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A Brief Note on My Obviously Rising Mental Illness Number

This is my brain. This is my brain on the sofa.

Okay, so my last blog left a few people head scratching in the comments. I apologize. Now, in plain, accessible English, for those who were lost in my sugar-crusted verbiage swamp, the main and salient point of the entry was this:


Oh wait, no. That was the subtext. The main and salient points were actually these:

1) I really wanted to eat 17 pounds of candy corn.

2) I did not buy any.

3) But only because the stores I was in didn’t have it or had inferior gross kinds.

4) But then I pretended I was super virtuous and all “I KNOW MORE HEALTHY WAYS TO RELIEVE STRESS (and here we understand that “relieving stress” is a euphemism for “tamping down the bat-crap crazy”) THAN GORGING ON FOOD WITH A NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF NONE.

5) But still I took credit and pretended I had amazing willpower which….I do not.

If I did, would I have gotten this email yesterday?


Dear Ms. Jackson:

Thank you for writing Farley’s & Sathers Candy Company, Inc. regarding Brach’s® Milk Maid® Chocolate Caramel Candy Corn…Consumer feedback is very important to us, and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

At this time, we only offer Brach’s® Milk Maid® Chocolate Caramel Candy Corn during the Halloween season. I apologize for this inconvenience. It will be available this year for Halloween. If you have trouble finding the product, please contact us closer to the season and we can assist you in locating a retailer in your area.


M**** Z***
Consumer Relations

The very existence of this e-mail proves that my IMMEDIATE response to not getting the candy corn was to search Obscure Candy Selling Sites for a related (but superior) goody, and, upon not finding it, to fire off an hysterical, “WHERE IS THAT CHOCKLIT CANDY CORNNNNNNNN, PLEASE TO REMIT 17 BAGS IMMEDIATELY,” wail of an email to the parent company that makes Brach’s candies. *weak smile*


Truthfully? I am very pleased that you can only that chocolate corn at Halloween. May it always be so!

I like seasonal things you can only get at X time—remember when peeps were only at Easter and every year when the Peeps came it was like, OH YAY! PEEPS TIME!

But now they have Pumpkin Peeps and Turkey Peeps and Santa Peeps and MINTY STAR PEEPS which are JUST wrongful. What is next? Joke Peeps shaped like reindeer turds? Shamrock Peeps? Little BIRCH Peeps for Arbor Day? Martin Luther King Day Peeps????

BLERRRG all the special has leaked right out of them.

Although it is still fun to put them in the microwave. (Where they do a PRETTY good impression of what my BRAIN is doing.)

So… how’s YOUR sanity holding up this days?

13 comments to A Brief Note on My Obviously Rising Mental Illness Number

  • linda j

    Sanity!? Are you kidding??? I missed that class in utero. Today is the first full day of Summer vacation. My son was so clingy I’m surprised I could pee with the door closed. We made a double batch of chocolate chip cookies and now the bread is rising. With his request for sketti and monster meat balls for dinner I’m living in the kitchen today. Tomorrow? I’m not even making toast lol.

  • Gray

    So, so insane. Having my hair done in an hour. That will help. Then maybe my nails. It’s so close to my birthday that I think I can justify having a Shellac manicure.

    ALSO! You are not even CLOSE to crazy, you are just crazy BUSY. Two completely different things.

  • I totally got the last post and really enjoyed the “how to not” get candy corns. I loved it. Although, candy corns, I do not so you can have my share. What does that say about MY mental illness number?

    On that note. I herniated a disk in my back in September of LAST YEAR and have been basically laying down since with varying degrees of normal life participation based on pain level. I had finally had about two weeks where I was MOSTLY pain free and had been up and participating and stuff when BAM, I was hurting again. I went back to my chiropractor who said, “Well, you needed an adjustment, which explains the pain. Now go home and take it easy.” Taking it easy is the story of my LIFE these days and you know what? I was happy. HAPPY! when he basically told my that my vertebrae are defective and THAT is my problem. heh, YEAH.

  • First, what does it say about my mental illness number that I also understood your last post? Down to the sitting-on-Scott’s-lap with faux modesty part, except in lieu of a “Scott” I have a “ToolMaster.”

    Second, we don’t have chocolate candy corn here. Nor peeps, except of the white or yellow variety. In other words, we Canucks might be crazy about many, many things, but we draw the line at the confectionary counter.

  • Em

    I am disturbed that the microwave peeps heads stay intact while the rest inflates. Not that I wish for Peep headsplosions but their calm, logical little faces sitting there while their backsides expand like a fast motion clip of mine since I had children… it just disturbs me.

    As for your seasonal goodies, at least you’ll always have girl scout cookies

  • Lindsey

    I lost my wallet today. Then, after going home to find said wallet (which wasn’t there, but in my son’s daycare bag AT his daycare), I ran out of gas in my driveway.

  • Julie O

    Who can mention seasonal candy without the king of all seasonal candy: Cadbury Cream eggs! Which thank goodness are only available at easter lest I gain five thousand pounds.

  • DebR

    re: my sanity
    1. I GOT the previous post completely.
    2. I have a site BOOKMARKED where it is possible to buy Twizzlers sweet ‘n’ sour filled twists by the CASE. (I haven’t done it. So far. Gulp.)
    SO…’nuff said.

    OH! Wait, not quite ’nuff said. Because two nights ago I was watching something I had recorded on the DVR over a YEAR ago & only was just now in the mood to see. (What? Doesn’t everyone do that?) One of the things I LOVE about the DVR is the little button that allows you to skip ads, but despite my religious use of said button, GUESS what ad I caught the end of?? No, not the reunion show of The Dangling Participles – an ad for Twizzlers Sweet ‘n’ Sour Filled Twists! Gaaahhh! The universe is mocking me.

  • Good heavens, the mental illness number is rocketing up, isn’t it? I’m not blog hijacking, but if you have a moment to go to the Saturday Murderati post, you will see that you and Cornelia Read are racing each other into the stratosphere.

    But oh, how I LOVE LOVE LOVE the peeps-in-microwave clip!

  • LaurieB

    Gulp, I don’t know if you’ll hate me for this…but, you can buy Brach’s Milk Maid caramel candy corn here. http://www.candywarehouse.com/caramelcorns.html And, it’s *on sale* -1/2 off!!! My theory is feed the crazy well, it’ll be satisfied and will go away peacefully. To that end, I’m hitting Fat Matt’s Rib Shack today for some of that superior bbq, to promote good mental health, heh. I’m not touching the peeps thing, it is fascinating, tho.

  • edj

    If you mix the caramel corns with peanuts that makes them a healthy, protein-filled snack. I might eat that. I do not like normal candy corn because it is disgusting,but the choc/caramel combo sounds kind of good. And re: my own sanity, I was so VERY PROUD of you for not buying candy corn, esp when they did not have the good stuff 😉 Oh I got that! And I am totally sane right now and proving it by taking advil every 4 hours as I seem to be clenching up my shoulders an awful lot. If I were not insane, I would eat candy instead of advil, as it is healthier for me in the long run.

  • I am so totally *shocked* that your candy corn post was not perfectly clear to everyone. Which totally indicates what my mental health number is because I thought it was a brilliant post.

  • Carrie (in MN)

    My husband went out of town last week and upon his return I greeted him by dumping the kids on him so I could go to yoga and then after yoga, having a G&T with my dinner. When I explained that this was necessary because I was “a little tightly wound” his reply was to eyeball roll and give me an “oh rilly, I hadn’t noticed.” I understood your candy corn post too, BTW.