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Confessional Dog Poet

Today we tell on ourselves. Today it’s like we left the house in clean but TATTY UNDERPANTS like our mom told us NEVER TO DO, and this blog is our fender bender where we are hurt (but not TOO hurt) and the EMTs see them, grayed out and grannified, and we SO wish we had listened to our mothers.

It is SATURDAY, and no one reads blogs on SATURDAY. It is just us silly ponies here. So. We are telling. I will begin.

I have MM-Bop on my i-Pod. (Shut up.)


Worse: I did not put it there in 1997. I didn’t HAVE an i-pod in 1997. I JUST put it there. Yesterday. AND NOW I HAVE IT PLAYING ON ENDLESS LOOP REPEAT AS I WRITE THIS. (Shut. Up!)

(In an MMbop gone! In an MMbop NOT THERE! Ooo ooo !)

Ansley sees birds!

Confession 2— I am in love with a little smilly-smart girldog with yicketty dragged down nipples that bother my daughter —said daughter is SURE glad that doesn’t happen to HUMAN mothers. *ahem*

She—doglet, not daughter— is yappy and shrill and chuffy and her ears go all tatty-bye and sad when a man looks her way, but she blooms and perks and frisks and comes on the run when Maisy or I sing her theme song, and YES, while I am confessing I shall tell you that she has a theme song. I wrote it. It goes like this:

“ANS! ley! It’s ANSLEY!” repeat,repeat,repeat,repeat

She canoodles and plots with my beloved old hound-rag, Bagel, and I am SO crazy about her I am SAYING POETRY TO HER. No, really.

For example, yesterday in the backyard she chased the spring robins off the lawn and I called from the deck

Ansley, are you barking
Over our back yard delarking?
Birds, with such large wing spans, you
can’t stuff in your small maw, cans you?

I said, CANS YOU. Out loud in the yard. As in, I babytalked faux Gerard Manley Hopkins at her. Ridiculous.

THIRDLY LASTLY, remember the UGLY PATCH OF DEAD LAWNS?

And I said I would fix it, and you gave me many good sage advices and I nodded wisely and promised to continue my flurry of self-improvement by GARDENING A THING?

Well, the advice I like the very muchly mostly was, hire a landscaper. Heh.

I gave up the idea of being a better me and threw money at the hole until it WENT AWAY and learned nothing and improved myself in no manner at all.

I LOVED that advice.

Now I have gardenias and a cunning Japanese maple that the landscaper SAID would be a crimsom dragon so I named him Charles, but then it turned out to be a scarlet empress, so now I can only assume my maple is a drag queen. I love him. Her. Love you, Charles. LOVE YOU CHARLES AND GARDENIAS AND NATURAL STONE STEPPERS AND TIDY PINE NEEDLES.

Self-improvement FAIL. But Japanese maple WIN.

And now you know all.

So… Imma go look at my maple and water the gardenias while Ansley terrorizes the local bewinged fauna, and yes, I will probably listen to MMMbop on my i-pod and should a neighbor child ask, I will give the child a stern face and say I am listening to BACH and they should go home and listen to BACH too, as it will help their sad math skills. *beam*

Now, you show me yours. TELL ME YOUR SHAME! It’s Saturday – NO ONE will ever see much of this probably. I will post something Monday to push this DOWN so we never have to look at it again. DO NOT LEAVE ME HANGING! DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY TATTY UNDERPANTS SAYING DOG POEMS IN BABY TALK AND WATERING MY ILL-GOTTEN CHARLES!
Spill.

34 comments to Confessional Dog Poet

  • Em

    All of mine feel kind of serious. Probably because I am not bright enough to feel shame for reciting poetry to the dog. I’ll tell you one – I took my daughter to a hypnotherapist last week. It feels very Woo-woo. I do not burn sage in the house and I do not eat granola. Well, I eat granola bars if there is chocolate chips in it but my point is, I am not an alternative type of person and yet, there we were. I will give another one in case that one makes you feel more uncomfortable then shame-sharing. I have been wearing a push up bra all week. At first because it was the clean one and then because I like my boobs being in a closer place to where they were 10 years ago. These two things are unrelated and I am not able to hypnotize anyone with my boobs but imagine if I could? I would be a superhero in a push up bra, hypnotizing the world and bringing peace with a leather bustier (“It lifts and separates!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KERwnA8VfFM). New shame – I am now mentally designing my superhero outfit.

  • Beth R

    I just spent $7 on a travel foam/pump bottle of fancy Sephora face cleanser and dumped it down the drain when I got home. What? I need the bottle for my even fancier hair stuff!

  • My secret shame is that I now want Mmm Bop on my iPod too.
    Don’t feel shame about dog poetry. I just adopted a new parrot today. Her name is Jules. In the week since we found out about her we’ve rewritten the Beatles to make many verses of “Hey Jules.”

  • I sing cat songs. O Pussycat to O Tannenbaum usually.

  • We’ve named all the crows/ravens/whatever the big black birds are that are around here “Rupert”. And we talk to him/them. Our 21-year-old thinks we’re nuts, but we don’t care.

    I really want to go to the abandoned house down the street and tag it. I’ve never vandalized anything and I know it’s wrong, but. . .I wanna do it. I won’t, of course, but there you go, I want to. With neon pink spraypaint.

  • D

    I secretly wish I could be that man on Twilight Zone who just wished everybody would go away and let him read his books. But then in the end he broke his glasses and couldn’t read them. (except I don’t want my glasses broken)

  • Michelle M

    I’ve spent (wasted) this entire Saturday. I’ve done NOTHING, except eat 2 leftover Reese’s Peanut Butter Easter Eggs and some Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips! And watch a marathon of America’s Next Top Model. Haven’t even gotten out of my PJs. I. Am. Slothful.and Ashamed. But now ashamed enough to do anything about it.

  • Cheryl

    I went into work early today (yeah, I work Saturdays) to get some of the work done this week that was totally ignored due to being extra busy this week. My boss came in early too. Thought he was locked in his office like he usually is and I was singing along to ABBA (I know) on my IPod. He was listening. Did not feel the least bit ashamed. And, I really did not get much done at all before anyone else came in. Oh well, am home now, reading Saturday blogs, drinking a pomegranate martini and watching my hubby grill steaks. Work – what work??

  • linda j

    You are welcome for the landscaper idea. Glad you didn’t even have to get dirty either!

    My spill?? Um I don’t like my life. So change it. I know sounds like reasonable advise but, that is a long story.

    I am glad that Ansley is adjusting so well.

  • Lindsey

    I just told my husband that I’d sort laundry, but came here instead 🙂

  • gilly

    you. like a song. ? . that’s all I heard.

  • I dropped 40 pounds last summer and have been good at maintanence but this weekend I was uncontrolled. Cains chicken for lunch, Sonic onion rings for an afternoon snack and Sheridan’s Custard after supper. To ease the shame, I did do a 5K this morning.

  • When I straighten/clean the first floor of my house, I put the things that don’t belong there in grocery sacks. I carry these sacks up the stairs and put them in one of three places: the office, the kids’ room, or my room. These three rooms are abhorrent, and it’s not that they have never been cleaned or organized. It’s just that they are the dumping ground for these things. Things that are supposedly in their respective bags because they just might belong somewhere near that room. ALAS! They remain in their bags, they pile up, they slip out, they get dragged around or kicked around by my heard of children (I have three 9 months of the year and 5 the other three) and they become a mess of epic proportions that I ignore until I’m raving mad about it. Eventually, I will take HOURS and HOURS and HOURS to organize and put all the things where they go (or trash them, whichever) and swear this will NEVER happen again. **sigh** it does.

    My other shame? I would rather be reading. And sometimes? I just do that.

  • Oh yay! I’ve found somebody else who loves Mmm Bop as much as I do!! But do you wanna know what I love almost just as much? This song. Also by Hanson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmG0DqhfDbY If you are not dancing when this song is over, well, then you just might be dead inside. (And by you I mean the universal YOU, not you personally).

    My other secret shame? Bring It On (yes, the cheerleader movie) is quite possibly one of my favorite movies of all time.

  • DebR

    The only useful and productive things I did yesterday were to wash, dry, & put away (YES!) 2 loads of laundry & to run & empty the dishwasher. The rest of my day consisted of watching Ghost Adventures & Top Chef Masters on TV, throwing the frisbee for one of my dogs (I’d have thrown it for the other 2, but they don’t care), re-reading an old Nora Roberts book that was already pretty mindless the FIRST time I read it, and playing Sorority Life on Facebook. All. Day.

    Oh yeah, and I sing “How Much is that Kitty in the Window” to one of my cats. Shut up, he likes it.

    Leandra, I love that movie too! Heeeeeeee!

  • Jean

    I watch Say Yes To The Dress. A lot. I’m 63 and never once in my life fantasized about a traditional wedding, and yet–I watch that show. Love Randy–I love that his purpose in life seems to be to make women feel beautiful and special.

    You promise no one will know this is me, right? I mean, there are lots of Jeans in the world, right?

  • Brigitte

    Hee, my husband compares me to the reader in that Twilight Zone episode too! And I can read WITHOUT my glasses (I just can’t see anything more than 3 feet away).

    My shame is that I consider getting the laundry and dishes done to be an awesomely productive day, I sneak in reading (instead of work!) as much as possible. At least when not talking to the random creatures who populate our property, wild or tame.

  • Kim

    I spent most of the day yesterday clicking on the profiles of various men on a dating site…and laughing at them. The pictures that they post! The bad grammar! The abhorrent spelling! Apparently, I am too picky to date in this Brave New Internet Dating world.

    I also sing to my pup. And recite poetry to him. And attend sci-fi cons. In costume. And read…waaayyy too much for most humans to understand.

    Are you sure no one will see this? 😉

  • Karen

    I load bodice-ripping romance novels onto my iPod and listen to them during long runs and my commute if they’re especially tawdry. My best pal has been instructed to find and destroy it if anything happens to me so my secret will not be revealed. I was a lit major.

  • Niki

    My friend’s cats all play Facebook games. No, they did not sign themselves up. lol

  • Kaye

    My shame is that I want to approach my priest and ask if he can do a house exorcism. How does one verbalize this request? My reason is that 18 months ago we purchased a house that has had two tornado hits and now we are awaiting a flood crest that will leave two-five feet of water (plus snakes and alligators) in the house. We are poster children for homeowners and flood insurance.
    Landscapers are the best and I listen to MMMBOP more often than I admit!

  • shannon

    My shame…I go to the gym 4 days a week, two for cardio/weights and two for bootcamp. I eat very healthy all day long…and then every single night, I eat crap and have a few drinks. I’m a major hypocrite. I want to be healthy but have NO willpower. hm. could be because I’m not happy? ok well now i’m off to find some crap to eat and drink…

  • shannon

    oh, and I adore Gerard Manly Hopkins!

  • I, too, have MMMBop, but I don’t own an I-pod OR an Mp3 player, so I just have to do it the old fashioned way and burn it onto a disc to put into my car.

    I have, over the past week, ingested at the very least, ONE Route 44 diet coke, AND an additional 16 ounce bottle (or two) daily. It’s the end of school for cryin’ out loud. A teacher must do SOMETHING.

    I ate the last of the leftover taco meat at lunch today. My son walked into the kitchen and said, “What happened to the taco meat?” But I didn’t answer, because I was swallowing the last bite.

    I have ALSO done some OTHER things too scandalous to publish even all craftily covered with pith on this post that will move down one space tomorrow, but I BET you’d still like me even if I told ya.

  • The most useful thing I did today, which is Sunday, not Saturday, so I’m not sure if it counts, is try on corsets and tutus. True. Swear. Well, and I went out and bought a bag of potatoes to make my husband happy. Also true. But not shameful because it was a kindly thing, a favor. I also stomped around taking photos of the ravaged woodlot across the street from us, looking defiant in hopes someone stupid looking and fat and wearing a hardhat would come up and try to take my camera away from me so I could rage on him, but no one stopped me and it started snowing so I just drove away with my camera full of sad photos of dead trees. This would be useful if someone would fund some sort of legal action for me, but that’s unlikely so it can go in the shameful, or at least silly, category. And I finished a novel and ate too many tortilla chips, something that’s becoming a seriously bad habit. The tortilla chip eating, not the novel finishing. Is this shameful (not to mention obscure) enough?

  • Peggy Fry

    My secret shame is a love of cheap cheez puffs. The cheaper the better – the more obscure the brand the better! Oh, the humanity! I also dog-icize songs in my head and sing them to the dogs, one of whom looks just like Ansley!… For example, after listening to the replay of the Prairie Home Companion I sang, “…we’ll go down to the river to play..” Oh, the canine-ity!

  • JenniferG

    I know it’s no longer Saturday but….

    My neighbors have a cute black and white cat. Whenever I walk by and see the cat in the window I get out my best baby talk voice and say “hi baby kitty!” or “oh, look at the kitty.”

    On Friday, my mom and I were having a leisurely lunch of fancy salads and reading magazines in her kitchen, while nice men were cutting the grass on giant gas-guzzling lawn mowers. I looked out the window and there was the semi-crazy neighbor mowing her lawn with a totally green push mower. We felt no guilt whatsoever.

  • Romona

    I like Hanson – saw them in Charlotte, NC recently – they are awesome! And love the new landscape!

  • Aimee

    I like Bring It On too! I’ve watched that movie about a million times, because I cannot resist it.

    I like to imagine what my cats are thinking and say it out loud (because they can’t). Hours of entertainment.

  • And Karen? I LOVED your confession. You have a great friend. I have a few of those myself (great friend AND bodice rippers). 🙂

  • sillyme

    I moo at the cows as I drive by them. And I yell “Horses!” as I drive by the horse farms. I’ve been doing this since my first child was born 11 years ago. The secret part of this shameful confession is that I do it even when I am alone in the car.

  • Elizabeth

    Each of our animals has his or her own theme song that we sing to them randomly. I get milkshakes from chick fil a, drink them in the car, and stop at the gas station to throw away the cup so my kids won’t know I got ice cream without them. But jeez chick fil a milkshakes are expensive! I can’t afford them for everybody! Oh and I have Nelson’s ” I Can’t Live Without Your Love and Affection” on my iPod. I think Nelson was the 80’s Hanson.

  • Ruth

    When I scoop the cat turds out of the box, I sing the following to the tune of “Happy Talk” from “South Pacific”:

    Scoopin’ poop, I’m scoopin’ kitty poop.
    Talk about poop I like to scoop!
    If you don’t have a scoop,
    If you don’t have some poop,
    How ya gonna scoop some kitty poop?

    And don’t try to hide on Saturday! Every Monday I check to see if something was posted here over the weekend.

  • Aimee

    LOL, Ruth! I might have to start doing that, too. Anything to make the job seem a little more fun and a little less gross.