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Four Ways to Know You Are Old

1) You go on a date with your husband, and you pick FRIGHT NIGHT, the remake, because you both saw the original and loved it when you were teenagers. Once at the movie theatre, you look at all the posters, and MANY of the movies being advertised are remakes of movies you saw when you were teenagers, and the rest are INSTANTLY reminiscent of iconic movies you saw as teenagers, so that you come to understand you have, indeed, seen at least one version of EVERY POSSIBLE HUMAN MOVIE, and are doomed to watch recycled crap until death takes you or the aliens come with fresh stories.

By the way? If you LIKE B movie horror, and OHHHHHH we do, we do, it doesn’t get better than this. Colin Farrel is SO great and horrible and spooooooky, David Tennant was hilariously great, it was a perfect balance between camp and chills, there were super cute teenagers-in-baby-lurve. Toni Colette wasn’t given a huge amount to do as mom, but what-ev, I always love to see her. She is so good, I would watch a movie called TONI COLLETTE MAKES SOUP.

Best of all, there was a lot of date-ly arm clutching, which is the whole point of B horror.

2) You are in a secular mood, so you swap off your usual hymn-station and put on the oldies station, and the oldies station is playing music from when you were in high school.
Like, say, this:

3) Then, you have the following conversation.

Nine Year old Daughter: This song makes NO sense.

You, with horrible, instant understanding: Maisy Jane, do you KNOW what a record is?

Nine Year old Daughter: Of course I do, geez, Momma.

You, knowing better than to ask, but asking: Okay, what is a RECORD?

Nine Year old Daughter: Ummm…it’s like what is in the office. Like my grades, they have a record of that.

Fourteen Year Old Son: I think it can also be those black things that music was on in olden times. Like, Bj and Poppa have a thing you can play one on still at their house.

You, dying inside: Turn-Table. It is—-WAS, it WAS called a turn-table.

4) You KNOW you had four ways when you started, but you can’t think of the last one. Not to save your life.

Can you tell your way to know for my four? Or are you still a dewy seventeen?

17 comments to Four Ways to Know You Are Old

  • Elizabeth

    Whahahaha! Thanks for the break from the serious while we figure out what the heck to do about the hurricane headed for NYC!

  • I am not a scary movie watcher, but I would so, totally see that movie with hubs (between my fingers from behind a pillow of course). AND, AND, AND I have “You Spin Me Round” on a playlist that I use at school. My kids LOVE the song. And thank goodness they don’t get it. 🙂

  • I have been making fun of this movie to my husband every time we see the trailer on TV…because I want to see it but I am ashamed because he thinks horror movies are DUMB. WAH! Spooky Scary Colin Farrel…what could be better? Except for maybe a spooky, scary Clive Owen…

  • I could write the 4th one for you:

    You know you are getting old when you carry ice packs to your job (school teacher) to ice your lower back at the end of the day.

    Just sayin’.

  • Lulu

    you know you are old (or at least look it…or something) when your child comes home from school, excited about a history lesson and he asks you (looking for first-hand stories), “Mom, were you alive during the Great Depression?”
    Answer: “No, but I feel one coming on now…”

  • liz

    Have you seen Peter Pan? The one directed by PJ Hogan? Not to give a spoiler, but my children like to hold hands and chant at me “Old. Alone. Done for.”

  • You know you’re old when you measure things in decades. “My son is a decade old. I graduated two decades ago. I’ve been friends with her for three decades. A decade and a half ago, I got married.” etc.

  • You know you’re old when your high school classmates have GRANDCHILDREN. Gah. I’m 43.

  • #4: The kids play their new music and you know the words. Only you are thinking “Dirty Dancing” and they are saying “Dirty bit.”

  • You know you’re old when your former students (wasn’t that just yesterday? What’s a decade, really?) are posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Kids who are in SCHOOL, not just new babies. Kids with hobbies.

    My back hurts.

  • Brigitte

    My young cousin just became a grandpa – yeurrgh!

    With the movies, what’s worse, is I thought the original wasn’t all that old.

    The same with music . . I still think of, say, “Jane’s Addiction” as new, when I believe “Been Caught Stealing” came out 20 years ago.

  • Jessica

    No, no! It IS called a turntable. I know. I have one. I’ve had my own since I was in college (my dad knew I wanted one and got me a stereo with one for Christmas), which wasn’t even 10 years ago yet. (Just for the other kind of record, when that particular song came out, I was four years old. Of course, I was raised on oldies and records and 8-tracks and cassette tapes.) I still buy records of current recording artists as well (this is probably going to be the newest one: http://www.amazon.com/21-Vinyl-Adele/dp/B004I1WIWU ), but we generally just call them “vinyl” now instead of “records”.

    Also, nothing beats vinyl for sound. Just sayin’. 😉

  • Just saw this today and it totally depressed me: http://imgfave.com/view/1499450

    Also, my kids and I had a bizarre conversation about “Regular” gasoline. I told them that they didn’t make Regular any more and they looked at me like I was crazy and told me that there was indeed regular. And mid-grade and premium. *sigh* Hand me the Geritol…

  • DebR

    I have been hesitant to see that movie because I love the original version and I figured a remake would just irritate me, but if you and Mr. Husband also loved the original and turned out to love this TOO, then that makes me think maybe I want to see it after all. (I generally don’t DO horror movies, but I really HEART those ’80’s horror/comedy hybrids like Fright Night and The Lost Boys.)

    You know you are old when you see the same toys you played with as a child for sale in antique shops as “vintage collectibles.” 🙁

  • Beth R

    At the risk of making us all feel old, here’s this year’s Beloit List: http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/2012/

    And if you don’t know what the Beloit List is, there’s a great explanation on the top of the page.


  • Kathy

    You know you’re old when you have to explain to kids that you took TYPING in high school, not keyboard and that you had to DEVELOP pictures for the yearbook, in a dark room, no digital. Oh, and you had to do your own math, on paper even, not use a calculator (although they did exist).

  • I think it was when my son showed me how to use the new television. I still don’t get it. I might have to leave it to him in the future.