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I Am Not Dead. I AM, However, Super Longwinded.

This is a Porn Moose.

Dear Facebook-Beloveds, I am not dead, and if you read the last entry HERE, you probably guessed I was just busy. Also I had no internet for days. And stuff. Want to play catch up? And find out what a Porn Moose is? (Hint: Look Left) ME TOO!

So, I’ll be Mr. Peabody and you be Sherman; get in my way back machine and let us rewind to the very front of June…

Retreat was insane—Basically I got up every morning around between 5 and 6 am and worked on the book for around 6 hours, then did teacher-work for 3 or 4 hours, breaking only to gobble fruit and work out 2 or 3 times a day, doing 1 or 2 punishingly vertical hikes and a minimum of 30 minutes of yoga. That was a daily 12 hours of solid, virtuous industry for 5.5 days, and I have the completed chapters/student packets/evaluations/AWESOME cardio vascular integrity to show for it. *PREEN*

I swan, I grew an inch of pink terminator-style LUNG MUSCLE doing all that speed stomping straight up hills in the CRAZY thin air….now, at home on my elliptical, it feels like I am breathing rich, delicious cream, even when I keep jacking the resistance. My lung muscles? They could totally kick your dad’s lungs muscle’s buttocks. *

And all the crazy exercise means I got out only up about two pounds, though Sara pre-made INSANELY good dinners—A Canadian Christmas Meat Pie I had never heard of (Tourtine? Voltaire-tart? Tortoise-tierre? Toile-tine? No idea, but it was awesome: her buttery light homemade pastry with a savory meat filling. Chicken-n-Dumplins, REAL French onion soup with homemade beef broth, Truffled Mac-n-Chee…CRAZY good dinners.

Also Sara, Karen and I wrote a group blog for Lipstick Chronicles, and I will give you a heads up when that posts, but for NOW, let me just say…did you know they have WHOLE HUGE CATALOGS and WEB-STORES devoted to something called “Cabin Décor?” DO you know that Cabin Décor is a code word that means “Hella Lotta Bears?”

You can get bears on ANYTHING. Proof:

REAL art, people. Not FAKE bear art that SOME people are willing to slap onto their toilets, all willy-nilly. If you want a toilet seat that will have your guests wondering if they are STILL in the cabin they rented or if somehow, they have been mystically transported to have an upscale French tinkle in The Louvre, this is the toilet seat for you.

This is a Porn Moose, looking away.

Now, the cabin we were in, ALAS, had not invested in toilet art bears, but there were PLENTY of bears. Super plenty. (Not ALIVE ones, thank goodness. The one bear we heard chuffing in the woods as it came slavering out to kill us turned out to be a charming golden retriever making bearlike sounds. YAY.) But there were superplenty bears on the sofa upholstery and the rug and as figurines and wall art and soap holders and dishes etc etc etc. Under super plenty, file also: Moose.

This is what you do, if you get a mountain cabin. You stuff it with Bears and Moose. I remember the year a hurricane took out the beach house we had rented, and we got a last minute mountain place instead. Bears? Rife with.

It was VERY luxurious, and the beds were so nice all three of us insomniacs actually SLEPT (the thin air helped) and the kitchen was so well stocked we never left. Great place. The VIEWS were insanely LOVELY, so lovely in fact that more than once even Karen and I were induced by Sara-with-a-Soul to blink at them and, while we did not gasp and swell with roiling emotive feelings of beautyness and hope, we did admit that, as sunsets and and cloud formations and tree-lined green vistas went, these ones seemed well above average.

ALSO the whole mountain was positively CRAWLING with big long leaping hares and their little puffy cousin bunnies, both hiding from the MAJESTUOUS EAGLES who showed off their five foot wing spans as they soared over positive HERDS of beautiful brown bounding sleek summertime bark-fat She-Deers. All of these things are HUGELY relevant to my interests. I gasped and pointed and teared up and drank in their absolute wild ALIVENESS, so to each their own awe-triggers, eh?

The place we got DID have a bear phone. And Sara saw it and instantly said, OH IT IS LIKE THE DUCK PHONE. ONLY A BEAR. And she hollered down to Karen THERE IS A BEAR PHONE, and Karen hollered back, OH! LIKE THE DUCK PHONE?

I was the only one who did not get the reference (apparently there is a duck phone on Jersey Shore?) and so I immediately pointed out my VIRTUOUS BEAMING GREATNESS OF MIND because MY EYES HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY JERSEY SHORE TELEVISION. NOT A SPECK.

My moral superiority was quickly shot into flivvens by my dear friendies, who pointed out I was the only person present who had watched even a MILLISECOND of that vacuous black hole of a show that NO ONE is watching with that blonde woman, WHICH I only GLANCED AT for five minutes to see if she could still POSSIBLY still think that at her AGE it’s remotely cute to poke her lip and stomp about like a petulant pre-teen just denied her rightful Bieber tickets. (Short answer: yes)

As I mentioned in the entry before this, we all got very tickled over this CHARMING yet obscene little figurine who is a combination book end /reading glasses holder, but without books to hold up, he looks a little…compromised. And lonely. And hopeful. Such a CHEERFUL expression—he believes his one true love will one day arrive. And until that glorious day, he will (as the SMUG man yoga instructor on the DVDs kept saying OVERnOVER as he bent us into pain pretzels and then made us STICK IN THEM for what seemed like days) “Honor the position.”

We named him Porn Moose, and he was the prize for every game of poker and pool and trivia we played at night. Whoever won got to keep him for the evening (not that anyone could win—not that we could even FINISH, what with me and Karen cheating and relentlessly fit pitching and forcing the whole game to restart the second either of us began losing, but theoretically. Say, if we weren’t so competitive we can turn Tic-Tac-Toe into a BLOOD SPORT.) We HATED to leave him at the cabin, and we CALLED THE OWNERS trying to find out where they got him so we could get one for US, and they GAVE HIM to us. Which. Wow. Yay. SO NICE!

Sara INSISTED we finish at least one game, the last night, and then had the poor taste to WIN IT in spite of it being her idea but she probably cheated AND I went all in on a PERFECT straight only she had the exact SAME straight, except her one spare card was a seven, and mine was a six. Which is cheating. Somehow. Unless I have the seven. BUT the up-shot is, she has Porn Moose on her desk, holding her reprint notices until next writing retreat, at Karen’s, in August, where I plan to show up with a Joker in my pocket and an Ace tucked in my bra and take him back!

*If your dad’s lung muscles actually HAVE buttocks you should probably get him to see a doctor about that. **

**In Savannah I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Ask your doctor if taking medical advice from television ads paid for by the pharmaceutical industry is right for YOU!” and if they had it in magnet form, I would have bought it and slapped that puppy on The Good Cat’s bumper. ***

***In Savannah I also saw the T-Shirt pictured here, and I WAS SO CHARMED because, of course, I think that’s actually TRUE. In my family, we all say to each other, “You are my very favorite,” and mean it no matter which one we are speaking to, so I AM, see? But ALAS! Without the CONTEXT of my family lexicon, it blipped a little too high on the blas-pho-meter for my Raised Right Southern Girl comfort. ****

**** That’s not pronounced BLAS-fo-meeter. It is pronounced like blas-FAH-m’ter. Just so you know.

16 comments to I Am Not Dead. I AM, However, Super Longwinded.

  • Judy in California

    You are back, you are back, and we are doin’ the Happy Dance as a result. (And I have decided that the only thing more disturbing than the Porn Moose is the sight of that bear-infested toilet seat lid with the Mama Bear’s tongue sticking out. Eeeeewwwww…)

  • I just awoke from a long anniversary’s nap (18 years today), and so your post was my post-nap reading. I sat and read and goggled and saved my laughter to the end, because that bear phone? The one that is like the duck phone only a bear? Well, I just don’t KNOW if I could either listen from or speak INTO a beehive. And Porn Moose is probably missing you RIGHT THIS SECOND. As far as someone’s dad’s lungs having buttocks that would necessitate medical observation. . .good, stinkin’ NIGHT. . .hilarious. Thank you for the punchline. It was an 11. And ALSO my husband and I once saw an episode of King of the Hill where Hank’s obnoxious, misogynistic, relentless dad wants to move in with them. He, Bobby, Peggy and Luane all get to vote. Of course the vote is split down the middle, so Hank hurriedly says, “Jesus loves ‘im and that makes three! We win!!!”

  • Sara

    I would just like to point out the bedspread behind the Bear Phone…

  • Lindsey

    As a Canadian, I’m weirdly excited that you ate tourtière! It is definitely delicious, and seems appropriate for a mountain top writing retreat, as it is a great comfort food.

    I am also glad that you are not dead and you were able to write this hilarious post. Next year, you will win the Porn Moose, I am sure of it!

  • Kitty

    I have only read as far as tourtiere and I must comment (and plus, it’s past my bedtime so I’ll finish reading your blog at work tomorrow, which is where I like to read your blog because it brings me happiness at work, where happiness is sometimes hard to find). Anyhow … tourtiere. YES! In my family, we call it “French Meat Pie” and we have it every year at Christmas. I don’t know why we don’t have it more often because it’s wonderful. But probably because it wouldn’t be as special and therefore not as wonderful if we had it all the darn time. My mother’s side of the family hailed (many, many moons ago) from French Canada. I, for one, am happy they brought the French Meat Pie with them when they crossed the border! (I guess a long-winded post deserves a long-winded reply? Sorry.)

  • DebR

    1. I kinda love Porn Moose.
    2. I kinda hate the toilet seat because it reminds me all too much of the uber-creepy Charmin bear who is waaaaaaayyyyy too happy & excited about what he’s doin’ in the woods. Ugh.
    3. What show with what blonde woman? That one went so far over my head I don’t think I even saw the vapor trail. Also, I would not have gotten the duck phone reference.
    4. My blasphometer must be more low-brow than yours because, while I wouldn’t wear that t-shirt (I don’t wear t-shirts with sayings on them because I have a THING about using my boobage as a billboard), I would totally put that saying on my car if I found it as a bumper sticker.
    5. I also love the actual bumper sticker you saw.

  • Jill W.

    Deb- I don’t know what the blonde woman show is either.

    My dad had a double lung transplant 5 years ago, so I don’t know how proud you should be about kicking his pulmonary buttocks, but feel free to feel superior to everyone else’s dad. ; P

    Love the Porn Moose, but that bear phone is going to haunt my dreams. Also, I can’t believe I have been wrong about what real art is all these years…

    Glad you are back and had a productive and fun retreat!

  • Aimee

    Duuude… DebR, the bear toilet seat TOTALLY made me think of the Charmin bears. Do. Not. Like.

    I love, however, the porn moose. AND that bumper magnet.

    Most of all, I love to start my Monday with this post!

  • Brigitte

    I have often fantasized about having my own cabin off in the woods, packed to the gills with the tackiest bear/moose decor available! 😉

    I also was excited about the tourtiere, which I sadly can’t make as well as my grandmother did . . and I also know not which shows of which you speak.

  • Aprill

    I am His favorite…so are you, and you, and you….. 🙂

  • Scottsdale Girl

    I MUST HAVE THE PORN MOOSE. NOW. *off to Google…uh, eh Porn Moose? Hmm, perhaps I should wait til I am at home for that google search.

  • Lulu

    moose business card holder:
    (no pr0n in sight!)
    you are welcome.

    And thank heaven you are back, Miss J. Although I consoled myself with the thought of all the fabulous material you were, no doubt, drafting at a mad pace. Yay! Sounds like it was a mahvelously different drafting experience for you (translates: great books for us, later)!

  • linda j

    OK wait was the bear phone one of the ones with gasp CORDS?? I wish I still had my land line just so that I didn’t have to play where did I leave it this time with my cell

  • Glad you’re back fit, rested, and downy-dewed with nature-awe. Love the bee-hive ends on the bear phone, too.

  • D

    yep,at’s a porn moose if ever I did see one.

  • erinanne

    Are you talking about that show a couple of years ago with Christina Applegate? Which nobody was watching, and got cancelled?

    Or some other show with a vacuous blonde?