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The Incredibly Disappointing Movie Ballerina Sex-Love Playa Fallacy Comparison

So I noticed that the two main ballerinas in BLACK SWAN had made almost exactly the same movie, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS and NO STRINGS ATTACHED in which Natalie Portman OR Mila Kunis, but not respectively, has convenient but contractually loveless sex with Justin Timberlake or Ashton Kutcher, but not respectively, and they all four OF COURSE fall for each other, but in PAIRS, not a Big Love way, because while that is a near-perfect example of exactly how love does not work, it IS how chick flicks work.

Interestingly, my theory is that chick flicks are like this for CHICKS, but not because a lot of women actually think love works like this, nor do they really wish love worked like this, but because a lot of women think that they wish love worked like this.

OH ALSO this ties into my TWILIGHT theory, of why TWILIGHT was such a huuuuuge big thing: Because the men (OKAY, Sparkley Vampires) in that book do not behave ANYTHING like how men actually are, and they do not even behave anything like how women wish men would be, but they behave exactly like women think they wish men were. That said, I listened to THE HOST on Audio and really liked it EVEN THOUGH THE MEN IN THE HOST ARE THE SAME NOBLE (but less sparkly) BREED. And here I briefly interrupt myself to give unsolicited advice:

DEAR YOUNG UNMARRIED TWILIGHT READERS,

Don’t trust a man who SAYS he luffffs you, who wants to marry you, but doesn’t try, at least a LITTLE bit, to incite you on toward the next base in whatever game of backseat baseball you are playing. Now, of course you should INSTA-DITCH any guy who starts PRESSURING you in ANY ugly or uncomfortable way, but a girl likes to be asked with…a bit of fervor.

Bluntly: If he DOESN’T want, avidly, to get into your pants, you are headed for an unhappy marriage. JUST SAYING.

Love, Me

ANYWAY, this is the dumbest premise for a movie I have ever heard, and so I could NOT believe they made it TWICE, much less starring the A list ballerinas from BLACK SWAN.

It’s like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon where Kevin is replaced by LITERALLY THE DUMBEST PREMISE FOR A MOVIE I HAVE EVER HEARD, and the degree is ONE.

So I thought I would watch both while I was wrapping presents and compare them, hence the title, but unfortunately I forgot that I very seldom enjoy Chick Flicks. OOPS. SO I watched about ten minutes of one, got bored, watched ten minutes of the other, got boreder, and put on DIE HARD which has a love story but adds in other things I really like, namely, gunplay and Alan Rickman.

Digression: If you do like Chick Flicks, more power to you. I am NOT a movie snob. Oh yea, sure, I heart David Cronenberg, and I am not afraid of subtitles, but a strong majority of the films I watch are not at ALL highbrow.

It’s just Chick Flicks aren’t my kind of fun; I like rubber puppets eating people, preferably in space. Not because I think rubber puppets eat people in space, and not even because I WISH rubber puppets would eat people in space. Not even because I think I wish they would. Just because we all have a taste for our own little pleasures, and rubber puppets are mine.

Chick flicks are not; too much QQ not enough Pew Pew.

Digression: My friend Gray James found a book review blog where the writer refers to the romantical vampire genre as “Nom Coms.” HA!

Upshot: I could not do the comparison. So I could not write the entry. I Pinked Socked my OWN self, but good.

Therefore, it falls to you to save me from this inadvertent sockery:

Did you see either movie? HAVE you heard a dumber movie premise? What was the dumbest movie premise you ever heard? Am I dead wrong and we should have a BIG DISCUSS now, because you feel this IS this how love actually works? Do you wish rubber puppets would eat SPECIFIC people? In space? Who? If Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman were playing Mary Ann and Ginger (not respectively) in a movie in space, which one should eventually blow the final rubber puppet out the airlock and survive?

20 comments to The Incredibly Disappointing Movie Ballerina Sex-Love Playa Fallacy Comparison

  • I saw the one with The Kutcher (gag) but only because I was inside a pressurized tube for 6 hours and entertainment options were limited :P Yay air travel. I generally like chick flicks, because I like brainless fluff that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, except sometimes they have the effect of a horror movie where you yell at the stupid girl/guy doing the stupid thing that’s only going to get them murdered/heartbroken.

  • I have definitely NOT seen either of the booty call movies, but I think your analysis is right-on. There is a huge difference between what girls believe about love, what they wish about love and what they think they wish about it… I think there is a huge disconnect between the emotions and desires that occur naturally and the one’s that society/the media tells people they should be feeling, or should be okay with feeling.

    I love these kinds of articles, they’re like random conversations you would have just because the thought occurred to you.

  • Oh wow. What is that avatar thing next to my name? A christmas tree with a bikini or big lips? Pride requires me to insist that is not what I look like.

  • Beth R

    I’m not big on movies anyway, but I’d say chick flicks are only one step up from the bottom of my “want to see” list. The bottom? Horror movies.

    Die Hard? Die Hard is good!

  • I am a commitment-phobe who freaks out and runs at the first sign of romance, but I LOVE CHICK FLICKS. And I loved both of these movies. I don’t know why. I don’t know if I wish guys were like Timberlake and Kutcher or if I think I wish that or what… but at the end of one of those movies, Justin’s character sets up an entire flash mob dance for Mila’s character, and I boo-whoo’d over the romantic gesture. I think MAYBE, it’s the fact that these movies are so far-fetched and the characters are so unrealistic… it’s like stepping away from reality for a lil’ bit! All I know is I go see almost every chick flick they put out there, and I eat it up like candy!

  • I saw the one with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher and I fucking loved it and it inspired me to be a better person. THERE. I SAID IT.

    The one I did not like was the one with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal. That one was ultra stupid. But “No Strings Attached” was actually funny. And sweet.

  • Melisa

    <3 Alan Rickman…

  • I pretty much like Chick Flicks. . .but I go for the ones I saw in the WAY WAY BACK when I thought that loved worked the way I wished it would work and . . .can’t follow that line of writing. It was back when I was young and virginal and just wishing I could get some LIP on a regular basis. Alas, the most romantic thing my hubs ever did for me while we were dating was endure a viewing of “Sleepless in Seattle.” Just sayin’. He had to really man up to even buy the tickets. I am now left watching documentaries on Netflix with him, and when I need a Chick Flick fix, I pull out my ‘ole trusty copy of “While You were Sleeping” or “When Harry Met Sally.” I prefer to watch alone to avoid disparaging sighs from Mr. Man. Although RECENTLY, a friend suggested “Enchanted April” which is a period flick about a bunch of 35-ish women going away WITHOUT their husbands which is much, much closer to my reality. Although all the husbands eventually showed up through happenstance and whatevs, but it was good anyway and won’t make you wish you could just stab your ears instead of watching it.

  • I did not see Black Swan. I think Natalie Portman would blow the alien puppet out the air hatch though, because HULLO–she was MARRIED to Darth Vader. Word.

  • I liked all three (most especially the one with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway, but I didn’t consider that a Rom-Com). I liked the JT/Mila Kunis one better than the Portman/Kutcher one. The one with Queen Amidala was much raunchier than the other, but I found the one with JT/Mila to be much funnier.

    I inexplicably like chick-flicks, but I’m partial to plastic puppets eating people in space, too. I, also, like movies where people break out inexplicably into song and dance in coordinated groups. What I generally don’t like, is horror movies, unless it’s by director Danny Boyle, then I will eat that shit up. Another of my favorite genres is the “becoming” whatever Super hero movie. Those are great.

    Movies, and I, are, on the whole, great friends.

  • I agree with Roxanne, Princess Leia’s mom would ROFLSTOMP some plastic puppets.

  • Anna

    A dumber movie premise is Like Water for Chocolate. He Luffs her, so he marries her SISTER so he can be near her, and she goes up to the attic to cry and make friends with pigeons. Aaaarrrrgh, I die of the stupid.

  • I prefer movies where things blow up and space aliens get butts kicked (Natalie Portman is Mary Anne and she totally kicks the alien out the door — and have you seen the previews for “Prometheus”? Wow cool!), but sometimes I like the feel-good stuff and rom/com too.

    I have willing suspension of disbelief completely built in and I’ll buy into just about anything, up until they completely bork something and then I turn into the critique monster. But I still love pretty much any Hugh Grant rom/com. No idea why, but there ya go.

  • Brigitte

    When I want utterly brainless fluff (with a large suspension of disbelief thrown in), rom-coms are fine (and instantly forgettable). Another plot done multiple times: He or She’s about to get married, when the good ol’ opposite-sex bud suddenl;y realizes it’s not just friendship but LUUUUFF!

    I really like any type of movie, including horror. I just have to get in the right mindset for certain ones, like gritty, painfully real things (Hotel Ruanda) or inane foolishness (Harold and Kumar).

    Although the 10-year-old boy in me got terribly distracted when you said “Just because we all have a taste for our own little pleasures, and rubber puppets are mine.” *Snort!*

  • “DEAR YOUNG UNMARRIED TWILIGHT READERS,

    Don’t trust a man who SAYS he luffffs you, who wants to marry you, but doesn’t try, at least a LITTLE bit, to incite you on toward the next base in whatever game of backseat baseball you are playing. Now, of course you should INSTA-DITCH any guy who starts PRESSURING you in ANY ugly or uncomfortable way, but a girl likes to be asked with…a bit of fervor.

    Bluntly: If he DOESN’T want, avidly, to get into your pants, you are headed for an unhappy marriage. JUST SAYING.

    Love, Me”

    Best advice EVER! My children, now grown, still do not quite get a mother who advises this.

  • Aimee

    I have not seen either movie. I do not MIND a chick flick, but I am old enough and have been married long enough to know that they don’t represent how things are. I am also old enough to know that while, the moon-n-June romance can be fun to watch, the real-life, take-care-of-me-when-I’m-sick and remember-that-my-cell-phone-is-charging-and-put-it-in-my-bag-for-me-before-I-leave-for-work married love is better than a princess fantasy.

    Worse movie ideas? Well, I’d be hard pressed to tell you what the IDEA was, but the other day I saw a trailer for a sequel to that ridiculous Nicolas Cage Ghost Rider piece of poo, and the dialog was so laughably bad that I hooted and wept in the theater.

  • Excellent advice for Young Unmarried Twilight Readers, of which my 16-yo daughter is one – albeit a squinty-eyed, pursed-lipped, raised-eyebrow reader. I was starting to worry SLIGHTLY about the guy she is dating; he’s rather shy, it took him eight months to ask her out, and on their first date he asked her if she’d like to go to church with him. My best gay guy friend made the AAOOOOOOGA Gay Alert Noises about this. And just as I was starting to wonder if he’d EVAH get up the nerve to kiss her, I happen to look out the window to the driveway where they were “saying goodbye” one Sunday after church together and lunch at our house together (No! Really! Just happened to!) and saw them tickling each other and smooching. The part of me that wants grandbabies someday relaxed.

    (The part of me that doesn’t want grandbabies NOW clutched its pearls in sheer panic, but that is another story.)

    Incidentally, my 13-yo son refers to Twilight as Whiny Emo Teenage Glittery Vampires. I have alllll kindsa problems with the whole Twilight schlock, but I admit that as a teenage girl, I’d have eaten it up with a SPOON>

    I like a good chick flick myself, but I so rarely indulge. When Harry Met Sally is wonderful, but that is partly because Billy Crystal Is A Genius, because he just is, and he’s cute too. And I adore Princess Bride, but that may not really be a chick flick…

    Die Hard makes me cry. I can’t take the violence. When my husband watches it, he makes sure to call me down for the Alan Rickman bits, and then I go right back upstairs. No rubber puppets eating people in space for me, either, though I do still Totally Love the original cheesoid Star Trek stuff. And movie musicals, love those.

    Natalie would kick some rubber puppet alien butt, because she is college-educated AND beautiful AND now a mother, so we know she has some guts. I get the feeling Mila might try to seduce her way out of trouble, and with aliens that probably wouldn’t work.

  • Hubby rented us Friends with Benefits. I wondered aloud why they did not just call the movie “Two Hot People Have Lots of Sex.” I liked it both more and less than expected.

  • Alan Rickman is a hottie. Amen.

    I like chick flicks because I like brain candy. But what I do not like in a chick flick is an implausible pairing. In “Knocked Up,” I am supposed to believe that a loser slacker like what’s his name ends up with a together, attractive woman like Katherine Heigl’s character? Those movies are clearly written by the men who couldn’t get a date in high school and I say that as the woman who couldn’t get a date in high school.

    I also can’t buy whiny, obnoxious characters like Billy Crystal or (ick) Woody Allen getting hot chicks. Just doesn’t happen in real life and I’m not going to pay to see it.

  • Karen in Ohio

    Although I have not seen any of the three movies, I did live the premise in the 70′s. Ahem. Yes, I had a “friend with benefits”, and foolishly (or not, as time proved) promised not to fall in love. We both did, but it didn’t work out because we were both stickin’ to the promise.

    Now we’ve both been married to others for 30 years, and it’s a moot point. But for three years we had a very comfortable “booty call” relationship. So it does happen in real life, FYI.