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TOMORROW there will be a game. A GAME! An actual game with one picked winner who wins via righteousness and TWO random winners, who win by existing and being lucky.

All will win copies of WEDDING CAKE FOR BREAKFAST. It is an anthology. I am in it. Inside, I may or may not be waxing romantical about how I snagged the most excellent Mr. Husband in my husband trap and made him be my very own FOREVERRRRRRRRRR.

I am trying to figure out the RULES OF THE GAME, so it will be tomorrow. I love games though.

As a kid I always wanted to go on TIC TAC DOUGH with WINK MARTINDALE.

Also, I want to see the word Vivisectionalsofa as an answer for BEFORE AND AFTER on Wheel of Fortune. No one would get it. Except me. I would go on Wheel of Fortune and I would WIN that one because no one else would guess Vivisectionalsofa and I would.

Possiby because I made the word up.

Maybe not, because there is a company in New York City that exists to vivisect sofas, true facts. Because of all the walk ups, and people not being able to get the sofas up them.This company will CUT YOUR $30,000 sofa into HUNKS and then reassemble it in your new apartment

DIGRESSION: Yes, I think about 30K is what a low end crappy kind of sofa costs in Manhattan, since one time I got a coffee there and it was EIGHT FREAKIN DOLLARS. Not a latte, even. A COFFEE. That’s more than a coffee costs at the MOVIES. SO if we apply MOVIE POPCORN prices to SOFA COSTS, then a 30K sofa is just math + logic, and THAT = win. I rest my case.

I have always wanted to be on WHEEL OF FORTUNE, or really ANY game how, but I am so competitive I think it would be ugly. It being me. So ugly.

I think I would show my butt on TV. Not my REAL butt —-I don’t want to be a contestant on GAME OF THRONES, which is not actually a game, in spite of title, and which hardly needs my ancient naked butt running across it as it already easily fills its 50 naked butts per episode quota by having whole crowds of 19 year old butt models dash in and out of Peter Dinklage’s tent, pretending to be prostitutes.

I mean I would show my Spiritual Butt. (Showing your butt was what my Grandmother used to say to mean someone had behaved in awful ways in a VERY public setting.) MY WHOLE POINT BEING:

I am not pleasant to play games with, she said prepositional-ending-with-ly.


Rare photo of Tyrion Lannister with clothed women

Change, even good change, is stressful. My head might pop off before we complete this move. *beaming good natured cheery smile*

SO TOMORROW we will play a game and you will have 4 ways to enter, and 2 ways to win, and in this case the 4 + 2 will = 3 winners, because I was an English major. I am about to go make myself a salad and use valium in lieu of croutons, because I am trying not eat carbs and valium is emphatically not a carb. See? VIRTUE!

Any less pharmaceutically drastic moving survival tips????

28 comments to Vivisectionalsofa!

  • Valium croutons! Oh, I might’ve just died laughing.

  • I am fond of proof that Tyrion can be in a room with clothed women. That. Never. Happens!

    Vodka. It’s a good non-pharma way to deal with moving. And Patron Tequila. Two very good ways to deal with moving. I say, use the children. You can pack the kitchen-y breakable stuff. They can pack everything else. Oh! And a REALLY good way to move is to just load your car willy nilly without really packing anything and sort of unloading and organizing AT THE SAME TIME! See? Chock full of good ideas I am today, yes.

  • My first comment will be to bring back SOME carbs (at least) until the move is over. You will burn right through them anyway with all the stress and, you know, MOVING.

    Secondly–I SO want to read that book!!!!

  • Linda J

    Hire packers and Movers…Then unpack one room at a time…While drinking ALOT.

  • I LOVED your story in the antho. Loved loved loved. 🙂

    also this post made me laugh so hard. It’s mean of me, but I love when you’re stressed cos you’re even funnier. See? MEAN.

    Also I WISH I were moving in three weeks. :stabs lease:

  • I moved for the first time in twenty years last Sept.

    1. Have a designated MUST LOAD LAST/UNPACK FIRST box loaded with things like toilet paper, coffemaker and coffee and cups, vodka (no cup needed) and pet food.
    2. Have someone else pet and/or kid sit for the actual moving day.
    3. If using movers, flirt with them and let them know up front you tip well.
    4. Pay someone to clean the new place before you move in.
    5. Mark boxes on at least two side and top with the room to which it belongs. If you are me, number the box and keep a stack of numbered papers listing the stuff that is IN that box.
    6. Do not use evil newspaper to wrap dishes. Shell out for actual packing paper. Not having to wash all the dishes is worth it.

    Pick up the Slick Move Guide by Jodi Velasquez. Inexpensive, but lots and lots of good tips.

  • Chris of the Woodwork

    It has been so very long since we last moved that we will simply have to burn the house down and start over should it ever happen again.

    But I do remember labelinglabelinglabeling as in “KITCHEN DRAWER #1” or “MASTER BEDROOM (1 of 82)” in order to keep it all semi-less crooked.

    Envying the house and how clean it is to begin with…not envying the actual MOVE. *patpatpat*

  • JulieB

    Hire movers. Seriously.
    Also, when decluttering (which there never is enough time when you move, but will save stress later, blah blah blah), ask yourself “Do I LOVE this? Do I LOVE it enough to dust it forever?” Those questions changed my life forever. That and the BBC series “The Life Laundry.” I found an episode on YouTube last night to get me in the right frame of mind for my end of the semester clean-and-purge. Watch one where people have to deal with emotional ties, because those are the hardest.
    Hang in there. It’s going to be Wonderful. 🙂

  • Karen

    I lived in Alabama for four years and learned to love the phrase “show your butt.” it was perfect, especially at the Winn Dixie.

  • Show your butt is my type of saying. I’m going to use it at least once before the night is out. It shouldn’t be hard to do with the way my kids have been acting lately.

    And ice cream. Is that a carb? I think it is it’s own food group. Ice cream until you are moved and unpacked. Or Hershey’s Kisses. Only 22 calories a piece. It is the only way.

  • Jeanette in Peculiar

    Moving tips: Throw lots of crap away. Hire strong young men in sleeveless shirts to move anything heavier than the cat.

    Game tip: Require stories of snagging fantastic husbands from the most unlikely places. Because I have a chance of winning that way. I married my MAILMAN! I know everyone wants to know how that happened, right?

  • Did he ring twice?

  • I won’t be commenting on the game tomorrow because I got my own advance copy of the book (and I will read your essay tomorrow during lunch; today we had a signing and life was crazed but fun), but I want to say I love your games! And when you’re frenetic, you’re fabulous!

    Sending good thoughts and vibes for the move! I still walk around with stars in my eyes that you just up and DID it! So so so very cool and brilliant and wonderful! Yay you!

  • dramamama

    I label a few boxes “Rainy Day” and put them off in a corner somewhere, to unpack in the distant future. Nothing you need anytime soon, but little treasures that can’t be thrown away, given away, etc. And i also number the boxes and keep a clipboard with a list summing up what’s in each box….you still gotta label boxes with which room they go into, but the numbers really help when you’re unpacking or looking for something that’s still packed. And chocolate. Must have chocolate.

  • Miss B

    I stopped wanting to be on any game shows after Bob Barker retired — because I am really good at knowing how much random supermarket/drugstore items cost. And because I reallyreallyreally wanted to kiss Bob Barker. (Except I would not have been able to fake the levels of blind enthusiasm that seem to be required of Price Is Right contestants. Do real people actually jump up and down wildly when they are excited about things? I don’t think I have ever jumped up and down in excitement.) I have this nagging fear, though, that if I _were_ ever on a game show, I would just say really inappropriate things, helplessly. Like I know if I were on Jeopardy and I didn’t know the answer to something I would probably just say something like “What is nobody motherfucking cares, Alex”. Or during Final Jeopardy, if I didn’t know the answer (or maybe even if I did…) I would write in “Suck it, Trebek!”, just to hear him read it out loud. (I wonder if he would.) ((I really, really wonder if he would.)) I would start watching Wheel of Fortune if the answers were anything like vivisectionalsofa, though.

  • danica

    As a northerner who married a southerner, I spent my first few months in Alabama listening to in- laws talking about otherwise respectable friends and colleagues “showing their butt” before it was explained to me by my sweet sister in law that this was not meant in the literal sense. Conversations became significantly less exciting after that.
    Best move tips I can share? Label your boxes well, get rid of anything you haven’t used in over a year and keep LOTS of chocolate handy : )
    Good luck and enjoy those croutons!!!

  • brigitte

    I . . I got nuthin.’ But really loved Miss B’s comment.

    I’m just pleasantly surprised to see any posts at all during this time, particularly valium-crouton-inspired ones!

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I LOVE English major math. It was the kind of math that I studied too.
    Anticipation anxiety is the worst. Repeat to yourself in a calm voice: “I am moving in three weeks”, and stop screaming in your brain I AM MOVING IN THREE WEEKS. Tell yourself: “it will get done. One way or another it will get done.” Set aside some time each day to pack stuff but don’t whip yourself into a frenzy trying to be super organized and super prepared. Regular organized is acceptable. Even less-than-organized is acceptable. It will get done.

  • kimberlyHdM

    Hire. Professional. Movers. Excellent ones with lots of stars from Angie’s list or Kudzu or whatever. It’s worth it.

    For hanging clothes, keep them on hangers and put a giant black contractor-size garbage bag over clumps of them. Poke the coat hanger handles through the top. Transport said clumps to sexy new Decatur bungalow and hang them in petite closets. Strip away bags. Have a ginormous liquor drink while reflecting on your efficiency. Then go out to Cakes & Ale feeling saucy.

  • elizabeth

    Fortitude for you!

    My sympathies on the stuff accumulation. We live in Brooklyn (priced out of Manhattan) (and may soon be priced out of our current place) and I know the sofa guy of whom you speak. He’s amazing–it’s quite surgical, if not exactly sterile. Our sofa has only had two surgeries. The thing is, they use screws, so the Manhattanite’s $30,000 sofa becomes an Ikea piece. I asked him to use bolts for the last move, being a sort of do it myself type, and both he and my husband shot me down.

    Oh well. Enjoy having halls, doors, and stairwells wider than your sofa! And the Valium!

  • Tequila Cookie Chris

    In addition to labeling your boxes, hang a sign on each room so your movers can easily match boxes marked “bedroom 1” to actual “bedroom 1.” It’s a lot easier if you don’t have to direct them for every.single.box. If you have the luxury of access to the new house before the big moving day, cart a bunch of stuff over in your car every time you visit, little stuff that’s easier not to pack. Oh, and leave all your hanging clothes on hangers, but don’t go to the expense of a hanging box, just get a big box, fold in two, and throw on the rack at the new house. Lastly, have a cooler packed with snacks and medicinal beverages for you and be sure to know where your local Subway is so you can get the movers lunch.

  • DebR

    Here in Kentucky you hear people comment all the time about someone “showing him/herself” when they behave badly in public, but I’ve never heard it phrased “showing his/her BUTT” – that is BETTER!! I think I will try to move that phrase into Kentucky. Wish me luck!! 😀

    And related to what Michelle-who-is-Shelley said about a phrase to repeat in your head – one of my favorite phrases to say to myself about something that is stressing me out (it’s a phrase both my boss & I use a LOT for major work events) is, “in xx days-or-hours this will be in the past.” Because really, no matter how major or stressful something is, if you keep reminding yourself that one way or another, it will be DONE in 21 days (or whatever) and that 21 days is not a heck of a lot in the overall number of days in your life, it’s rather calming. Of course, probably not as calming as valium croutons. Or tequila. But still!!

  • AND, my Momma didn’t say BUTT, so she said, “stop showin’ your tail.” Tail having a dual meaning–a southern euphimism for butt and also insinuating that you are a little demon with a tail. I was told that once or thrice.

  • Aimee

    Ooh, I feel your pain. I hate moving. Hire movers if you can, it’s worth the money. Also, what works for me when my job is utterly batshit crazy (which is EVERY day, lately) is making a to-do list and putting some really easy quick things right at the top so I can blaze through them and feel all virtuous and productive. I cross them off, snick snick snack, and then I feel SLIGHTLY more ready to handle the big things. Even slightly is better than not at all.

    I was an English major, too, so I see nothing wrong with your math.

    And finally, Miss B, please go on Jeopardy! Please??? I so want to know if Alex Trebek would read that. I heard the funniest interview with him the other day after he announced he might be retiring — one of the morning shows here called and he agreed to an interview, and then he spent about 15 seconds saying that he didn’t understand and that everybody needed to calm down. And then he hung up on them. It was awesome.

  • Kacie

    Label boxes by room. Keep at least 1 roll of toilet paper unpacked, because that’s the first thing you’ll need at the new place and you don’t want to suffer the consequences of not heeding this advice. If you keep your clothes in a dresser instead of closet, don’t pack them into boxes. You’ve got to pull the drawers out to move the dresser frame anyway, so if you leave the clothes in the drawers they’re already packed! Make 1 section of both the old and new house the “animal room” (depending on your location). Clear it out first and then give your pets run of that area so that nobody escapes when you have the outside door propped open. You also won’t need to worry about tripping over them when your hands are full. Supervise the kidlets well when packing their stuff, because most will pack everything and won’t let any of their old toys go (even when they no longer play with them). This may or may not also be true with Husbands, but yours doesn’t seem like the type. Making donations to Goodwill or the Salvation army is a quick way to purge a lot of unwanted stuff, without feeling guilty about just throwing it in the garbage. But, don’t be afraid to just chuck stuff in the garbage either if you know for sure you won’t use it at the new place. Lastly, try to use up as much of your groceries before you move as you possibly can. Make casseroles in disposable cookware for the neighbors if that’s what it takes. Your cooler is not going to be large enough to transport it all. Good luck!

  • Kacie

    One more…don’t buy boxes. Find out what day your favorite store has their “truck day”. More often than not, they’ll be willing to unload as many boxes on you as you can stand. It saves room in their compactor so they don’t have to empty it as often.

  • Jan in Norman, OK

    The very first thing you do in the new house is make the beds. That way, at the end of a very long day, everyone can just collapse.

  • Patti D.

    First, let me say congratulations! I use to read & post comments regularly but then I had a kid, moved, & got extremely busy at work. So I missed 2-3 years of FTK. But I am back and thoroughly enjoying catching up on your posts. I was very excited to see that you are moving and your new place is gorgeous.

    Being a military spouse, we move every 4 years. Everyone’s advice is wonderful. Here’s my 2 cents:

    1) Toilet Seats – One of the first things we do in every new house is replace the toilet seats. Even if I have someone come in and clean the new place (or do it myself) before we move in, I don’t know where the previous owners bum has been, except on those toilet seats. So think about heading to your local Home Depot or Lowe’s and picking up new toilet seats so you can have a nice clean place to “show you butt,” literally.

    2) In your box(es) of first things to be unpacked:
    – Not only pet food & bowls but also a toy or blanket that will immediately make them comfortable or feel at home.
    – Make sure you have lamps and lightbulbs. We got to our current home in the late evening and had lamps but couldn’t find the light bulbs. Luckily had flashlights handy.
    – Toiletries, shower curtains, towels, sheets & favorite pillow(s). That way no matter where you are in the unpacking process at the end of the day, you will be able to make the beds and get clean.
    – At least one change of clothes per person. That way if you don’t get to unpacking all your clothes by the end of day one, you know you have clothes that can be easily located.

    Good luck with your move & all the prep that goes into that