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Nutshell Sans Context — PART ONE

1) Selfless Non-Self Promotion: If you are a Decatur Bookfest Goer, you can bid on this auction.

It is to idle away a delightful hour at the Brick Store Pub with me and Susan Rebecca White, which means you can support youth literacy BY DRINKING.

Also, if you look at the author picture they used, you are apparently bidding to have drinks with me WHEN I AM IN MY THIRTIES. That means I get to have drinks with you BEFORE my forehead grew these terrible rage-horn shaped vertical wrinkles, and I can’t wait to fit back into those pants, even for only just an hour…

2) Karen and I give Sara advice about what to say when she goes in for her Jury Duty: “Yes, I have been the victim of violent crime. No, I would not say I am a racially biased, but I do hate black people. And white people. And gay people. And biracial people. And men. And generally every species of person, so that isn’t racial bias. But I hate Asians most. And the Irish. Yes, I have been robbed. Yes, I think I can be impartial, even though I have been personally and deeply and repeatedly wronged by the justice system. Wait, I hear a fairy talking… Oh, lithe fairy, speak to me!”

2.5) It is wrong to try to get out of Jury Duty. YOU KNOW THAT, LIZ LEMON, IN YOUR LEIA BUNS. YOU KNOW THAT.

3) Netflix has gone MAD! Look at the image, look at the THREE movies it says made it pick this one for us.

This makes me make the Meg Ryan circa JOE V/S THE VOLCANO non-boggled face and say, “I have no response to that.”

Except I do. I DO have a response, and it is this: WHAT NEXT? WHAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY SAY TO ME AFTER THAT, NETFLIX?

It woudl have to be, like, Netflix recommends RANGO, because you liked Wrath of Khan, The pornographic wall art of the doomed city of Pompeii, and The Duran Duran video with the guy crawling on the beach in an Olivia Newton-John headband.

Actually, I can kinda see how you would get Rango out of that. Never mind.

4) On retreat, it was near Sara’s birthday, and Karen decided to mark the moment by baking her a dense chocolate cake with a poured ganache topping. This is Karen, you understand. Whose kitchen-interests begin at cereal and end at milk in the cereal. The only time she turns on her stove is when her birds ask for scrambled eggs.

DIGRESSION: WHO FEEDS PARROTS SCRAMBLED EGGS? It’s like making someone eat a piping hot dish of scrambled baby. CANNIBALISM: JUST SAY NO.

Okay, so not a cook. Many fine qualities, etc. NOT a cook. But every year she mans up and attempts acts of baking should she be anywhere near us around our birthdays. This can only be love. This years result? POT OF CAKE, seen below.

Pot of cake motto: Looks like a hot mess, TASTES LIKE REALLY DARN GOOD CHOCOLATE, ACTUALLY.

Well done, Whoodie!

20 comments to Nutshell Sans Context — PART ONE

  • Em

    Her first problem was probably trying to bake a cake in a pot. My daughter and I took a cake decorating class at our local craft store recently where the super perky instructor told us “nothing can happen to a cake that a fork can’t fix” (as in, eating the cake). I definitely think Karen’s pot cake can be enjoyed as only good friends can. You know you can’t go elbow deep into a pot for chocolate around just anyone (or ears deep depending on your ladylikeness and place in your cycle).

  • Best thing written so far on your blog this year:

    It woudl have to be, like, Netflix recommends RANGO, because you liked Wrath of Khan, The pornographic wall art of the doomed city of Pompeii, and The Duran Duran video with the guy crawling on the beach in an Olivia Newton-John headband.

  • Linda J

    Pot of cake is exactly what I needed to fix the cherry cobbler that I made tonight. I somewhat got the directions at work and it needed chocolate cake on top not vanilla. Thank You…

    I wish I could bid on the auction but alas…kids and money say no I have to stay…

  • Did you know you can make caramel by boiling a can of sweetened evaporated milk? You can. Look it up. And it would go great with Karen’s cake, which looks surprisingly nummy (as opposed to some of the ones I see on Cake Wrecks, you understand).

  • I had one of those Netflix wtf’s recently. Let’s see…

    It recommended Sherlock (as in Holmes, the BBC series of 1.5 hour long episodes (only three, but HEY) with Benedict Cumberbatch (IKNORITE?!?)) to me at 5 stars because of my interest in Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Firefly: The Complete Series.

    Ummm…what? Now I have watched it, and enjoyed it immensely, but seriously?

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Okay, now I am going to have to google “Liz Lemon and Leia buns”.

  • sillyme

    my favorite random recommendation came from Amazon who said I would like the book “My Life” by Bill Clinton because I had ordered the Brazilian waxing kit. OOOOOOOKAY? What are you trying to say Amazon?
    PS -the purchase was a huge mistake. some things are better left to the professionals

  • Karen

    I love, love, love that you quoted Joe vs. The Volcano. I use that line all the time when I space out when my husband is talking and suddenly expects an answer that indicates I was enthralled with his take on the current economy or why farming is the best profession. (I’m yawning while typing this – BTW)

  • LaurieB

    My parrot loves, just loves scrambled eggs. Also, chicken leg and thigh bones are a true parrot delight. It’s a little creepy the first couple of times around but it’s chicken, not parrot soooo no cannibalism, right? Of course, if she asked for some fava beans and a good chianti I’d start to get nervous.

  • My husband would heartily approve of your viewing BLACK DYNAMITE. Confusing the hell outta Netflix should always be a goal in your viewing selections. We’re trying to watch all the episodes of THIRD ROCK Season 4 before Netflix starts to charge for the “free streaming” in September.

  • Oh, I LOVE sillyme’s recommendation for Clinton’s bio based on the order of a brazilian waxing kit. HILARIOUS

  • JulieB

    Mmm. Pot-o’-cake looks delicious.

  • Aimee

    I am with Karen on Joe Vs. the Volcano — I use that line too, and always try to give it my best Meg Ryan deadpan when I do it.

    Re: number one on your list. Sadly, the only way I can go to Decatur book festival AND have drinks with you in your thirties is I somehow figure out how to build a Tardis. I (sort of) know how to make one out of CAKE, because my friends recently got married and the groom’s cake was a TARDIS CAKE. It was undeniably awesome, but I not think it would let me time travel. Alas.

  • Mr. Husband

    For the record, when you completely space on something you were supposed to do, “brain cloud” is a great excuse.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    WHAT? ALISON? Netflix is going to start charging for Instant Viewing???

  • Yes, Michelle-who-is-Shelley, I am the bearer of bad news. Effective September 1, you will be paying for streaming and/or discs with Netflix. Or as my cousin in Houston likes to call it Netfelix. http://bit.ly/nYHdX8.

  • I am in my second day of teaching this school year. Pot of Cake is SO TOTALLY calling my name.

  • JMixx

    I have started referring to it as “Notflix.” It should NOT take longer to “Load” a movie than it takes to *watch* that movie. For this, you want money?!?

  • LaurieB, thank you! My parrots also eat hot chicken wings, belch, and then say “pardon me.” The scrambled eggs are the only way I can actually sneak yucky nutritious pellets into their diet.

    Also, I much prefer “the beach” to “the Hamptons.” I think the only people who say “the Hamptons” are the ones wearing Lily Pulitzer…

  • Dang Tootin Skippy

    You are a horribly unattractive woman.