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A NOTE TO ROBBERS

Him: Honey? On the blog, maybe you should not tell people you are going out of town for a whole week.

Me: Why?

Him: Because the internet has ROBBERS on it as well as nice people. Maybe even robbers who know where you live or who are related to one of us. *ahem* And it isn’t good to tell ROBBERS exactly when you will be out of town.

Me: But the house sitter will be here.

(ASIDE TO YOU: YES I now have so many ANIMALS that it is cheaper to get a young college man to STAY OVER HERE and SNEAK DRINK UP ALL OUR TOP SHELF LIQUOR then to board some and have a service visit others…)

Him: But you didn’t say we had a house sitter, just that we would be gone.

Me: So they might still come. The robbers.

Him: Yes.

Me: And kill the house sitter.

Him: Probably.

Me: And then we will come home to a house CHOCK FULL of dog poop.

Him: And a house sitter corpse.

Me: That all sounds SO unpleasant.

My solution is to post the following note to alla ya’ll robbers. Best Beloveds feel free to look away.

DEAR ROBBERS,

We have a house sitter.

Also, just so you do not feel bad for missing what SHOULD have been a golden window, there is not much here worth stealing—I mean, have you SEEN my jewelry? It is heavy on the Fossil chain bracelets and silver crosses and light on the actual gold or jools.

We do have some PRIME technology, but, sadly (for you) we have become SUPER addicted to DARKFALL and want to relentlessly PVP on vacation, so we are bringing the two hot gaming laptops and my writing netbook (just in case the earth falls off its axis and I actually get a strange urge to WORK while on vacation).

All that is left here is that crappy desktop where Maisy plays DISNEY PRINCESS DRESS UP and Sam plays DIABLO. You could steal a better computer from your local library. (But don’t. You go straight to hell for stealing from a library. )

If you do come, please do not kill the house sitter.

Love,
Joss

6 comments to A NOTE TO ROBBERS

  • Em

    Noted. Not that I would rob you (or anybody. The stealing part of the 10 commandments is pretty clear, where the swearing one has a little wiggle room). You post reminded me of how my law enforcing husband is always telling me to lock my car. Then I laugh and laugh! It would be such a blessing for somebody to take that piece of garbage off of my hands, saving me the constant questions of exactly where and when it will sputter its last rusty cough and leave me stranded. Besides, the locks don’t work anymore anyway.

    Have a relaxing vacation! Drink relaxing drinks and think relaxing thoughts! I hope you have great weather!

  • We must speak in WHISPERS when we leave my in-laws house in Galveston so no one KNOWS that we are leaving. . .not that the car starting and driving away isn’t a good clue.

  • GAMER GEEKS WILL RULE THE WORLD…or at least Azeroth.

  • Myra

    Remember to pull the shades (or the nice left-behind window dressings). That always throws ’em off. They may see a driveway full of newspapers but if the shades are pulled, they’ll stop to wonder, maybe just long enough for the Neighborhood Watch to notice.

  • linda j

    ok question time. If you see a house locked up tight lights off garage doors closed you kind of get the idea no one is home right? Free picking for the thieves. But what if the front door is wide open, screen door closed, tv on, garage door open, radio on, car parked in driveway with the windows down? Which house would seem more empty to thieves? Don’t just create the illusion of Fort Knox but set the stage for a game of exactly where are they… ok that doesn’t sound right but you should get the idea. Empty closed up house or open lived in house? Think about it.

  • Lori B.

    I don’t much worry about someone breaking in while we are gone, but I do worry about them breaking in when Mr. Engineer is gone and his three beautiful children and I are alone and defenseless. So I never post my “woe is me my husband is gone for two weeks for the fortyleventh time this year” comments on the Facebooks. I figure that’s just inviting trouble when all I want are sympathy points…