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The Hairy Irony

You know those magnets on the back windows of cars, or stickers? Or whatever they are? They show the family, and now that I think of it, they are mostly on vans. Anyway, they show little stick figures to represent the people in the family, and sometimes the kid ones are very specific, like one stick figure is in a tutu and one has a cap and ball, and they have dog ones now, too, and cat ones, little representations of WHO WE ARE IN A UNIT, WE THE TRIBE OF THIS VAN.

You know those?

Well, yesterday, Sara sent me an e-mail that said, “If we had a rear window decal, it would look like this,” and that was the picture she sent with it, above.

HA. It made me realize, this is the smallest menagerie I have had in YEARS. We would look like this:

Just Bagel, Ansley, and this godforsaken piece of crap demon cat (Yes, those ARE hell flames surrounding him. Also, yes, I gave him fangs.) Now that Boggart is an adult, his myriad disorders and defects are more easily diagnosed:

He is embittered, entitled, prone to hallucinations, agoraphobic, moody, weaselly, dishonest, foul, and suffers from pica (ribbons, bits of string, electrical wires, ANYTHING plastic) and pica induced vomiting (the ribbon-puke can get very festive around Christmas, and all our presents look like they caught RIBBON MANGE…)… BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, he is not a misanthrope, as it turns out.

Just a TOTAL misogynist.

HE IS. He secretes a strange affection-like substance in the presence of Sam, actively tolerates Scott, but he does not allow GIRLS to touch him. Maisy and I get a reared back head and a YOU DARE expression if we try to so much as fondle an ear in passing.

The boys are welcome to indulge in a time limited bit of scratching on rigidly defined areas of his august person, but several times a week, The Boggart BITES me and even Maisy in passing, casually, should we pass so rudely, femalely close enough that he is forced to deign to notice GIRLS exist. We touch him with our GIRL miasma, we get a little patriarichal nip to remind us we are inferior.

So we only have two actual pets and one miserable yellow infestation. We have no counter pets. No fish. No little yard lizards in for a visit. We have no spare outdoor cats we are feeding. It’s quiet here.

And I am missing Schubert.

I did not realize how much until I went out this weekend and got a DOG BED, a comfy plush red thing, and put it near my desk for Ansley. She has been lounging kinda BEHIND me on the rug as I work, and I wanted to move her more BY my feet, where I could see her, lean down and give her a pet every now and again. She is excellent company.

(Bagel snoozes on the welcome mat in the foyer, guarding the office door, and here we understand the word “guarding” to mean “farting so vehemently that no miscreant-evil-doer can penetrate the virulent cloud to gain office entry.”)

I realized, maybe two hours after I had INSTALLED the bed, that I had put into the EXACT spot where Schubert used to lie. HEH.

Just after Schubert died, we had to get our ancient hardwoods in the downstairs refinished, and I had them go ahead and take out the office carpet and make THAT be wood, too. So the place Schubert used to lie is not comfy now. I got the bed because in my undermind, I wanted to get Ansley to move to the beloved animal slot.

Of course, it did not work out. Ansley HATES the bed. Views it with suspicion and mistrust. It is clearly a DOG EATING VORTEX BED. She has stayed in her carpet spot behind me….And this is inevitable result:

Yes that smug piece of yellow crap has planted his vile anus in the EXALTED SCHUBERT SPOT. Upside? If I need to get disdainfully bitten, at least he is readily to hand and available. Yay, she said in a voice as flat and cold and bleak as Kansas in midwinter.

The upshot is, I am trolling the internet, looking at the cat pR0n. I need a bigger theoretical van window decal. Word.

28 comments to The Hairy Irony

  • Kathy

    Oh lordy! You crack me up!

  • Mr. Husband

    We gave him a pink metal nametag in the shape of a heart. It is pictured in the last photo. It hasn’t really helped his personality much. I would have gone for the soul shaped tag instead, as he doens’t seem to have one of those either, but we weren’t sure what shape those should be.

    On the plus side, he does seem pleased with the offering of a plush cat lounge. If I am reading his expression correctly he has decided to let Joshilyn live, for now. Or at the very least, he has decided to eat her last.

  • Aimee

    Yeah, you need another cat. Maybe a lizard. Some newts? Something.

    I’m scared of Boggart.

  • One of our kitties died yesterday. Pocus was the fat cuddly cat. He appears to have curled up for a nap and died in his sleep. Though, he was only 2 years old. His brother now wanders the house crying and has actually started cuddling with us. Hocus was never a cuddler.

  • Jen H.

    Ah, I love you. I have a fat useless can I can give you. She loves to be petted by all and sundry, but she is not a lap cat. As a bonus, she poops on the floor instead of the litter box. She is also so fat that when she lies on her side her top feet dangle in the air because they cannot reach the ground around her enormous bloated middle. We inherited her, and I do not love her. She deserves to be loved. I’m happy to ship her to you, and I’ll even pay up front instead of COD…

  • Oh my! This made me laugh too much! My sticker would have a crazy Person-Dog-Cat trio. I actually think Percy (the girl cat with a boy’s name) should be first as she is the Queen. She has been a good sport over the years–tolerating 4 moves, and 5 furry additions over her years with me. I thought I might have finally crossed the line when I brought home canine Oakley a few weeks after canine Spencer had died. I got the sideways-halloweencat-plumedtail-hiss that day. Oakley’s multitude of neuroses are still in the diagnostic phase.

    Maybe some well-fitted leather driving gloves while you work?

  • Donna

    Aww, maybe Boggart is trying to change his ways! Well, probably not…at least he’s more comfortable now. I’d be happy to send you one of our cats for a while – we have 3 dogs, 4 or 5 cats (depends on if my daughter brings over her “piece of crap” cat), and 2 parrots. Actually, I’ll send the parrots!

  • Poppy

    He clearly loves you and simply does not know how to properly express his affection. Perhaps he needs to attend Biter’s Anonymous.

  • Heather, my condolences. Poor Pocus. Poor Hocus.

    And Joshilyn, beware of Petfinder. You’ll end up with more cats than windows.

  • Leslie Noon

    I am so sorry. I am also sorry to admit that I laughed at the picture. When faced with such heavy-handed irony, laughter is inevitable.
    -Leslie, in Hiawatha

  • Linda J

    Omg that is the perfect picture of the demon cat with eye’s aglow. You may even need cowgirl boots should that thing decide to try to taste your ankles while working.

  • Beth Still

    Why I think he looks sweet and precious and ever so loving! Surely you are making all of this up!

  • Just today I saw a car with the sticker family on it where they were all wearing Mickey Mouse ears, including the dog. It made me feel a bit ill.

    On the other hand, I laughed about the ones childless people can get, that have adults and then a pile of cash where the kids would be!

  • Jill S. in B'ham

    Aw – I like that Boggart took that spot – there is clearly something that is torturing his soul – my parents had an evil cat like that – she only loved my mother – I would give him a chance – maybe nice Schubert vibes will help Boggart.
    Have you watched the Animal Planet show – My Cat from Hell? it cracks us up! Sometimes has good tips.

    You will continue to miss Schubert – I had a cat that I still think I see every once and a while – still miss him when I have the house to myself – even with our current kitty.

  • ZOMG! Vile anus! This post by far wins the belly laugh award for the day! My entire family thinks Momma’s Kitten is the devil cat. But he is Momma’s Kitten so he shall remain the king. (See you Friday!)

  • Sara

    I am fostering a litter of kittens for the Humane Society when we get back from Spring Break. Actually, probably successive litters through kitten season. I could totally hook you up. And you KNOW I am excellent at choosing cats.

    But I think you need a little pug-nosed floppy-eared pooch to go with. I can probably hook you up there, too. Heh.

    There’s a reason my rear window decal is so looooooooong.

  • Chris of the Woodwork

    Am I the only one who is gosh-darned AMAZED at the artistic talent of these writer-type geniuses?

    Would that I could draw such a family and still have it be recognizable!

  • ebethnyc

    So nice to have you back (but of course you’re still missing Schubert).
    I L O V E your family illustration!! ESP Bagel and the hell cat. Got that instantly.
    Perhaps an adorable little kitten might make the yellow demon think twice. Didn’t that happen in some Looney Tunes cartoon?

  • Brigitte

    I’m afraid Boggart would eat an adorable little kitten.

    I do love the extra Bagel detail in the drawing, so we can’t POSSIBLY not know which one he is!

    I’ve always thought, with those stickers, that I wouldn’t want to be advertising the exact human contents of my vehicle to all and sundry. You never know what psycho is there going “MWA HA Haaa, I see they have a scrumptious little girl.” :-O

  • DebR

    Any chance you could switch the positions of the rug that Ansley likes with the bed that she doesn’t? (Although why I even suggest that I don’t know – it would never work with my furbabies. But maybe your furbabies are more reasonable than mine? Ahem.)

    Also, while you’re trolling the cat pR0n, I propose that maybe you need 2 new kitties for your imaginary window decal, not just one, so that EvilDemonKittyBoggart is outnumbered. Otherwise I worry a bit for TheoreticalFutureCat, especially if you happen to fall in like with a GIRL kitty, which would probably annoy EDKB immensely. Then again, maybe he’d be perverse enough to be crazy about her – you never can tell!

    PS…At one time, for my imaginary window decal, I’d have drawn my EvilDemonKittySky EXACTLY like you drew Boggart. He’s an old man now though & I think he’s mellowed with age from virulently evil to merely frequently annoying. I may be deluding myself though, because my husband says he’s still totally evil to everyone except me. Heh.

  • Lora in Florida

    I have a cat (CeCe) that only loves boys too. The hubby and my sons can pick her up, carry her around, love on her, etc, etc, etc. Yet who cleans out the litter and gives her food??????
    Then we have a cat (Bambi) that loves only me. And pees on the furniture when she isn’t given enough love. No one knows how much love that is. Sometimes I pet her all night and she still pees on the furniture. Sometimes I completely ignore her and she is ok with that.

    The hubby did not want to get a dog because as we have 4 boys, he said there is enough peeing on the floor already. Now we are considering it. I might as well just take up peeing on the floor, too.

  • Mr. Husband answered my question. . .I was going to ask if that was a pink heart name tag around Boggart’s neck, and to quote Phineus and Ferb, “Why, yes. Yes it is.” I was wondering if that might be what has him in such a foul mood–but I think it was at least a good try at finding him a soul. I remember when he was precious and golden and nursed your earlobes. I am sorry he is such a diabolical kitty–on the upside, your picture is HILARIOUS. So was Sarah’s. I much prefer yours to the ones I see in front of me on the freeway–gassy dogs and demonic cats are truth. If you weren’t award-winning, NYTBS authors, I’d suggest you set up an Etsy shop and market THOSE family stickers.

  • Sorry I misspelled Sara. All my Sarahs have aitches on the end.

  • JMixx

    Okay, the Boggart drawing with its poinky ends and fangs is funny, but what really got me was the Farting Beagle with the “voice”-bubble saying, “brrrt.”

    I have heard that the size, shape, and aggressiveness of the dog is not what is important in deterring burglars. If burglars can detect that a dog is present AT ALL, they will, according to the sources I have read, cower in fear and choose the home of someone who is not be-dogged, as an easier target.

    If it is true that what is truly important is that the burglars-to-be know that you have at least one dog, then Bagel is “guarding” plenty. Few will mistake the aroma.

  • JMixx

    P.S. (I know, I can never say everything the first time) It’s too bad that, with his tigerish stripes and treacherous attitude, the he wasn’t re-christened “Siegfried.” Then you could privately call him “Faggot.”

  • Scottsdale Girl

    I bought 3 large dog beds at the expense of about a week’s worth of groceries and not ONE DAMN DOG will LAY UPON THEM., however. the CATS – who can lay on the bed or the couch or my head or anywhere really? Yep, on the dog beds. OY

  • Aimee

    Heather, I’m so sorry about Pocus. 🙁 I hope you and Hocus feel better soon.

  • cakeburnette

    I love your decal. I will buy one if you do indeed open an Etsy store for “realistic” family decals. Oh, and I have that exact same rug that Ainsley is sitting upon. And I haven’t had enough coffee yet to be able to figure out how to rearrange that sentence so that it doesn’t end with a preposition.