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Things I Want to Put Into My Brain Using The Sensory Input Nodes in My Eyes and Ears

FIRST, a response to a comment on last week’s blog entry. Let me say, Cakeburnett, I appreciate your deep desire to NOT end a sentence in a preposition, especially one about my tiny dog. That is something up with which she will not put.

Ansley is a grammar Nazi, and if you muck about with THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH she gets upset and nibbles holes in my sheets. (True fact.) Just last week, someone split an infinitive in her presence, and she pooped in the guest room. SO, for you! The proper way to write the sentence would be:

“I myself do verily owneth a rug formed exactingly thussish, as thine rug upon which yonder Ansley is be-sitting.”

You are welcome.

LOOK, Here is Arcadia by Lauren Groff and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson.

With my eyes I want to see the books in this picture. I want to see these books preferably word by word, beginning with the top, leftmost word on page one, moving down line by line left to right, flipping the pages until I have seen ALL the words, ending with the far right word on the last page.

These look like books that, between them, will hit all the weird nooks and deepest crannies in my brain’s pleasure center. One book may lack taxidermied mice, for example, but it will make it up to me by paying out a failed utopia in spades. I suspect both books will feature dirty hippies at some point. SO! I will look at these books with my eyes, one after another, or perhaps concurrently. Then I will be happy.

I also want to put this movie in my eyes and also ears:

I also want disc 4 in this TV series, MAIL IT NETFLIX, MAIL LIKE THE WIND, because I love Peter Dinklage a wrongful amount, and also Borimir, and also, okay look, this series is what Scott and I call pRon because I think pRon is ANYTHING gratuitous and oooooh but there is some SUPER gratuitous throat slitting and head lopping and gouty splashing of unbridled bloods, and also gratuitous decorative naked ladies sprouncing about tra la tra la whoops my boobages seemed to have escaped me bodice TEE HEE, these ladies say, for no reason other than to titillate BUT

THANK YOU Game of Thrones for letting them all be real actual human boobies instead of fake ones. THANK YOU. Please keep this NO FAKE HOOTERS stance in your fantasy medieval landscape where there are NO plastic surgeons. I do not want my suspension of disbelief to be SO violated that I have to say to myself, SELF, I have to say, I am SURE that brothel inmate has SORCELLED herself up those bolt-ons by visiting the great booby-dragon-shrine. Anyway, I want to see the next eps, blood and boobs and all, with my eyes. NOW:


FAIRIES should send me the Jenny Lawson book IMMEDIATELY, because the dern thing is refusing to be released for, like, 2 more weeks or something stupid. Stupid TIME. STUPID fairies.

Pls remit sedatives.

23 comments to Things I Want to Put Into My Brain Using The Sensory Input Nodes in My Eyes and Ears

  • OHMYGOODNESS! Game of Thrones is SO GOOD! I recommend reading the large tomes themselves because…holy crap Tyrion is AMAYZING and ARYA and JON SNOW. Yes! pR0nz indeed.

    And, well, I agree with all of the above. Just you know, cuz sometimes validation makes it all worth it.

  • You may not have disc four because I am currently hoarding disc four from Netflix. I had to confess to my beloved that I am deeply in love and slightly obsessed with Peter Dinklage also. I had offered to watch these discs with him (my beloved, not Peter Dinklage sad to say) but he declined. It wasn’t until disc four this weekend that he realized that he was missing all manner of naked women and took a sudden interest in the show.

  • I have managed to get my sneaky hands on an advanced ecopy of Jenny’s book and lo I declare it the funniest book ever to be taken in through the eyes into the brain mush.

  • Shelley S

    Sanity is overrated, sayeth the insane

  • Brigitte

    Ha, the ACTUAL boobage is something I always note in Mad Men, as well.

    I MUST read the mousie-covered book, as the mere cover as ensnared me. And now you made me have to watch that movie, too. Sadly, we go to bed about the same time as our seven year old, so we have missed out on many, many awesome movies over the last few years. 🙁

  • I wish I had Jenny’s book as well! She makes me laugh every single day! Game Of Thrones….oh yeah!

  • Aimee

    Um… do you have HBO? Because if you have HBO, as of last night, anyway, they have the entire first season of GoT up on On Demand. I know this because my husband and I tore through the ENTIRE SEASON in two days so that we could start watching new episodes. It’s SO GOOD. I extra-especially love that the female characters are so strong and interesting. It is so violent that it makes Deadwood look like City Slickers, and yet I love it.

  • ebethnyc

    I passed Sir Dinklage on the street one day and got to quick-whisper that I love him in Game of Thrones. Which was stupid b/c I love him in everything! (make Netflix send you The Station Agent if it hasn’t already.)

  • cakeburnette

    Oh.my.stars. I checked your blog just now and about DIED when I saw you responded to me directly in your post. This has made my entire MONTH. And, since I, too, am the proud owner of an advance copy of The Bloggess’ book, I am willing to send it to you in gratitude. Just as soon as I pry it out of the hands of my two teenagers. But they read fast and they are off for spring break, so I’m sure you would have it very quickly. I just live 2 hours south of you. Not that I would stalk you or anything. Promise. I’ll use the USPS. 🙂

  • Aimee

    Oh, I ***LOVE*** The Station Agent. ebethnyc, that is a recommendation worth its weight in gold.

  • Peggy Fry

    Have you ever read The Blogess’s site? Oh my stars… much hysterical giggling and wonderment happens. The book should only be as good.

    Her blog entries about the giant metal chicken earned me nasty glances and comments from co-workers as I became hysterical reading them….

  • DebR

    The Ansley Grammer Lessatorium reminds me of this (The Three Little Pigs, Shakespeare-style):


    If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a look. I think Ansley would approve. 🙂

  • DebR

    Oh good grief, I hope Ms. A isn’t troubled by spelling as well as grammAr. Sigh…

  • I think you might want to bring the giraffes back. I think a dose of horse squared might help with the MI #. This novel promises to be a DOOZY.

  • Crazy thing, I just got Jenny’s book ON AUDIO. TODAY! WITHOUT MY HAVING EVER ASKED. I should go play the lottery I think. (She narrates it herself.) I’m going to have to divert from my regularly scheduled listening, after I finish The Fault in Our Stars for her. It will be fun.

  • KimberlyHdM

    Arcadia rocks! Dirty hippies and dystopian overtones and jeweled shards of writing fabulousness….I like it, okay. So much that I went and read Delicate Edible Birds ( her collection of short stories) and The Monsters of Templeton. Happy reading!

  • Brigitte

    Or maybe it was the boobage in “Boardwalk Empire” I was thinking of . .

  • Just read your interview on Mommy Booknerd (was it?). I nearly snorted tuna fish through my nose (as I was eating my lunch) when I read the title for your autobiography:

    “The New Improved Staggering Toward Hope, Now With Less Cussing”


  • Have you read Arcadia yet? I just finished it, and I loved The Monsters of Templeton SO much, that I think I was disappointed by Arcadia. If I had read it without knowing who wrote it, I think I would have loved it more.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I am reading Game of Thrones because I don’t have HBO and all I keep hearing is how wonderful the show is and I don’t like missing out on all of the fun.

    Also, I am right there with you as far as Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I keep checking Amazon to see if maybe they moved up the release date….

  • Love it!! I read Game of Thrones way back when it first came out and hoped it would someday be put to film. The audiobooks are awesome! Speaking of audiobooks, that’s how I became a fan of yours. I’ve heard some authors read their own stuff and almost didn’t go there, but I was AMAZED! I wish you would read other people’s books too (for a little cash on the side maybe?). For me?

    The real bods and even a little thigh dimple on here and there, Catelyn’s weary and worried countenence, the gutteral Dothraki language, and, and, and,…I love it all. Even Tyrion is perfect in spite of not being freakishly proportioned and unattractive as he is in the book. Peter Dinklage is a hottie but more importantly, he captures the essence of who Tyrion came to be in my mind while reading.

    Please believe me when I tell you that I think your excel in your genre as much as George Martin does in his.

    I hope you will check out my blog. I’m trying to get the courage to write out loud but still have been holding it all in and just putting book reviews up. I’d be honored to have you peak in on me once in awhile.


  • Aparatchick

    Plenty o’ dirty hippies in Arcadia. I adored Monsters of Templeton (especially the coda; that was some amazing writing), so I knew I wanted to read this the minute it was released. So I downloaded it – the minute (lit’rally) it was released.

    And yeah, The Bloggess and the metal chicken? Laughed til I had tears streaming down my face. Taxidermied mice have got to be at least as good.