave his socks on in Bull Durham, protesting “It’s cold in here!” To which Annie replies “You think Dwight Gooden leaves his socks on?”

  • Oh, lordy! Too funny!

  • ebethnyc

    Sorry I didn’t win the book but I *did* win w/that photo! and new term, “The Squelchy.” Gross and wonderful simultaneously.

  • I am here to explain the socks! (or, so I think). I *believe* it means that when you are getting nekkid for sexy-times, do NOT under any circumstances leave your socks on as the last item you take off. Nekkid-except-for-socks is a surefire libido-killer.

  • wow – I posted that thinking I was the first poster! Weird I missed all the other commenters somehow! 🙂

  • SueP

    I concur with the sock analysis…Never let him take his socks off last, because then, well, you may as well be with Woody Allen. And that’s a horrific thought.

  • Agreed – no clothes except socks is a bad look for any human (animals who never wear clothes can maybe look cute in only socks).

  • Or as Annie says in Bull Durham, “You think Doc Gooden leaves his socks on?”

  • I’m with everyone on the socks and sex thing. Especially dress socks. . .

    Roxanne is VERY excited about the book, ’cause YAY–another book to read!!!! Whoop!

  • Reine

    Agreed. Socks/Sex. That’s it. If you’re an aging preppy like me you learned long ago to dump the socks, and you’ll never have to worry about that gorgeous boy going down on your socks. Oh stinko. Oh shame. Naked I stand before you in my ugly socks.

  • Reine

    OK. One worse thing than mixing sox with sex. The time I did it with the cutest boy at the Actors Studio West. I looked at the wall. Oh god. I giggled. There was his mask from Planet of the Apes. I made it with a little ape. He scooched back and looked hurt. I couldn’t help it. I laughed, because there was his naked glory. And then there were his white socks and old black canvas Converse high-top sneakers. I gave up acting and went looking for better sex.

  • Jan in Norman, OK

    One of my very favorite mini-series is Oliver’s Travels (Alan Bates and Sinead Cusack). Oliver’s favorite “pick-up” line is that he knows something very funny about sex. Here, to the best of my recollection, is the “thing”: “A woman, naked except for her stockings, is a highly erotic sight. A man, naked except for his socks, is a totally ludicrous sight.”

    PS: If you’ve never seen this, I highly recommend it.

  • Jessica (the celt)

    Oh geez, I thought I was the only one that had the “no socks-only during” rule. My husband laughs at my apparently LACK of a sock fetish. (I don’t care if they come off first or last, but those socks are ridiculous-looking on anyone who doesn’t have other clothing on. It reminds me of old guys with shorts and long socks on with their sandals for some reason.)

    I have never heard the term “squelchy” before, but I know I will never forget it again. Oh my word!

  • Kristen

    *SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!* I can’t believe I won!! I think I embarrassed Rob by putting that up there. Heh heh! I’m crazy big time excited!!!

  • Kristen, that is an awesome story!!! LOL!! And YAAAYYYY for me! I am so very excited for the book! Yippee! Thanks Joshilyn; I can’t wait! Did I say YIPPEEE! ?!?

  • Christine

    Well, I may not have won the book, but I seem to have found a lot of people who feel the same way about “naked except for socks.” Glad to know I’m not the only one out there!

    Yipee!! First runner up!!!