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Statue. Wrinkles. Sick. Nouns.

OH! Until just now to your immediate left, I forgot to show you the statue of Roger Conant, Salem’s town founder, who, as Brunonia Barry pointed out in THE LACE READER, is, from certain ANGLES, what the Victorians might have called, “A Pity.”

What is he doing, you might wonder. And I answer…Going blind?

As you may recall, Karen Abbott and I have a long standing tradition of texting each other pictures of unintentionally filthy thats-what-she-said style objects/monuments/arts/crafts/signage we see in our travels.

She started it when she and her husband went to Paris, sending me a street sign with a name that sounds SO naughty-awful in English that I can’t even SAY it here.

BUT! This statue of dear old Roger! Well, I think he has edged me ahead; she didn’t find ANYTHING dirty to send me from East Hampton. Which I don’t know if that means East Hampton is stuffy or she has out-matured me….I suspect it must be East Hampton.

Is it wrong for me to be amused that the statue is named Roger? Probably. But there it is. I have an un-quellable 12 year old boy living in my occipital lobe, and will probably go to my grave laughing at fart jokes.

THIS IS JUST HUMAN. You know the medieval cycle plays? Wagon trains of plays showing the whole BIBLE in play form front to back, at all day festivals? It was like the Bible, but, yes, with fart jokes. So. Precedent.

Also funny to me—I got A Groupon for Botox TODAY, AND THE OPENING LINE OF THE AD COPY WAS…”

Ancient sculptors kept the faces of their marble figures smooth by regularly chiseling off weatherworn features, which is why most statues lack noses, eyes, and their original corncob pipes.

There is no good way to swing that that will make me want to try Botox.

Like, in my head, the next line is already, “So REALLY, having needles jabbed under your skin injecting pig botulism ALL UP INTO YOUR PERSONAL HUMAN FACE is kinda MILD, really. If you THINK about it.”

In case you were wondering:




Lemon out.

12 comments to Statue. Wrinkles. Sick. Nouns.

  • “Eventually, you, too, can be like a classic sculpture! Yes, you, too, can eventually lack a nose, eyes and that precious corncob pipe!”

    I know how this is, to be bored of your own misery. I herniated a disk (disc?) in my back in October of 2011. I am still seeing various specialists to deal with pain. I AM SO OVER IT! True story.

  • That should read October 2010 (last year) sheesh!

  • Linda J

    We still love you!

  • Aimee

    I love that they included the corncob pipe, like that’s an integral part of ANYBODY except maybe Frosty the Snowman. Anyway, are there a whole lot of statues out there that once HAD corncob pipes that we don’t know about? The Venus de Milo? David?

    Anyway, that is a terrible ad written by an idiot. I believe your ongoing thwartage was written by the same idiot. Sorry you’re still sick 🙁

  • Jill W.

    They will take my corncob pipe when they pry it from my cold dead (and wrinkly age-spotted) hands!

  • Sounds like the best game ever and one that I need to start with my best friend toot sweet.

  • I am SO a twelve-year-old boy! I saw that picture and thought, “What on earth is he. . .holding?!” Oh my. And did he, like, POSE for that sculpture? How long did THAT take, and did he. . .oh, well, it kinda goes downhill from there. And rolls around in the mud. A lot.

    You are going to feel better soon, Peach. How do I know? I am now producing nasal slime, so obviously I’ve stolen yours. But like you, I have a deadline to be shed of it: a lunch date with exceptional historical mystery author Kelli Stanley this weekend.

    Or I’ll drug up for it and slime afterward.

    Oh good heavens, I’m reading about pig botulims with a Cialis commercial on the TV. These are things I don’t want to know about!

    Love the statue though. Snork.

  • I totally sniggered at the name “Roger”. I really, really did.

  • Brigitte

    Woo, hoist the jolly Roger!

    I’m in week 6 of my post-bronchitis cough, which is tiresome enough, but your thwartage sounds much worse. Good lucks to you!

  • You and that damned occipital lobe. I fear it’s all that Rogering.

  • edj

    You may be sick, but you are still able to bring sweetness and light and laughter to the internet. Cuz I love that statue. Er, not love, but I must admit my first thought was…what is he holding? And it just went downhill from there.

  • I am not sick, but I am bored and thwarty. Would you like some company in that? Also? I have that exact LOLCats image in my to-use-on-the-blog file, but I forgive you for stealing my thunder.

    The statue is full of win. We have no art to mock in this neck of the woods because my city is largely about utility, but in the future, I will be sensitive to public displays of…sword sharpening. (BTW, have you seen the website Accidental D*ng?)