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The Advantages of Naughtiness and Bad Behavior

Look! Here is a picture of me with Deanna Raybourn who I met at the Dahlonega Lit Fest. She calls HER Best Beloveds “Dearest Chickens,” and is crazy-fun, but, I am sad to report, she is an addicted sugar-smoker.

Yes, Virginia, those are CANDY cigarettes. But they do not look like candy cigarettes, do they. When people decided that maybe cigarettes killed you after all, they kept making candy cigs, but called them CANDY STICKS. Even STICK sounded too lung-murdering to feed to children, so now the package just says candy. But it still has the PINK TIP so a) it looks lit and b) you know which end to put in your mouth.

I am going to put this pic on a mug and with the caption SEE, KIDS, SMOKING DOES MAKE YOU LOOK COOLER.

I will sell it on ETSY and make a million dollars and then be sued by parents AND Deanna and die alone, a gutter pauper. This is what has happened to every ETSY millionaire so far. (Because Deanna is litigious!)

Deanna and I pretended to smoke them all night because we drinking UnBiblically, which sounds like it means we drank too much. Which we may have. Ahem. A LITTLE.

But really it means we had TERRIBAD wine FIRST at the restaurant and then AWESOME wine later, at the hotel. (Those of you who were Raised Right in the Southern Sense are the only ones who just followed that.)

The first wine was as merlot, but it was so bad we called it a Mer-Faux.

Then back at the ranch Deanna had a perfectly delightful Italian Sparkle Wine. Which she could not take on the plane as she only had carry on. SO I HELPED her. I am sweet like that.

This is the same fest I blogged a few years back remember?

Karen Abbott was there, and Patti Callahan Henry, and we were staying at a bed and breakfast with walls made of Kleenex and the three of us sat on the porch drinking wine and we cackled like loons and there was a sour couple who just HATED us. VIOLENTLY. Like, super hated us. With HATE sauce.

We are not bed and breakfast people.

And they stared at us with such dour and vigilant dislike, EVEN THOUGH WE WERE OUTSIDE specifically to not bother people, that they practically FORCED us to go down to the basement and dig in the GAMES and find the droopiest, moopiest sex board game possible. Invented by the kind of person who thinks feeding each other strawberries while exchanging moist gazes counts as foreplay. In other words, by the writers of DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

I love this clip–“What timing!…The phone rings just when we were…. EATING SOME FRUIT!” “AH well now that the drama is over we can get back to…FRUIT EATING! ON THE PORCH!” *sigh*

The cards had instructions like, “Lean over and whisper in your lover’s ear three reasons why you think they are SO SPECIAL!” and “Smell your lover’s hair, then write a short poem about the experience and read it to him/her.”

*gargle*

SO we MAY have carted the game and a bottle of wine to their room and banged on the door and left it there and run away.
Okay, that was pretty AWFUL of us, it was their vacation, but in my defense:

I WAS YOUNGER THEN.

We MAY have been drinking. (This may be the THEME of lit fests…I smell another ETSY mug)

If ever two people needed to write each other smelly hair poems (and here we understand that “write each other smelly hair poems” is a euphemism) it was these two people.

I was not invited back to Dahlonega for four long years. *beam*

I think Patti and Karen STILL have not been asked back. I think they decided to never have us all together, and I was the TEST miscreant, to see if it was possible we may have learned to behave. *ahem*

SO I was in a different bed and breakfast, MUCH NICE — The Lily Creek Lodge, with REALLY good thick walls, and just to be safe, they put me in the honeymoon suite. Which was VERY FAR away from all the other rooms. And four times as large. With an electric fireplace. That had a remote. And a jetted tub. And tango themed wall art. (honestly, I am NOT a bed and breakfast person, but I would go back to THIS one. Wow. Those are actual pics of the APARTMENT we modestly called “my room…”)

SO I know I try not to LEARN or GROW here, but I could not help it. I accidentally learned a very valuable lesson indeed: If you go someplace and act like a COMPLETE prat, not only will you eventually be invited back, but when you are, you get the best room.

See? I CAN grow as a person.

6 comments to The Advantages of Naughtiness and Bad Behavior

  • “Is THAT the old saying? I was wondering what the old saying was.” Best. Writers. Ever. Or do you think that was ad libbed? It was just deadpan enough, just stupid enough to be ad libbed.

  • Aimee

    You are my role model for growing as a person, because that is a VERY nice room, indeed and I would like to be upgraded thusly.

  • If anyone ever smelled my hair and then wrote a poem about it, I would die of embarrassment. For him.
    But I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I have not been invited back to the early 90s, according to your life lesson. I am owed a GORGEOUS suite.

  • edj

    I have a similar story, except it was at a guest house in Senegal, and I was never invited back. Also we weren’t drinking, but that’s not cause we didn’t want to. Ours involved a dead bird and a man in a striped dressing gown from a church with an impossible name; Debbie and I thought it was the “First Baptist Methodist Missionary Church of the Foot-Washing Snake-Handling Pentecostals” but we have have misjudged.

  • Kim

    Oh yeah, I danced way into the night during the National Most Beautiful Daughters (and Sons) in the Whole Entire Universe Pageant. I haven’t been asked to judge that one again. :)

  • jennamom

    You are so bad. But so fun! (I have been to the Lily Creek Lodge! Stayed there about 12 years ago with some guy I was dating. It was lovely!)