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Silly-Fox and How to Not

OKAY I promise we are done with contests for a bit! NO MORE. They require all one of my organizational skill to stretch to the limit, and then the skill snaps back and pops me in the face like an angry and overworked rubber band. Exception being, of course, winner of the silliest Fox Contest ever.

The challenge: The other day, Scott said to me, ““Mjǫlnir is not the hammer,” And I all but fell over laughing. Explain the joke.

I got more than 30 answers, and 26 of them were correct. I failed to think of a way to fairly print the names out and saturate the paper slips with bacon in a way that would encourage Ansley to pick only ONE. To Ansley, all things with bacon residue on them are equally beautiful and deserving of being fully rended and swallowed and puked up later into my shoes. So! I rolled the good old RNG. Rosemary won. Her answer:

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I am not enough of a geek to recognize Mjǫlnir as Thor’s hammer (my Norse mythology isn’t that good, and I never seem to make it to any movies). However, I am enough of a geek to know a Dr. Horrible reference when I hear one, and enough of a librarian that I then had to look up Mjǫlnir, which made the whole joke that much better, and I completely understand why you were dying of laughter! However, I am also enough of a prude, that that’s as far as I’m going with my explanation of the joke. 🙂

Also, since I’m writing to an author (something I never do), I will take this opportunity to say that while I discovered your blog first, I love your books, and I look forward to A Grown-Up Kind of Pretty!

Rosemary

THANKS, Rosemary, for your compliment and for your….discretion. Shoot me an email telling me your snail addy so I can Fox-i-fy you.

AND NOW! Welcome to a new feature on the blog that I am going to start doing, if I remember to, which I won’t so it isn’t a feature so much as an entry I WISH was a feature. But if you are glass half full sort and somehow you think it WILL be a feature, ask yourself where the FAQ is on this website.

*makes significant eyebrows*

The new feature want-to-be would be FUN though. It would be called, HOW TO NOT.

Today’s entry is HOW TO NOT BUY CANDY CORN

First, you have to reallyreallyreally want candy corn. If you do not want it, then NOT buying it is hardly an achievement. For example, today I also did not buy a Jetta, some fake vomit, the services of a prostitute, or a home falconry kit. I take no credit for this, because for me, a guide on HOW TO NOT buy those things would begin and end with a single step:

1) Don’t want the thing at all, and then you won’t buy it. Win.

But it is impossible right now today for you and I to not want Candy Corn, and here we understand that Candy Corn is representative of A THING WE WANT VERY BADLY. It is of course my literal candy corn, the yellow, white and orange real honey-made, tongue-burning sweet of my dreams, literal and delicious, and an absolute diet wrecker.

But for YOU, the words candy corn might represent a Jetta, some fake vomit, the services of a prostitute, or a home falconry kit or WHATEVER you dearly want but should not buy because it is illegal or gross or foolish (when you could get the much cuter BEETLE for almost the same money) or dangerous in that you could contract an STD or have your eye put out by an enormous raptor-bird.

The easiest way is this: Stay away from the places where they sell it.

But every HOW TO NOT has BUTS, and here is the first. But say you cannot. You have to go to the selling place for OTHER REASONS. If you are in a place where they have Candy Corn, tell yourself you are not going to buy it. Tell everyone with you that you are not going to buy it. You will be too ashamed to buy it after announcing you shall not so emphatically to the public!

But say your daughter then says, “Well but could you buy it for ME,” and you see a LOOPHOLE in which you could pretend to buy it for her, then give her a small handful, then DECIMATE THE BAG after she is asleep. WHAT THEN?

Then I suggest that you go to the aisle saying, “Of course I will get you some, bunny,” to your daughter. It is likely they won’t have Brach’s, but only KROGER brand, which is not even made with REAL HONEY, and you can pretend to be NOBLE and resist it when really…it’s just not that good. You can get your daughter Dots, which you don’t even like because they taste like Gummi Water and stick to your teeth. Bleh.

But what if you then face another challenge, namely, you forget your Zycam Chews you are taking to not get sick before retreat, and you have to stop at the drugstore.

Solution! Pick a drug store where the candy buyer is some WEIRDO FREAK who has stocked the shelves with 50 kinds of sour patch crap and Circus Peanuts and Orange Slices and LEMON DROPS EVEN THOUGH NO LIVING HUMAN EATS THOSE SINCE MY GRAMMA PASSED. This freak has failed to purchase candy corn of any kind. None at all. Not even a crappy brand. You can then STOMP OUT victorious without buying even your cold medicine in a pet.

Now, here is the most important step. COME HOME and sit on the lap of your husband and announce how AWESOME you are. Say you wanted to buy candy corn ALL DAY and went to many of the kinds of stores that normally carry it, but you did not buy it. Preen. Be made much of.

After all, you deserve it. You succeeded to not buy candy corn! You are practically worthy of joining Super Friends, what with your mad HOW TO NOTTING super powers.
-+
PS Tonight the dog’s have their class. Right beside Target. I think as a reward for my amazingness I should go in there and get myself a little reward. Perhaps I shall spy, with my little
eye, something Brachs…

19 comments to Silly-Fox and How to Not

  • Jessica

    Great, now I want some candy corn. 🙁 I didn’t even get a jelly bean for Easter, so I’ve been wanting real jelly beans, but now…now I want jelly beans AND candy corn.

  • One day when I was about 14, my mother gave me some money for lunch. Instead, I bought fresh candy corn, the kind where you tell a person behind the counter how much you would like and then they scoop it and weigh it and put it in a cute little paper bag. And then I ate it. All. For lunch. It is very easy for me to not buy candy corn now.

    But here’s an extra how to not buy candy corn: Think about how nice it was to sit on your husband’s lap. Not the being made much of part, the actual sitting part. The part where you didn’t think, “hmmm, my backside is pretty whomping large, I don’t want to hurt the poor guy. I think I’ll sit in the chair instead.” Lap sitting or candy corn – pick one.

  • btw. I eat lemon drops. I LOVE LEMON DROPS! Last I checked, I am, in fact, human, and no, I’m not undead. **smirk**

  • Gramma? Is that… YOU?

  • Karen

    I lived for 42 years without trying candy corn. **Insert gasp here.** Then my coworker started rhapsodizing about it, and her oldest daughter shamed me by exclaiming that she couldn’t believe I’d never had it. (She’s a tweeen, so her shaming talents are at their prime.) Anyway, I indulged. Then I craved. Then people I knew started pushing the little cones of love at me. It’s a very real temptation. Not like adultery or coveting, but more like the kind Satan tried pulling in the wilderness with Jesus. Makes me wonder if Jesus would have been impervious to Brach’s.
    Enjoy your visit to Target.

  • Great. Now I want a home falconry kit. I don’t even know what it is really, but I want one.

  • Mel

    Try this: mix equal parts fresh candy corn, M&Ms and honey roasted peanuts. It might be the most compulsively addictive thing you’ve eaten. (If you are not allergic to M&Ms and/or honey roasted peanuts, that is.) I know that is a far out claim, but I give that concoction as little treatsie gifts every fall and people ask me for the recipe it is so yummy. And then they feel dumb.

  • linda j

    Honey dear, How strong is the mental illness number running today? This is the first post I had to reread 4 times OUT LOUD and I’m still not sure I get it. Maybe it is me but all I can say is um HUH?

    Still Love you. I’m listening to The Girl Who Stopped Swimming again. Just finished listening to Backseat Saints. I do wonder how long it takes you to come up with the voices for so many characters?

  • DebR

    I actually don’t like candy corn. Not even the “good” kind. (I know. I KNOW!) But you want to know what I do like? Wanna know what my “candy corn” is? These: Twizzler Sweet ‘n’ Sour Filled Twists I CRAVE them. I can go to the link I just linked to & scroll down to the “important information” and read the ingredient list & it will gross me out enough to Not Buy them for a while. But then one day I will see them on an end cap display at a nearby store where I INNOCENTLY stopped to buy toilet paper & shampoo and I will forget all about the glyceryl Monostearate and the sodium Lactate and yes, even the Carnauba Wax (WAX!!!) and I will buy a package. Or two. Or MAYBE four. Ahem. But that was last week. This week I have NOT been to that store, not even once, and I’m not going back again until I read that ingredient list enough times for the sulfur Dioxide to burn into my brain and jump start my freakin’ willpower. Gaaahhhhh!!!

  • You knwo what I cannt have NEAR me? Like, I will eat the whole bag and then fall into a sugar coma and die?

    Brachs Milk Maid Chocolate Caramel flavored Candy Corn. PRAISE THE LORD it only seems to happen at Halloween.

    It has real Cocoa. SO. I am sure it is practically organic.

    http://www.looneystuff.com/looneystuff/brachs-candy-corn-milk-maid-chocolate-caramel-19oz-539g-bag-ff8081811ba39277011c7ccd990058be-p.html

  • Jennifer in NC

    My HOW TO NOT will always be chocolate. Forever and ever, Amen. And if the chocolate has collided with peanut butter, forget it! Give me about 10 minutes and there is a foil ball made of empty Reese’s minis wrappers large enough for my cat to bat around the room. But they’re MINIS, do they count?

  • JenniferG

    Now I have to go check out the VW Beetle as I was thinking on the way to work today “maybe next year I can buy a new car.” And Brachs Milk Maid Chocolate Caramel Candy Corn…GAH!!! Hopefully I will forget their existence by Halloween Candy Season or it will be my HOW NOT TO.

  • Corey

    My children are trained: they either hand it over straight from their Halloween bags or go out of their way to hide it from me (ha! as if). The honey is the key for the white-yellow-orange goodness. Somehow it’s not so necessary an ingredient for the white-green-red Christmas “reindeer corn” or the white-pastel Easter “bunny corn”–which I sincerely hope wouldn’t ook you out to eat since it’s also a near and dear nickname. However, both have a much lower sweet-sickness threshhold. Ohh…must refrain from shopping until I forget about this!

  • Kathy

    Oh My Goodness Chris Hemsworth is sooo pretty!!! Wait..What? What post?

  • You are not alone. Scott wants a home falconry kit now for our anniversary.

    Too bad I made it up. I will have to get him a Jetta, I guess…

  • Chrissa

    At “DECIMATE…” I started laughing uncontrollably. Now I am covered in concerned dogs and thinking about the chocolate chips in the pantry (no candy in the house). Good thing I can’t eat chocolate around the dogs. 🙂

  • Barbara

    Or you can make deals that make the candy corn (or whatever) O.K. Like – I can have a big old bowl of that frozen yogurt with the yummy stuff on top if I walk to the yogurt store and back rather than driving (it is maybe 1/4 of a mile), and if I eat it for lunch and if I only put fruit on it (today). Or – I will buy one bag of (insert favorite thing) and I will eat all I can before I turn onto my road and then I will throw the rest out the car window (my friend really does this – you can find all manner of chocolate along the road to her house. I guess you can make personal deals with stuff that’s not chocolate or sugar based but I’ve never had to go there.

  • Brigitte

    If I sat outside long enough with a fuzzy baby chicken in my outstretched hand, our local hawk would probably come steal it from me. There’s MY home-falconry kit!

    I am sadly unfoxed, but beaming with pride to be one of the exclusive geekly 26. 😉

  • Petunia

    I don’t get it. Also, I love lemon drops.