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Halloween Redux

Sam was something undefined, but SCARY AS ALL GET OUT and moderately Steam Punk, if Steam Punk would be so kind as to make room for the possibility of enormous laser-guns. Maisy was a Heart-Sparkle-Diamond Glamour Witch. Those are not, by the way, orange contacts.That is just the natural, fiery gleam of CANDY AVARICE lighting her up from within.

Sam Trick-Or-Treated this year, even though LAST YEAR he was waaaay too grown up to be bothered with it. This year, it become retro-chic or something, and he headed off into the night armed with a Target bag and his friend Conan the Barbarian, who is known as Nick on days when he is NOT wearing a shaggy black wig and a toga like battle draping and toting a broad sword.

Our holiday began SUNDAY, when we all realized we had FORGOTTEN Monday was Halloween, so we all said, OH OOPS! PUMPKIN CARVING should happen! And Candy, as trickertreatsers might come.

We went to Publix and ALL THREE Krogers and no one had any pumpkins. At all. The closest Kroger didn’t have blue corns, or even a single one of those hideous warty gourds left. There was hardly any candy. We had to get Sweet Tarts crap, and Scott said, “This means we are going to end up with a mailbox fulla EGGS, you know that right?”

I don’t understand stores or shopping or people. Some hideous elf has puked endless amounts of Christmas all over the Eckerd, and MEANWHILE here is real life it is NOVEMBER, and I have yet to think, “Maybe I need a Turkey or something?” When I do finally REALY think that? Weeks from now? There won’t be a turkey bird, living or dead, in a 50 mile radius, and half the Christmas crap will have been purchased by insane people.

STOP BUYING CHRISTMAS STUFF until December. If we ALL agreed to do this they would STOP the MADNESS putting out Christmas Tree peeps and blowing up the inflatable Baby Jesus in November!


Because everyone does it all the time, not just for holidays. I go to Beach Week with my family every year in JULY, which is the MIDDLE fo summer, and yet I always have THE most hideous bathing suits because I wait til beach week is upon me and then I have to pick among the six ugly MeeMaw suits left at the Redneck Target. Meanwhile, the mall stores are full of Fall Leggings.

Finally we gave up and went all the way out to this hatefully far punkin patch in EGYPT that had the punkin equivalent of the six hatefully ugly meemaw suits—-lumpy warty malformed Pumpkinstrosities. But we carved em up ANYWAY! Can you guess which child designed what punkin?

Hint: Our kids clearly favor a traditional gender role Halloween, here, where the girls are super sparkly and the boys are armed-n-dangerous.

I decided to go as a mummy. Or at least a MUMMY HAND.

I was making cornbread for dinner, this particularly LOVELY kind. You put the cast iron skillet in a the oven for 15 minutes, then melt butter in it, then drop the batter in to butterfry the edges all crispy and delightful, and then bake it. What you DO NOT DO is put on an oven mitt, pull it from the oven, take OFF the oven mitt, pour in the batter, GRAB the blazingly hot iron handle to put it back, scream profanities, hurl the pan to the floor and leap around howling with second degree burns rising up all over ones thumb and pointer finger.

Unless you are me. Then you do EXACTLY that.

Happy Halloween, and according to Dr. Google, the best treatment for All Hallows Eve burns is, “steal your children’s mini-Butterfingers while they are at school.”

So. Imma go go treat myself. *rimshot* SEE WHAT I DID THERE????

22 comments to Halloween Redux

  • Oh ouch, ouch, SUPER OUCH on the burns. Been there done that. Last Easter as I was carving the Easter Ham with my particularly favorite knife (see razor sharp, saber thin, and SERRATED), I had too many people (11) in my kitchen asking me too many questions. . .and for ONE of the questions I happened to look UP, but I didn’t stop cutting and my finger was kinda in the way. It was a bad cut. It was a super bad cut. I did not freak out as I am not a freaker-outer, but my husband’s family are ALL FREAKER-OUTERS. So I had to be particularly calm as I walked to the sink and saw HUGE droplets of something that was NOT water falling into the sink at an alarming rate. I grabbed a wad of paper towels, applied pressure, and (AGAIN, CALMLY) asked my daughter to go get Momma a band-aid, sugar. She was nearly 13. She brought me back a small Hello Kitty bandage. It would not do. My husband eventually found me in our bathroom with FIVE regular band-aids swathing my index finger and asked if I was okay. I told him if it bled through number five, I thought we might have to leave for the emergency room AFTER lunch. It only made it through 1, 2, 3, and part of 4. Probably because I applied them so ferociously that I cut off circulation. I STILL, however, have ten fingers.

  • Oh, man! OUCH. I have SO burned myself making that VERY thing in that VERY manner!

    It was rainy and cold here in the North Carolina Piedmont and we decided to take our not-spooky-at-all kids to the mall instead of trudging through the steady drizzle of awfulness. It was awful. It was packed. People were pushy and cutting in line and mobbing those who were handing out candy. And the Mall dressed as Christmas for Halloween. Isn’t that nice of the mall? To participate in Halloween like that? My youngest thought so, although he then wanted to know why we hadn’t put our tree up, yet. heh.

    We went back home and trudged, although you couldn’t have told by the kids’ demeanors that they were cold and wet. They had a blast.

  • Mir

    OW OW OW OW OWWWWWWW! This is why I have the… the things… the handle cover things. For my cast iron. Because this is exactly something I would do. Owwwwwwww. 🙁

  • Ow. Ow. Owowowowow. Wowser! That is a total “Give Mommy all your butterfingers” type of injury. You hand makes a good, if unfortunate, mummy.

    Maisy is the PERFECT super shiny sparkly witch, beautiful costume.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    I empathize. Burns HURT. They hurt really bad, and burns to the hand are the worst because you use your hands for so many things (but then I guess that is exactly why they are most likely to get burned). I burned my hand in a similar way. I had a pan with a glass top and knob that I put in the oven to keep supper warm and then pulled the pan out with oven mitts, but proceeded to take the oven mitts off and then remove the cover with my bare hand. I burned off my fingerprints. Just temporarily, but still. I spent most of the first couple of days with my hand in the air because it hurt so bad. I empathize with your pain. Continue with chocolate treatment, I have heard that is the best.

  • Owieowieowieowie!!!! Hate to say it, but I’ve done the exact thing on more than one occasion…..you would think one would learn from such a painful object lesson, wouldn’t ya? Not so much. I’ve also scorched the delicate skin on my most favorite right hand after grabbing a hot pan with a moist dish towel/hot pad. Many, many ‘sentence enhancers’ and a flying pan later, my Mom said, “um, that rag was wet.”

  • Sorry about your burns!! That must really smart.

  • sillyme

    I have those same handle cover things that Mir has. I love them. I do have to keep replacing them because they catch on fire a lot, but having them (even all burny) is better than burning up my fingers. Right now my biggest issue is burning the skin of my wrist everytime I reach across the pan and getting these scar lines across my wrists. When I went in for my check-up the doctor asked me about the scars and I had to say. “No, I didn’t cut my wrists, I’m just a bad cook”

  • Burns are the worst and are at the top of my list of the most horrible ways to die. But . . . that being said, the absolutely, positively best treatment for burns, preferably the second after they happen, is to plunge the offended body bit into honey, then soak a bandage in honey and wrap it around the crying bit. No pain, no red, no blisters. It works as long as you keep the air off.

  • rams

    Bless you, civilized one, I didn’t understand BFE until I was in grad school and the children had to explain it to me.

  • Jena

    About two months ago, I burned myself superhorriblebad on the oven door. I had been reading a report about using honey on burns, and I was without an aloe plant (my usual remedy) so I decided to try it. Oh.My.God. It is the best thing I have ever used on a burn. Just regular honey, straight out of the little squeezy-bear, with plain gauze taped over it. It healed without even leaving a mark, and the burn was on the really delicate skin on the inside of my arm. I’d recommend it.

  • Linda J

    OUCH OUCH OUCH Ok I know this goes with the whole holidays in order thing so here it goes… a few years ago I took the middle rack out of the oven to fit the super duper turkey bird ever so carefully putting the extra rack on the stove (near the incognito vent). A few magical hours later the bird came out and the pies were ready to go in. I so was not thinking when I grabbed the flaming hot rack on top of the stove. The next week was something else as that was the hand I used most at work.

  • Yowch! I hope the chocolate application helps. Since we’re sharing war stories, my worst forehead smacking injury was when I sewed my finger with my sewing machine. The needle went through the fingernail and out the tip. If that wasn’t bad enough, I instinctively yanked my hand back, tearing the nail and skin. This happened at midnight, so I washed it and got some help taping it up. Here’s where the teenage boy in me came out: the next day when I changed the bandage, I took a picture of the wound. ‘Cause, you know, it’s all gross and cool.

  • Brigitte

    I put bag balm on burns, even though it expressly says not to. It’s worked great for my unmitted-grabbing-of-blazing-hot-things-from-the-oven incidents.

  • ailo

    ouch! I’m sorry to hear about your accident, but I have something I need to say! You *need* today’s shirt at shirt.woot.com . If not the actual shirt, then a giant blow-up copy of the image posted on the back of your laptop or I don’t know, in a CGI thought bubble floating over your head? Over my head, anyway. I feel like it captures the humor of I CAN HAS but also plays a double duty illustrating how my brain works most of the time.

  • Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Joss. Sending cooling thoughts and warm wishes for a handy recovery.

  • He looks like those kids on an episode of Dr. Who. They had the masks, and one of them had these particles and… well… it was Dr Who, so it was strange.

  • Kathy

    Oh poor hand! So sorry that happened. On the other…well, hand, the costumes and pumpkins are great!

  • We have that same pumpkin! (not the girl pumpkin, we only have boy pumpkins here)

    Sorry about your hand. That’s a tricky maneuver you were attempting, what with oven mitt on, oven mitt off, oven mitt on … very tricky. I have yet to perfect it myself. 😉 Hope the kidlets have provided enough remedy to get you through the pain. 😉

  • Jeninlb

    I did that a bunch of times and now I have this silicon thingy that I put over the handle so I can not get fried. They have ’em at Sur Le Table which in English means “expensive kitchen crap”.

  • OWOWOWOWOW! that’s not your famous book writing hand is it?