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The Poo-fect Storm

Every animal I have is excreting terrible things into my carpet.

Aaaand that opener really should serve as a WARNING, but just in case it does not… This is not a good entry to read while you have a nice lunch. JUST SAYING. This entry contains SCADS of poop. Also urine. NOTHING LUNCHILY-PLEASANT-TO-DISCUSS IS IN THIS ENTRY.

It began with Schubert. He started peeing all over the house. Not a droplet here or a single displeased message about kibble in the laundry there. Oh NO! BUCKETLOADS. A veritable ocean of cat pee.

He was peeing with such FORCE and VIGOR that I could HEAR him jetting liquid hell into the carpet from three rooms away. It sounded like I had an over-hydrated PONY in my den. I would run and pick him up and sprint for the litter box with him jetting arcs up the walls and cussing me out the whole way.

Well he is 15 and is morbidly obese, so I assumed diabetes. A mere 250 bucks at the vet later, I was right, and we had special food and a treatment plan, and he started using the litter box again.

So I went home, cleaned everything with such powerfully toxic cleansing agents that I may well mutate and sprout chitinous wings and fangs in my sleep. (This sentence is the CHORUS. After each verse, I will just say CHORUS, and you come come read this sentence again…)

Two days later, Ansley started peeing all over the house. I thought it was SCHUBERT again, because these were little ladylike secret pees. Never heard her. Took me three days to catch her and stop blaming the cat.

Well, she is a SOLIDLY potty trained and lady-like dog, so I assumed she had a UTI. A mere 187 bucks at the vet later, I was right, and we had antibiotics and a treatment plan, and she started using the yard again.

(GAH Maybe THIS should be the chorus, and I can just fill in different dollar amounts and illnesses and medications….so, this can be the BRIDGE. When I say BRIDGE and a number and an illness and a medication, come back and READ THIS SENTENCE and plug the number in for how much I spent at the vet THAT time, and the sickness, and the medication for what the animal required…)

And now sing the CHORUS with the cleansing agents and chitinous wings.

SO THEN On Friday night, at 1 am, Bagel, the extremely LARGE hound dog with a LARGE AND COPIOUS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM (Foreshadowing! This will be important later!) got up and started grumbling about things and stomping all over me in the bed. I got up and took him out, but he started BARKBARKBARKING, so after he had a minute to pee and bark, I called him in. He still would not go to sleep, but marched all over me, making grumbles.

I went out to the garage with him. There is an old sofa out there, and it was cool at that time. I made him a fresh water bowl and left him there until about 6 am when I got up to work on the book.

That day, Saturday, at 1 pm, which is coincidentally, an hour after the vet closes, Bagel POOPED ALL OVER THE DEN. This was an ABSOLUTE FESTIVAL of pooping. Pooped and pooped and poooooped and then poooped. Then he pooped some more. Then he pooped. After that he wandered into the kitchen and pooped. THEN HE POOPED. And then, as a follow up, he decided to indulge in a little after-poop pooping.

Time for the CHORUS! LA LA! The cleansing agents! LA! The chitenous wings CHORUS! LALA!

While I spent the weekend giving myself bleach-induced brain damage, Bagel lived in the yard, not eating — refusing all food, even broiled CHICKEN, even RICE, but BUT STILL MANAGING TO POOP MORE POOP ONTO THE DECK. It had to have been magic poop he made MAGICALLY with Butt Magic, because he had NO FOOD going in, and yet TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE THINGS KEPT COMING OUT.

Also, later, I went to he GARAGE and discovered his four hours THERE had been time productively spent, if by productively we mean the production of poop. And we do. We doo doo. We doo doo indeed.

Oh is he? I can only assume Johnny Depp is currently stationed on my carpet, then.

Just so you know? MAGIC poop is not actually any more pleasant to clean off your deck than the regular kind.

Time for the BRIDGE, sing the bridge here, inserting 119 dollars, WORMS (gahhhhhh!), and both deworming medication and bowel soothing medication.

SO far the only animal who has not befouled my downstairs in some hidous and expensive manner is The Awful Boggart, but I did just catch him eating a METRIC POUND OF PINK CURLING RIBBON so I am expecting him to yack that back up any second.

I also feel like no carpet can SURVIVE this. I am tempted to take the kids and animals out to the front yard and just burn the place and start over.

I would, except I am not even sure FIRE can properly cleanse this—I think we have to go into orbit and nuke the house from space.

It’s the only way to be sure.

24 comments to The Poo-fect Storm

  • Jennifer in NC

    Hold on, I’m waiting for the official word….And YES this is the new world record for using the word POOP the most times in a single blog entry!
    I’m so sorry that your pets have the sickies. Especially the pooping and the worms.

    p.s. Chitenous wings could come in handy to escape Atlanta traffic jams… Just looking for the bright side!

  • CHORUS! + ( I heard it really tied the room together )

  • Oh…oh dear. I am so sorry.

  • Beth R

    I like the way they seem to have arranged it so nobody else gets sick until the last one is back from the vet. ARGH!

    Hugs Pretty Tulip!

  • You do know Boggart will not yack up the ribbon, but it will travel without disintegrating through his body, and need to be pulled out from behind by either yourself or yet another expensive vet.

    Look at it this way – after all that exposure to heavy duty disinfecting agents, you yourself are unlikely to get sick any time soon.

    Except for the mutation and wings, that is.

  • Oh, dear dear, dearie me. I do not have QUITE so many animals living in my house. I have two cats and a foster dog. (I have a foster dog because my brother has taken up residence in my spare bedroom (read: only spare because my daughter got moved into the boys’ room for the duration) and become a foster kid and his kids are here for the summer and so they have become foster kids also. I was unaware that I had applied to be a foster parent.) So on top of 8 people in my not-big-enough house, I have extra animals. And on top of the foster dog, one of my cats is decrepit. He is old. Going on twenty years old kind of old. When my other old cat (also going on twenty years old) died, we discovered that she had been using a vent in the floor of the dining room as a urinal. The current old, old cat promptly took up where she left off and it took replacing not only the flooring but the sub-flooring to get him to stop.

    Where my brother comes in to all of this is here. My family went on vacation without the foster kids and my brother informed me that he “does not do cats” (LOL-WUT?!? but that’s a whole other rant) so I arranged for my sister-in-law (the OTHER brother’s wife) to come over to my house and take care of my cats. Nice. On the first day Foster Brother tells SIL that he will take care of the cats until he goes out of town in THREE DAYS.

    Take a moment to imagine what cats will do when they are “taken care of” by one who “does not do cats”. Okay, have an image? Right. Old, Old Cat used the dining room with it’s spiffy new duct work, subfloor and flooring (bamboo, thank GOD) as a litter box because Foster Brother took care of them the day after we left and not one wit more. SIL did not come over to check on them until the DAY AFTER Foster Brother left. Oh, yes. So FOR ALMOST FOUR DAYS, the litter was not scooped, the food was not fed and the water was not changed. And where am I? IN TEXAS! Which, by the way, is not any where NEAR North Carolina.

    Now? Old, Old Cat has taken up peeing in the vent again. JOY! We’ve had to buy an expensive, LARGE, baby gate to gate off the dining room that is open to the living room and kitchen (which makes gating it off HARD) so that the ARTHRITIC Old, Old Cat will stay out. So far? It’s working. But still smelly. /sigh

    So, not nearly as epic as the symphony of animal excretions that you are singing about, but this felt like a good place to vent. Some of us are in similar orchestral pits. πŸ™‚

  • stacey

    Ugh. This makes me want to preemptively rip out all of the carpet in my house before my furry beasty runs (no pun intended) into any of these icky bugs. Good luck!

  • kristen

    blurgh – this does not sound fun — even with the chorus. the bridge sounds a bit worse even. so sorry. but on another note, my darling 6th grade daughter has the “i haz a bug” as her wallpaper on her part of our computer.

  • JulieB

    I’m going to see Diane’s prediction and raise her: it will be after you go to the expensive vet that the vet will inform you that you cannot pull the pink string from Boggart’s butt because that could cause massive and potentially fatal intestinal damage (true, actually), so you will have to follow said cat around with your shears as he trails pink string like a kite tail in an effort to catch him and snip the pieces off his @$$ over a week’s time.

    I’m sorry. I had a similar year last year when our little cat was diagnosed with a chronic kidney disease and our dog joined in with some sort of intestinal bug and destroyed our 2 year old basement carpet. Hang in there.

  • Jessica

    I had a cat who ended up with diabetes, and I am so grateful that she was lady-like and simply too graceful to pee anywhere but in her litterbox. (But, man, I had to clean that thing at least once, if not twice, per day.) She was not obese, but a tiny, little, decrepit kind of granny-type kitty (which is why she could never imagine peeing anywhere else) that you would see every so often sprinting for the bathroom (well, granny-sprinting). One time on the way home from the vet, she ended up peeing in the cat carrier, and I thought she was going to die from embarrassment. I had to give her a bath (so I saw her all wetted-down, which is the cat equivalent of NAKED! OMG!, so she was not happy with me for a day or two), which she meekly submitted to (well, kind of.) *sighs* I miss that cat. My vet told me that she missed her, too, since she could take blood for her every-six-month 24-hour curve tests by herself (poor kitty ended up being insulin resistant, so we were testing her to verify that none of the insulins were working and to double-check organ function), which no one in the office had ever heard of. Most cats need at least one to hold them down and one to take the blood. No offense, but that cat was the most awesome in the world. (I think I’m going to go tear up and miss her for a while.)

    Anyway, good luck with your kitty and doggy and doggy!

  • DebR

    I have 2 words for you. (Or maybe 3 words.) Hardwood Floors. (Or maybe Hard Wood Floors? Nah, I think the 2 words was right.)

    I live in a household that has never had less than 3 animals in residence during the past 20 years or so and has had as many as 6 at a time. (Current count – 5: 3 dogs, including one that is getting old and 2 cats, including one that is already old.) My husband and I decided several years ago that our multi-pet household and our carpet were mutually incompatible. Either the carpet or the pets had to go. We chose to lose the carpet & started gradually, one room at a time, pulling every single scrap of the stuff out of the house & replacing it with either real hardwood or the fake-o laminate stuff, depending on the room & our budget at the time. FWIW the real stuff is prettier, but the fake-o stuff seems to be more animal-damage-resistant. Both allow for a much more simple & thorough cleaning of various noxious substances, from puke to pee to poop to mouse guts (with bonus blood!). Also, the humans in the house have noticed an improvement in our allergy symptoms. Yay!

    So, as a possible alternative to the nuke thing I propose giving your house’s floors a woody. πŸ™‚

  • Chrissa

    Oh my. This reminds me of Merlin & Varda & the Great Mushroom Feeding Frenzy. We are now well stocked with stomach-soothing dog food AND I know the location of all the hidden mushroom places around the backyard. No chitinous wings yet, though. πŸ™

    Much sympathies for you & the furry ones.

  • Linda J

    Wow What an amazing week you have had. I hope that all is well soon.

    Do you have any idea how hard it is to wait till January for A Grown Up Kind Of Pretty? Answer=AGONY

  • Cat pee is awful, and I know this because I have a cat who in all other ways is wonderful, but every morning pees on a towel that is on the sofa. The towel is on the sofa because if it was not, he would just pee on the sofa.

    As for the curling ribbon, it’s probably too late for this to do you any good now, but a judicious internal application of hydrogen peroxide (a teaspoon every five minutes until results are achieved) will make the cat hurk up the ribbon. It’s a multiperson job forcing hydrogen peroxide down a cat’s gullet (I recommend a baby medicine dropper) and it may take half an hour or more, but it’s better than worrying about his intestines being tied into a pretty package. By the way, the peroxide is on recommendation from my vet under similar circumstances. It works for dogs, too.

  • First, let me say that I am sending you sympathy and empathy and all that. During my 20’s, I “followed my passion” and worked in the Investigations Unit for a large humane society (large = the kind that can’t close their doors to all the sick and crazy beasties then boast about what a better they do placing pets in homes. Grrrr!) Anyhoo, there was a time when I did not own a single piece of clothing that wasn’t stained with animal excretions or bleached beyond decency (this was the 90’s. I couldn’t rock a mullet and call it fashion.) There was a point when I ruined my last pair of Levis during a parvo outbreak when I curled up on the floor and cried because my measly paycheck (less than I could make at Taco Bell) made it impossible to purchase another pair any time in the foreseeable future.

    Second, that was one of the funniest blog posts of all time. Seriously. I nearly made a mess on my own rug from laughing so hard.

  • Michelle-who-is-Shelley

    Sounds like you have the cleaning process pretty much mastered, but as someone who has had cats and now has dogs I wanted to share that Kids ‘N’ Pets is by far the best cleaning product that I have ever had for getting the odor out. ESPECIALLY cat pee.

    I am also now going to stop complaining to my family about my older dog who keeps getting “spots” on the carpet after she has done her business OUTSIDE. I will count myself lucky that she is going outside.

  • JMixx

    Oh my. I have, unfortunately, an entry similar to this one (although not so funny, and with much more hair-pulling-out) entitled “Pissy Cats and Poopy Dogs” on my own blog, which I do not update very often. Point being, I can sympathize AND empathize. I have been known to ask my critters, “WHY can you NOT KEEP what belongs inside of you, inside of you?????”

  • Kathy

    I am so SO sorry………and LMAO. And so sorry about THAT, but it’s your fault. The way you write about it is hilarious. Heh. Again….sorry and sorry.

  • Cathi

    Oh dear! Aren’t pets fun!! My golden retriever swallowed my husbands sock once and I had to literally pull it out of her! Great memories. But hey it makes for a good story after a few drinks! And I still love my critters!

  • There’s no such thing as a metric pound.

  • I don’t want to make light of your traumatic, bodily-fluid soaked, dookie-smeared, hideous experience…but reading this post made me larf and larf and larf. And since today has been a terrible day involving a very badly placed needle at the blood bank and a very swollen and painful arm, that larfing was somewhat needed.
    I bet Febreze and scented candles are also needed, huh?

  • Tam

    Can’t breathe. Laughing too hard. I think I love you. And your poop ladden animals.