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State of the Union, Part *@&!@^#^$_)

That’s navy talk for Part 2. Aka “the part I magically deleted.”

I worked for three days on that entry…It is hard to write in an entertaining and rollicking fashion about being JUST SO DAMN BORINGLY SAD, but I managed it. That’s why it took so long.

And then…I somehow managed to delete it. It is GONE. It was, I am sure overly navel gazey and maybe even over-sharey, so maybe the accidental deletion of an essay I spent THREE HOURS OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK writing was Angelic mercy.

But that Angel had NO sense of humor because there was an extended metaphor about a pig and his own cracklins and mental illness numbers in it that had me tucking my feet up into my rolling office and cackling like a loon, which is very much like me.

I miss being…you know, LIKE me.

It also told the history of the Bad Black Year, so who needs it. Heh. The short I ALREADY ACCIDENTALY DELETED THIS ONCE version is, I am generally a happy person.

Once before I fell off the world into deep weldt angst and woe, and it went on for a YEAR, and I never even noticed until I was out of it and looked back and saw a yawping pit of despair filled with sludgey self pity and misery behind me and I said to Scott, “…Whoa. I seem to have been …sad? For a year or so? Scott, was I SAD?

He felt that was a fair assessment. *ahem*

Anyway— the signs were these, AND THESE SIGNS WERE BETTER WITH THE PIG METAPHOR but that pig, he is Gone, Baby, Gone.

1) I stopped liking the taste of vegetables. I am iron deficient, so dark green iron rich leafy things are always SO delicious to me…I stopped liking them, and stopped like spices, and stopped being a FOODIE, and only liked the blandest of buttery potatoes and soft warm comforting breads. Very white and starchy and overly refined and processed plastic foods with little taste appealed.

I am back there NOW. I am going out to dinner someplace WONDERFUL with a dear friend, and I wish to lie in bed and eat some wonderbread instead.

2) I was sleepy ALLLL day and up all night having terrible dreams.

Last night, dream snakes kept popping out of bread bags and peanut butter jars and hat boxes in my house. The would bite me and my friend Lydia would call from the staircase, HEY A SNAKE BIT YOU. And I would call back, I KNOW IT IS AWFUL! I NEED TO KNOW IF IT JUST CAME IN OR IF SOMEONE PUT IT THERE ON PURPOSE TO BITE ME. Then another snake would pop out at my face and I would wake up.

I am SO sleepy right now you have two wavery faces when I look at you, AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN HERE.

3) I wanted to read only Jane Austen and other well-thumbed comfort reads.

Now, at Decatur bookfest, I bought ONLY two books…unheard of!

(They were REALLY good though, both of them. I made them the images for this entry.)

OKAY so there are more, but basically, I am doing all of them NOW, and I actually NOTICED. So. I am calling this a win.

Tomorrow we will move on to PART THREE which, if I can manage to write it and not delete it, will be CALLED Part 3 instead of PART ARE YOU %*@#ING KIDDING ME.


15 comments to State of the Union, Part *@&!@^#^$_)

  • Lulu

    Take that win & run with it, baby! And holy herpetology, batman – your nightmare made my skin crawl. Those snakes are enough to make anyone lose sleep.

    There must be something in the planetary alignment, you are so not alone:
    http://www.arghink.com/2011/08/08/we-just-have-to-learn-how-to-get-through-these-very-bad-days/ and yesterday I went up to visit my bestest friend who is in a similar way. We ate delicious food and watched the sun go down behind the mountains beyond Lake Coeur d’Alene while making up very suggestive scenes for a mythical screenplay we are writing for . It was a delightful way to battle the dark demons of our minds. Mind you, it didn’t actually fix anything, but we laughed (some) and cried (a little) and overall the break from the unending crush was a good thing.

    Wishing you many good breaks and more WIN. Ditto for your piratey cat, too.

  • I know some people (maybe you) will roll their eyes at this, but if you don’t want to go on “the hard stuff” you might look into St. John’s Wort. If you’re using an oral contraceptive, don’t (it reduces the effectiveness), but otherwise it’s worth a try. Studies are very favorable for people with mild to moderate depression. As an herbal supplement, it is not regulated by the FDA and so there are no guarantees that a bottle is what it says. I use Nature’s Resource brand. When I temporarily switched brands (to Sundown), there was a noticeable dip in my mood. Check labels carefully! For example, both brands show the same dosage on the front of the bottle, but when you read the nutrition panel you see that Sundown requires two pills to achieve that dose, while Nature’s Resource is just one. You have to take it every day (I take one pill morning and night), and it takes at least 3 – 4 weeks before you notice any effect. For me, the difference is substantial.

  • Linda J

    Do you happen to remember waaay back to june when you posted on facebook a contest to win an advanced readers copy of Coming Up For Air??? One day in August I opened my door and it was delivered on my doorstep…I’m getting towards the end of it. So far so good. Thank You.

    Why does January have to be so darn far away…

  • Beth R

    Now, I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on tv, but I *AM* a card-carrying bipolar person, so I feel comfortable offering my prescription for you:

    Make plans to spend a minimum of 3 full days (in a row) with your very best girlfriends SOON. Do not fuss about the time or expense – this is a mental health retreat. Liberally apply cheese, wine, chocolate, good food, lots of giggling and a little bit of crying (as needed).

    Repeat dosage as needed.

  • Beth R

    Oh, and hugs to you. Even people who are dead inside need hugs occasionally. Please show this entry to Mr. Husband and explain he’s to deliver hugs at random times, as often as needed.

  • Em

    I can’t wait. I need to rebecome happy fairly frequently. A how-to would be mighty helpful.

  • Let me second Sandi’s suggestion of St. John’s Wort, and add a fair dose of Niacinamide. Not niacin, Niacinamide. We use the Thorne Research variety. Lillian can’t take the heavy-hitting drugs and she does tend to spiral. This evens out her keel, as it were.

    Big hugs, Sweetie!

  • Brigitte

    I thought symptom #2 was normal? No snakes in last night’s dreams, but world-destroyed-in-giant-storms and now trying-to-survive-in-a-post-apocalyptic-landscape kinda stuff. You know, as usual. 🙁

  • Peggy Fry

    Anti-depressants are Our Friends. Just Sayin. Did you ever think that having your ladyparts snatched away might have something to do with sadness? Take drugs or supplements and get back to what is normal for you.

  • Shelley

    It is ok to be sad. It is important to know why so that you can fix what is in your control. That being said, wallowing for a year probably not the best and medication can help while you get evened out. And/or remind yourself of the good things going on. The What Went Well today and Why nightly exercise is a good one. Even if it was only ordering a good sandwich at the deli or wearing socks that match, something did go well. And never underestimate the power of endorphins. Hiking in beautiful places, it’s hard to stay miserable in the face of nature.

  • “I am SO sleepy right now you have two wavery faces when I look at you, AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN HERE.” *snort*

    When I fell into my pit of despair, I quit talking. . .quit e-mailing, and blog-writing, and using my words. It was serious. Thinking of you. I have to say that I am not one who takes many or much in the way of meds, but me and my generic pharmaceutical friend (a low dose) work as a GREAT team these days.

    You are a jewel and a blessing and the prettiest of pink socks, ever. Be well. . .and keep on writing.

  • Mary

    Sooo sorry you are feeling so sad. If I could take some of the sadness away, I would. You and your stories have given so much to me, I wish I could repay you with joy. Instead, virtual hug? Mary

  • Sad just…sucks. I’m looking forward to installment #3. Smooches, dear.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Just a shout-out across the blog-verse “I hear you sister!” Except not really because there is no way that I can pull off that expression. Not even in writing.
    A better word is empathize. I empathize with your state of sad. This blog post was rather enlightening to me because I didn’t know that there were other people who actually admit to having a sad year and being pushed over the mental edge into the abyss by the random and unexplained deletion of a post that you spent three hours on. And yet you came back and wrote the above — you have guts girl! (yeah, I know. I can’t pull off the “girl” either)
    The description of the snake dreams kind of freaked me out — I have those too! But Lydia isn’t in mine since I don’t know Lydia… Did David Lambers put a dead snake in your purse in 9th grade too?
    The pictures are pretty. So there’s that.

  • Looking forward to part 3, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with hormones. The ebbs and tides are hard enough with properly working lady parts, but dealing with it synthetically has to be particularly difficult!