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You Are Lucky To Know Me (a festival of self loathing in three parts. By which I mean, one part.)

You ARE lucky to know me. Because I am So Cool, Is Why.

Also, you are lucky to know me because I don’t ever do anything I say I am going to do, and this lets you feel better about yourself, because you probably do do at least SOME of the things you say you will do.
For example, I do not write FAQs or set up mailing lists. MORE ON THIS ASPECT OF MY GREATNESS LATER. PROBABLY.

I say probably because I do not, apparently, write part twos, and you LOVE that, when I do a part one and then not a part two. That makes you HAPPY. You think to yourself, “Part one was ENOUGH of that anyway, and I am certainly not going to say anything about pink socks now.”

You think those exact words as you look at the pretty watch. Shiny. It goes back and forth. Schwiggetty schway schway, goes the watch. You love the watch. You are sleepy. You will not say PINK SOCKS to me. You will accept that I am a flawed and broken human and cannot write part two because I thoroughly lost interest in everything that happened that long ago and am running after the shiny object before me in this moment, which is, of course, a pure and blinding understanding of my own coolness.

*snap* *You wake refreshed*

SO! Where were we?

OH RIGHT I was explaining how cool and worldly and AMAZING I am to you, because you might not have realized on your own.

Now that I have forever broken Julie’s heart by saying THE HAMPTONS – and really, those two words, they seem about as likely a thing to come flying out of my mouth as whole hives of screaming locusts – I want you to REALLY understand how sophisticated I am.

For example, I met Alan Thicke once. FOR REALS. I am not a rabid crazy stalker Thicke fan, understand. I mean, I have warm child of the 80’s memories of that sit com, and I think he writes funny stuff, his public persona makes me think, ‘nice guy,’ but I don’t feel that weird bizarre freak love for him that, say, John Malkovich inspires in my lunatic bosom, you know?

I used to bartend and serve for upscale catering places in Atlanta on the weekends when I was in college. SO I was maybe 22?

Anyway, one time I was working the drinks station at this HUGE VIP gala thing at the botanical gardens, and this guy ordered a drink. I handed it to him, and it was Alan Thicke.

I could not let go of the glass. We sat there, both of us holding the glass and not letting go. We shared the following SCINTILLATING conversation.

Me: You’re Alan Thicke.

Him: I know.

Then I let go.

You see? Even back then, I was rocking the suave. She said with bitter sarcasm.

YES, JULIE, MAYBE I SAY “THE HAMPTONS” NOW, but I realized…You can take the hick out of Alabama and drop her in East Hampton, but she is never going to have enough plastic surgery, never mind enough all white shorts outfits with espadrilles, to fit in there. Lord…

Case made in a single point: this email list I am on is discussing WORLDLINESS, and one woman said, “I’m reading Victoria Clayton’s Past Mischief and came to this, “Nancy wore a canary-yellow Givenchy…” and suddenly wondered at what point in my life did I stop reading that as ‘give-inchy’ and find that it should be “jzhiv-on-shee.”

I immediate wrote her back the following three sentences.

“ Wow. Hi! For me, that point came AS I READ YOUR EMAIL.”

I bet if I met Alan Thicke RIGHT NOW I would still clutch onto his drink and helpfully tell him his name.

In case you are as cool as me? A present for you.

27 comments to You Are Lucky To Know Me (a festival of self loathing in three parts. By which I mean, one part.)

  • I know I gave gain immeasurable cool points simply for A) knowing your name, and B) knowing the “h” is silent. So there. I am super cool because of you!

  • I also lose cool points for not proofreading that entry. “gave gain”? No idea where the “gave” came from. Gremlins.

  • I only knew it already because I love old movies. By watching Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole in How to Steal a Million, I heard that one. Funny how you learn things, innit?

  • I have never done a Part I of whatever and finished it. Ugh, OBLIGATIONS. Who needs it? Get off my back, man! Stop pinning me down with your RULES!

    Also I just now noticed that I’m in your Links! And oh, I got a little thrill from that. Okay, a big thrill.

  • Next time you say “jitney,” it’s quits between us, baby. But the only thing that could ever make me think you less than impeccably suave would be to learn that you pronounce it /ralf law-RENN/.

    (Tangentially, my six-year-old son asked me if he could use the shampoo in my bathroom. He called it my /swayv/.)

  • To add to Julie’s comment: I have major trouble with ‘tangentially,’ when I try and say it out loud it transforms into ‘tan-genital-ly.’ I don’t get too many laughs with that to go with my red face.

  • I do not care how to pronounce Givenchy. I do not care that you do not finish 2 parters. I very MUCH care that you finish novels. BRAH-VO for finishing novels. I am, of course, speaking of the ones you write. I’m sure you have completed many novels as a reader, but as a writer, completing a novel is WAY BIG. Then, my friend, THEN, OH THEN, your novels were PUBLISHED. Hence, making me a Best Beloved and proud of it. I PROMISE (pinky swears) that if EVERY I HAPPEN to be tending bar at an event where you are a guest, I will hand you your drink–while retaining a death grip on it–and say, “You are Joshilyn Jackson.” And YOU can say, “I know.” But I probably won’t let go of the drink. You are The Awesome. (And also a flawed human with a menagerie of animals and a couple of children and a husband and research and a church family. . .)

  • Haley

    You should have a contest where people can invent endings for Pink Socks and you pick the best one. Maybe there will even be some plausible ones that will jog your memory. I really had no idea where that story was headed.

    And “jitney” sounds so much better than “bus.” I think I’ll start calling all buses and shuttles that. “Oh, I’m just going to catch the 66 jitney to Allston.” It kind of takes away the “I’m poor and have to take buses” effect just a little bit.

  • erinanne

    Well, you just learn something new every day, don’t you?

    And by you, I obviously mean me.

  • Jill W.

    Let’s say this particular pair of socks just got washed with something red and so they are really just sort of tinted… ; )

    Your first sentence reminds me of Junie B. Jones, whose continuing adventures my daughter and I recently discovered are way to hilarious to read at bedtime. Giggles are not conducive to sleep.

  • Jill W.

    Oh, and I was raised by the gays- I learned to pronouce Givenchy when my dad took me as a young teen to see La Cage aux Folles (in fact we saw it at the Fox in Atlanta). It is in the lyrics of one of the songs: “All week long we’re wondering who/Left a green Givenchy gown in the loo.”

  • suddenly wondered at what point in my life did I stop reading that as ‘give-inchy’ and find that it should be “jzhiv-on-shee.”

    For me, that point is now.

  • HA! Debra, I beat you to knowing by a good 12 hours. 😀

    And Roxanne, for your kindness in reminding me that I do actually finish SOME thhings, I promise that should this mythical bartending moment ever happen, I shall let you have the drink and answer, “No, I am Alan Thicke.”

  • Brigitte

    Hee, I’m with Debra . . but as I’ll never come withen a mile of anyone who’s ever even SEEN Givenchy things, it doesn’t matter.

    And while I fantasize about famous people alla time, I have also NEVER wanted to ACTUALLY meet them, because I knew it would be just like your Alan Thicke moment. I have enough awkward already, thank you.

  • Jennifer in NC

    Ha! That reminds me of how mortified I was when I learned the correct pronunciation of Etienne Aigner. I had no idea it was “on-yay”.
    I always said “agg-ner” as in “Don’t you just love my new Aggner purse?”
    I’m so proud to be a country bumpkin!

  • Aimee

    Heh. It’s okay, I’m with Roxanne in that as long as you keep finishing NOVELS I will never again mention rosy knitwear for the feet. PINK-y swear.

    I am totally with Hollygee on “tangentially,” too. I can NOT say that word, I got all tangled up between the soft g and the “tia” which always ends up sounding like a “ch” so basically I just try not to use that word at all because I end up sounding like a fool.

    I did know how to pronounce Givenchy, but really, who cares? I must go catch the jitney…

  • HA yes when I was a girl, AGG-ner was all the rage—-

    I also did not know how to say Etienne… ET-ian.


  • I am listening to the Jennifer Weiner’s latest audio book right now (Then Came You) and twice TWICE, I have learned how to pronounce a word that I did not know I pronounced wrong. So if I add Givenchy, that means I’ve learned to pronounce THREE words correctly this week.

    One of the words from the book you even mentioned in your post: espadrilles.

    Your northern Michigan backwoods hick fan,
    (and I had a Freudian slip typo and initially wrote that as “backwords hick”)

  • DebR

    1. Like Fran, I think I get points for knowing how to pronounce Joshilyn correctly. Yay me! 🙂

    2. Like ccr, I knew how to pronounce Givenchy from old movies, but I enjoy mentally pronouncing it as “Give-an-inchy” because I’m a smartass that way. I say mentally pronouncing because I don’t recall that I have ever had occasion to say Givenchy out loud. I don’t foresee that changing.

    3. I just learned the correct way to say Aigner 5 minutes ago. I will probably forget the correct way to say Aigner 5 minutes from now. I did, however, know the correct way to pronounce Etienne, although I don’t know WHY I know that.

    4. I also realized in reading the comments that I have no idea how to correctly pronounce ‘tangentially.’ I must have only ever read it, not heard it pronounced aloud. It looks like it SHOULD be pronounced ‘tan-genital-ly.’ So I can never say this word aloud. I’m not too worried about it though, because evidently I have managed to avoid saying it aloud for 49 years so I don’t see this as a huge issue. I will use synonyms when necessary and when I see it in a book I will mentally say ‘tan-genital-ly.’ and smile. Maybe I can even find a way to ‘tan-genital-ly’ relate it to ‘Give-an-inchy’ and ‘Agg-ner.’ 🙂

  • Elizabeth J.

    a) Alan Thicke is Canadian so he has no right to be at all haughty (if he was, tho I think he was just acknowledging that he was, in fact himself and, in fact, knew it. b) you do NOT want to fit in in the Hamptons* rather, I/we do not want you to ever fit in in the Hamptons. c) a digression but related: just watched Something Borrowed and have a new celebrity doppleganger for you: Ginnifer [which I insist on pronouncing as … Ginnifer and not JENNifer b/c sometimes spelling does matter] esp in her straight hair wig. Oh, lots of scenes in The Hamptons w/all those yucky Hampton types. d)*I am a native NYer and have only ever said The Hamptons** proving I guess that I am no Hamptons type.
    ** And lastly, I shall leave you w/this anecdote that a friend of mine overheard at an Armani Exchange cafe in Boston years ago: two European gentleman [or Eurotrash, if you’re feeling snarky] talking about going to Cape Cod but instead of referring to it as “The Cape” one of them referred to it as “The Cod.”

  • I have already forgotten the proper pronunciation of “Givenchy,” since listening to it right up there in your post. So I am not qualified to look down my nose at you.
    I couldn’t anyhow, because I love you right down to your little pink socks. There is simply only one you.

  • Ruth

    I’m with Debra and Brigitte — just learned how to pronounce Givenchy. Not sure how I’m going to work that into conversation any time soon, since I buy my clothes at Ross Dress for Less and Target. Maybe if I go to a thrift store in the chi-chi part of town …

    This reminds me of the time in junior high when I used the word “facade” in conversation with my mother, pronouncing it with a hard C and long A. A funny look came over her face as she realized I was going to have all the awkward experiences she’d already had because she learned so many words from books.

  • JMixx

    @ DebR: when I read your last sentence, the following instantly flashed throuhg my mind:

    “Agg!(ner!)” he yelped as he stared at himself tan-genital-ly. “Why didn’t the Good Lord Give-an-inchy to *me*?”

    And, lo, the English major from my dusty, distant past rose up, and did spake, “It’s eeeeeeasy! Tan. Jen. Sha. Ly. Tangentially.”

    Or maybe that was the Clinical Psych student, trying desperately to learn the difference between “circumstantial” and “tangential” speech. Not to mention “lability,” “perseverative,” and “psychomotor agitation.”

    BTW, do *NOT* google “Pink Sock” without “safe search” on. It would ruin the reference to “Joss starts to tell a story, but never makes it all the way to the ending because OOH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY!”

  • JMixx

    Pee Ess, Do Not Care about Give-en-chee or Ralf Law-ren. Toast-Chee, maybe.

  • Years ago, my aunt worked as a buyer for a fancy-schmancy store where she had the occasion to call on fancy-schmancy distributors for clothing/accessories, etc. The first time she had to place a call to the Aigner rep for an order, the person answered on the other end: “ET-ien On-yay”. My aunt apologized – oops, wrong number. After about three re-dials getting the same person on the other end, she finally figured it out!

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    1. Along with Debra and Brigitte, first time also for me.

    2. Unlike Fran, I did NOT know for sure that the “h” in your name is silent. I have heard you introduced at readings both ways. So, now I know THAT.

    3. I knew how to SAY “Aigner” when I was in my teens and it was popular, but until now I didn’t know how it was spelled.

    4. Most embarrassingly, for years I pronounced the word “epitome” as “EP-i-tome” (rhyming with home), and had no idea that it was the same word that I knew by sound as “eh-PID-oh-me”.

  • Made me laugh, girl.