Comments: Cop-tastica!

Oh man! Except for the part about being visited in the night by handsome burly cops, that really sucks!

My husband was out of town a couple of weeks ago when we had a power outage, but not a regular power outage were the power goes OUT. Ours just dimmed and set the carbon monoxide detector off. We had recently had electrical work done so obviously there was a fire lurking in the walls waiting for me to stop worrying about it so it could kill me and my babies. That was the assumption anyway. Luckily, I live near family. They live in houses not recently tampered with and they had the same problem so at least I knew I wouldn't die alone. Comfort... it's still better when delivered by handsome burly policemen.

Posted by Em at December 4, 2009 8:18 AM

I don't know how you make the most inane or inconvenient things so damn funny, but thank you.

Glad you were not murdered in your bed or, you know, drowned in dog drool.

Posted by Jen at December 4, 2009 8:50 AM

Oh dear, what an exciting evening....this means you should play more WoW, clearly...and shoot that opossum and make him a mantle clock.

Posted by Sarah at December 4, 2009 8:59 AM

As a single, dogless woman I say, "STOP IT!!!!" You are scaring me.

And I have no slobbering companion, alarm, OR husband that will return home at some point to restore sanity and security. Only cops, who are not burley, and who I hesitate to call 'cause I don't want to be, "one of those women".

But - please don't stop being so funny and using such great words. Totally worth the price of scary-admission.

Posted by Mit at December 4, 2009 9:29 AM

Have you ever tried just lying down on the couch, fully-clothed? In my insomniac days, that would sometimes help. I think it was because I didn't feel obligated to sleep. After all, I wasn't in bed; I was just lying there.

Posted by Jan in Norman, OK at December 4, 2009 9:31 AM

Bagel sounds about as impressive during times of horror as Frodo is. Of course, I'm not sure I should expect much from a beagle in that regard.

Posted by Heather at December 4, 2009 9:41 AM

I think maybe we live parallel lives, you know, except for that part where you're a best-selling author, and I'm, well, yeah. My husband's been gone for his third week out of four or four out of five. Really at this point, you start to lose count. And every person in my town and the 10 people who read my blog know about it. So, I lie in bed at night waiting for the roaming murderers/rapists/burglars to come break in and kill me and my children in our sleep. I don't have an alarm. Smart of me, right? So I just sit and listen for breaking glass all night. And there's a group of teens roaming around our neighborhood stealing things from cars. It's really added to the fun this week. Since I don't have a gun (and don't want to shoot some teenager I probably know) I sleep with a large kitchen knife under my husband's pillow, so I guess I'm ready for any murderer or large ham that visits me in the night.

Oh, and also there was a 'possum incident once at our old house. We had a pet door in our storm door, and he was headed straight for it. I slammed the regular door and left my husband out there to deal with him. It's every man for himself when there's a bloodthirsty 'possum involved.

Posted by Lori B. at December 4, 2009 9:45 AM

Yanno Joss, the more scary and horrifying something is, the funnier you retell it. I nearly choked on my oatmeal, especially when I got to "auxiliary cop." I'm so sorry you went through that, but doesn't that mean Scott gets home, like, today??

Posted by Jess at December 4, 2009 9:58 AM

Funny things I think about when I'm left as the sole protector of home and heart in the company of worthless dogs, roaming wildlife, and (as yet) no gun or faulty burglar alarm:

First, when intruders appear, will I be able to unleash my superhuman powers quickly enough to gather my children into one room and move every huge piece of furniture to block the door as I toss the phone to my 8-year-old, cock my head and say, "Buddy, go ahead with that 9-1-1 call now."

Second, my husband panics if there's a spider in the house...and I'm losing sleep when he's away?

Posted by Lesha at December 4, 2009 10:32 AM

I'm sorry to be laughing so hard my coffee spurted but come on... "Please, allow me to check your butt for interesting crime with my enormous snout!"

Posted by pam at December 4, 2009 10:35 AM

I'm sorry about your disturbed sleep. I grok, I really do. But I'm glad it gave you another funny story to tell us. I'm also glad you weren't murdered, with Bagel as a drooling audience. Silly dog!

Posted by Julie G at December 4, 2009 10:48 AM

Have you ever tried heating a bed pillow or snuggly blanket in the dryer for a few minutes before bedtime? Almost as good as a living, breathing bedwarmer. Absolutely useless against murdering murderers or opossums.

Posted by Laura at December 4, 2009 12:21 PM

I just bought Gods in Alabama as a Christmas gift for my mother in law. From the beginning I was going to get Between, Georgia but it was called 'My two mommies' in swedish, and had a pretty bad photo of some woman wearing terrible makeup on the cover, so Gods in Alabama it is. I'm a little nervous about the amount of sex in it, but my boyfriend tells me the woman has five children, so she should know what sex is already.

Posted by Asa at December 4, 2009 3:09 PM

As I read this I heard the wheezy dog voice in my head that you're always using when describing your pet. Really, I did. It makes it funnier yet. Glad everything turned out all right.

Posted by Avallia at December 4, 2009 5:00 PM

Heh. And Eek! How do you make being scared and sleepless so hilarious?

Posted by Aimee at December 5, 2009 12:42 AM

Ooh, laughing and tears at how you snatched up Maisy, sure she was already murdered, because I would do the exact. Same. Thing.

Posted by Brigitte at December 5, 2009 7:56 AM

Huh. Seems to me the last time you had a burly cop show up at your door you did NOT let him in...

Posted by Sara at December 5, 2009 3:32 PM

Crime fighters always smell better than criminals. Your dog is smart.

Posted by juliejulie at December 7, 2009 8:24 AM

I prefer hot firemen. I don't want to meet any at 3 am though.

Posted by GrandeMocha at December 7, 2009 9:20 AM

I also advertise on my blog that The Husband is out of town, then arm myself with all manner of weapons before trying to sleep. I lie awake and think how it really would be smarter to NOT mention that he travels on business. Have never almost murdered an opossum, though this really added SO MUCH to this story. Hilarious! (But I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that.)

Posted by Susan M. Boyer at December 7, 2009 3:59 PM